Would these steps minimize DIL & in-laws problems?

Hi Rihana,

Some of them are very valid points .. but some like staying seperately right from day one - may only cause more problems. Mothers are usually very possessive about their sons.. so MIL may not be very happy about it and may poison the son's mind against his wife..

thanks
nivedhita

 

Gosh! What an exhaustive list, Rihana! I bet it'll benefit many people if they get to read this... Thanks!

My overall opinion is that this list would serve the purpose you want it to. But some of the things would be difficult to achieve, like the things you mentioned before marriage (financing one's higher education oneself & staying away from parents). Many people (parents & sons & daughters) are old-fashioned, esp. those living in India. I admit these two are good ideas, but I doubt if they can be implemented. However, many young men and women stay away from the parents (or other relatives) once they start working in a different city.

I'd like to share one observation. My husband lived away from his parents for several years before our marriage. He's very much a mamma's boy... may be he would have been worse had he lived with them all his life... Dont know!

The other 2 categories - during and after marriage, are meaningful ideas. One thing I'd like to add: try to build the bond of trust right from the time you meet each other. This is really important. Only then, when the guy's mother or some one else tells something bad about the girl, the guy would be able to reply back that she isn't that type. My two cents! My 2cents

Sandhya

 

Hi Rihana,

Those are GREAT points. I will go section by section and tell what I think in my opinion are the most important points. I've had lots of trouble in my marriage due to inlaws and other issues, and now 2 years later, I think I finally have a handle on things. Looking back I've realized there are definitely some things me and my dh could have done differently to avoid all the stress...

Before marriage:

1. education: you know, this is so important because not only does it give you independence, it gives you confidence. I think if ladies built up there confidence early on, they would not be so inclined to let their inlaws (or anybody else) put them down.

2. Grow up. Too many times I feel like Indian adults are just children in a big person's body. Once you get a job and can be independent, I feel it's a good idea to live on your own. Let go of mommy and daddys hand. Learn to think and solve problems on your own. That way when you have problems in your marriage you don't need to run to other people for help and involve them in your personal matters.

5. know your partner: understanding your spouses values before marriage is very important. iron out the wrinkles before marriage and life will be smooth sailing after.

During marriage:

I'd like to add, if boy and girl are from different community, the right thing to do is combine traditions so nobody feels left out. Also, stick within a reasonable budget. Grooms are men getting married, not Kings or Gods. What can be afforded is all that should be done. You are right Rihana in suggesting that bride and groom themselves chip in some money so parents aren't left holding the bill. Both sides should walk into marriage feeling equal.

Also, anything revolving honeymoon, 1st night, or SEX IN GENERAL should NOT involve parents or inlaws!!! I can't believe this even needs to be mentioned. But the fact that my mil/sil know everything about my dh and ex's honeymoon suite and honeymoon shows that parents are still involved in this aspect of the marriage. bonkLetting people involve themselves in such a personal situation opens the doors for later involvement in other personal matters... like having children. Two words. Bad Idea. Not to mention it's just weird!!!

After marriage:

1. Live seperately from inlaws. I feel this point is most important. Out of every point on this list, this is the one that gives you the best shot at staying happily married.

6. Spouse comes first. I think if you have this mentality everything else will fall into place. If you love and respect your spouse as coming first in your life, you will avoid all the problems of people trying to interfere.


This list really hits the nail on the head. Indian marriages often create the perfect storm... married adults emotionally dependent on their parents. I mean, consider the practical reasons why we don't let children get married. One of the reasons is because they are not emotionally ready to handle complex issues and resolve conflicts. And if adults are not able to do these things without their parents help, are they really adults to begin with? I don't think so. Having the body of an adult doesn't make you ready for marriage, you should also have the mind of one too. :idea

Thanks Rihana for an awesome thread!

