Unresolved Anger Of Past - Long Post

Marrying without the bride and groom meeting in person was a practice of the past. Now, when it happens, it has its roots in the past practice, plus they get to use modern conveniences like talking over the phone. Your case seems to be a traditional arranged marriage with some modern practices added.

When a marriage is fixed up, pictures of a boy holding the bride-to-be by the shoulder are not taken unless he is a brother or cousin that she cannot marry. If such picture is taken, it is not uploaded to FB. If already in FB, it is discreetly removed. The groom and his immediate family might not mind, but others will make comments. This is an avoidable hassle rather than explaining to all that he "like a brother."

Your DH and you had plans to meet in airport and go shopping next day. Valid plan and understandable wishes. He should have been the one to broach it to his parents and get their yes/no/scolding/approval/whatever. Your FIL did give you a "meet under escort" option that for his generation amounts to "adjusting to the modern younger generation." When you had not even met your DH, and barely knew your in-laws, why talk such matters directly with in-laws. If the talk comes up, deflect it and have would-be DH deal with it?

You did give back to FIL when you said you are an independent woman and gave the list of whom all you would turn to for advice in the future and that the list will not include in-laws.

You could count your blessings.

Sometimes, when a bigger problem comes along, we realize how insignificant our other "problems" are.

 

Your SILs' reactions, your FIL wanting to use that as a reason to cancel the alliance, etc. you came to know only after you guys got married. Looks like you were not directly asked to defend that picture. Your husband told you after you got married as something husband and wife share with each other. Your SILs might have reacted that way because any one who sees such a picture will make comments. People only need some material to create a fuss. There is no caption under that picture that explains how he is like a brother and his mother performed an aunt's rituals in the engagement.

In simpler words: once the groom hunt is on, and once things are getting finalized, such pictures are best avoided. Whoever put up that picture could have used some common sense and not uploaded it. Call me old-fashioned.. this is how things are in arranged marriage setting and in families like the ones you are describing. You are really making a big deal in your mind of a small incident from the past.. when such incidents and avoidable misunderstandings are very common during wedding times.

Yes, you could have avoided the response about you will take the advice of parents and DH only and that you are an independent woman. You gave that response, so why is the issue still marked as unresolved in your mind? I don't know about other families, but in mine and my DH's and that of most of my friends', a would-be bride saying the below to FIL is unheard of:

Call me old-fashioned.. we don't talk like that with FIL even in the first few months of married life. We do not leave the place without giving the older person chance to react. This would result in a big fuss and hungama. Even son-in-law would not talk like that to FIL.

Any differences between son and daughter that your in-laws show has to be contested by your husband. There were no "problems to solve". You guys wanted to meet, could not meet as his parents did not approve of it. That is all. Your husband came from abroad just a week before the wedding. So, all the wedding running around, and before that the bride hunting, short listing, background checks.. all were done by your in-laws. It is fair enough that you both have to follow some rules laid down by your in-laws. (You were offered a meet-with-escort option that was below your dignity to consider).

You can't compare you and your husband not meeting to your SIL and her would-be meeting. Never know how their meeting came about. Maybe the guy not being abroad was a factor. Maybe it was not so close to wedding. Maybe, since it is an arranged marriage, they agreed to it being the girl's side even though they had misgivings. Maybe your SIL and her would-be agreed to a with-escort-meeting? They met at home, right? You wanted to meet at airport and shopping? Anyway, don't compare.

Not being able to meet your would-be before the wedding though he is in town can be frustrating. But, you cannot be so critical of it as to hold in your mind for so long. You both have benefited from other aspects of a traditional setup such as parents being involved in the bride/groom hunt and wedding arrangements. A simple, "Oh appa/uncle/sir/ whatever.. he was suggesting we meet... i understand your family traditions..." and going away (to bring or take away the coffee tray) would be better than continuing the discussion that would-be FIL has started.

It is usually up to the guy and girl and their friends or siblings to arrange covert meetings before the wedding. Elders are not really unaware, they just look the other way. Guy goes shopping to a mall with friend/cousin, girl also arrives there. Guy and girl go to a nearby posh a/c restaurant and have coffee or whatever. If things go right, they even go apparel shopping or something.

Don't judge them. You are happily married. You say your DH is a great guy. Enjoy life. Such incidents keep happening. Practice and master an elegant shrug of the shoulders, toss of your mane.

Come out of those thoughts and also the thoughts of having a "healthy" relationship with everyone. Keep it simple. Be pleasant, be warm, be polite, and with time naturally some affection will grow towards in-laws. Don't hurry things and don't have intentions that are too noble. Above all, don't dissect the past.