Discussion in 'Home Decoration & Improvement' started by anivijay, Jan 10, 2020.
Thats so sweet @deepthyanoop. Thanks
Wow @anivijay, Its too much. Look like they don't have any clue on how difficult its to accommodate everyone in USA . Its a financial burden too. I dont understand why everyone came to USA with your mom. With this kind of experience, its not good to invite them anymore.
You are really a good person for doing all these. You took so much efforts to accommodate them. They didn't appreciate it. Look like they think you have lot money and you dont need any gifts or even good treatment. Its a very emotional story.
I am sure you might have conveyed this to your mom and she didnt give any importance to it. May be thats creating lot of agony in your mind and these burden.
Its very negative situation to be in. If I were in your place, I will emotionally distance from them. But maintain a formal relation as part of duty as a daughter and sister. Also I wont even think about buying any property near to your maternal home (for what?). I also dont listen to their demands or buy any expensive gift for them . May be chocolate is enough plus something for mom. Unwanted help or gift or advice etc are not appreciated. Thats all...
I think that you gifted too much. They dont value it and think you are rich. So think twice or thrice before yielding to their demands. now days everything is available in India.
As your daughter is in teenage (I didnt know that), she may leave your home for studies within a few years. So enjoy your time with her and your dh. Create memories for her. That most important need now.
If you go to India next time, staying in hotel/ home-stay during night and visiting mom or sister during daytime may be the good option. Your priority should be your family, not others. Visiting mom is just part of the trip not the aim of the trip.
During that time try to take your mom for trips if possible ( you can tell them you want to spend some time alone with mom if they insist to come) and try to spend time with her. Its not worth spending time with others in your maternal family. Anyway be grateful to your sister for taking care of your mom. Thats a blessing.
I wish you to heal from these wounds and remove all those negative people from your mind. Dont allow them to hurt you more. Its enough I feel. You need to detach from them and reduce interactions to heal. Be positive and be there for them when they seek your help. But dont yield to their demands on gifts anymore. If your dh and kids visit them send them a chocolate box. There is a saying in may native language, its like - always evaluate the person, before you donate anything to that person. Its applicable to everything.
Focus on your life and family. Good luck
Your mom point of view: if she doesn't accommodate your sister and BIL wishes, she might be getting hard time in her day-to-day life. that is why she closed her eyes and didn't call them to visit after few weeks/months. Looks like your mom has to agree what ever your sis says.
Your sis and BIL might have thought if they don't travel now, they will never get a chance to visit USA soon..
I feel the loop is like this: BIL wishes + their Kids wishes -> SIS pushes to -> MOM, you mom needs to accommodate their wishes.
You are right. Entire trip was planned and executed by sister, step by step. First they started, mom and 2nd sister to accompany her. Then they said, first sister also wanted to come. Then they said, BIL would feel bad if sister didnt call him so we just process the visa.. he wont come, then BIL would blame sister for lifetime if she come without him, so he would come just for 1 week. then he stayed for whole time..
She wouldn't have allowed mom to come if she didn't have all these plans..
But these complaints I am hearing now, they become intolerable. I am clearing old files and folders in my system. Its just filled with all travel plans and itineries I made.. Travel tips I saved , menu plans.. list of food items I wanted them to try.. from lasagne , meat balls , oven baked pasta, cottage pies , roasted chicken and mashed potatoes ... Places that I wanted them to show, discount coupons and voucher codes I saved..
God bless them..
Ok, It was my long time wish that I would take mother (sisters too) to all these places. I fulfilled that. I did my best.. I couldn't have done anything better, whether they accept it or not.
Told them, if they feel like going for a foreign trip next time, to go ahead with some travel companies or arrange their own. Then they would realise value of this not so memorable trip.
You have taken both positive and negative comments in this thread without getting defensive. I’m sorry your family is not able to understand your value . Looks like they have sky high expectation and even if you sacrifice everything and do what they say they will still find fault . I wish you make a India trip where you don’t care about them and enjoy to the fullest . Stop looking for happiness through them . I don’t think they will care about you distancing. Looks like their world is too small and you are not part of it . Find happiness in your family . If you really want to reconnect to India back see if you have any cousins or friends who will be your true friend . I wish you get all the happiness you deserve
It's hard when family comes and are not happy about the trip logistics. Your sister hasn't known your financial woes in-depth. All she has seen is you splurging on them. She expected more splurging when she visited you. You can only do what you can do. Sorry you are hurt about this.
People really don't understand the trouble it takes to plan an exclusive itinerary/menu/experience unless they go and visit a country by themselves. Looks like your sisters haven't traveled alone, when they do, they will know the work that goes into this.
Anyway, the trip was over last year. Move on, no point in hurting over and over about things that happened wrong. You can't change people's expectations.
I think if you slowly cut back on the over spending, they will also realize that there are boundaries for expectations.
I don't think you should be talking to your mom about this anymore. I think it will end up hurting you more. Act on making clear cut boundaries and don't get emotionally blackmailed to do more that what you are willing. It will be very hard at first to say no or to push back but in time you will have some sanity.
My hugs to you @anivijay. I hope the hurt and pain diminishes for you soon.
I would knock out all your options put Mother in a different place temporarily until the existing house handed over to developer to demolished and construct in its place a shopping mall and use first and second floor for lodging and boarding hotel and pent house at the top for your use.
Thanks and Regards.
God saves others spend.
Thank you Thyagarajan sir . Not that big to construct a shopping mall .