 

As always, my dear Rihana, you hit the nail fairly, squarely and firmly on the head. However, there are a few things that are difficult to achieve in the Indian context. My comments are in blue:

Before marriage:

1. Get an education that will make you financially independent: Indian kids are still, to an extent, dependent on their parents at least up until their Bachelor's degrees due to the difficulty in obtaining scholarships, lack of plentiful financial aid programs (other than private bank loans that require a parent or guardian to co-sign) and because student work is still unheard of. Hopefully, this scenario will change, at least in the future.

2. Live away from parents for at least 1-3 years before marriage. Not in a hostel or as a paying guest. Live with roommates or alone so you learn how to live independently without daily parental support. This applies both to men and women. Men will be less of mama’s boys and women will be less dependent on parents for everything. You should be responsible for all aspects of your life in this time – money, cooking, house care, social life… everything: Been there, done that for FIVE years before tying the knot. Had my own apartment in a brand new city and no one to answer to, other than to my own self! The best years of my life. Those memories still tear me up!


3. Finance your own higher education: If parents can afford to help you, great. Else, finance your own higher education. Builds character and avoids parents going through financial hardship and hence having unrealistic expectations from child and child’s spouse later: Same as (1). If we had more access to scholarships, government financial aid (as in the US) and part-time student opportunities became more rampant, then, we would all (parents and students) be greatly helped.


4. Choose your own mate: Be active in choosing your life partner. If you cannot do this, maybe you are not ready for marriage. Do not expect parents "to know best”. Even in an arranged marriage, be clear about your preferences, and lead the bride/groom hunt, instead of parents lining up choices and you dutifully picking one from them. Relying on parents to pick the right person for you does not make sense. You are an adult, be an adult, decide what you want in a mate, and pick your own m
ate. Parents can at best provide some advice and opinion: Well said! Agreed 200%!

5. Get to know your prospective life partner yourself: If you are going to share your life with a person, you absolutely need to know about their priorities and views on many things – family planning, money, religion, short term and long term goals, hobbies, man-woman equality, importance of his parents in his life and so on. Marrying someone without knowing these but trusting that parents have made the right choice for you is incredibly naïve: But this happens and despite my so-called 'higher education', I even let this happen to me. LUCKILY, it worked out. I couldn't have found a better man even if I had picked him myself but God and luck were on my side. HOWEVER, if I had to do it all over again, I'd be very wary because I am (a) no longer a naive, trusting fool, (b) sadly more aware that NOT all marital stories have happy endings like mine did and (c) coming to the shocking realization that parents do NOT always have their adult child's best interests in mind. I was just plain darn LUCKY!


During marriage:

1. Be firm about what kind of marriage and ceremonies you and the groom would like. Do not give into pressure for elaborate and senseless rituals. You will regret it lifelong: To be honest, I am not sure if this would be possible because parental and familial pressures are greatest during weddings. Not to mention, the young couple-to-be is also stressed and nervous and the time is ripe for them to fall victim to parental and/or familial manipulation. I HATE some of these so-called 'rituals', esp. the one where you fall at the feet of random people you have never seen in your life before and wouldn't have known from a pebble in the beach until that particular minute. A MAJOR REASON why I am a HUGE proponent of civil ceremonies. Quick, easy, and cheap!

2. Finance your own marriage as much as possible. This will give you more say in your own marriage. Parents on both sides can help, but should not be expected to bear the full costs: 200% agreement here again!

3. Set the precedent: Work with your prospective spouse so that you both decide privately and independently details like honeymoon, first(second!) night , etc, without everyone having a say in it. This will set the precedent for the future. Basically, it should be an event that finally belongs to bride and groom, and not overtaken by parents on both sides (much as this goes against Indian culture). - Another reason why I am a STRONG proponent of a civil ceremony!

After marriage:

1. Live separately: Right from day one. This is very important. No compromises on this one. Let it be a marriage of two adults, instead of two families. Don't really see this happening UNLESS the couple in question lives abroad or at least in a different city than BOTH their families! My personal observation is that boundaries tend to shrink and everybody is in everybody else's business if they live closer than 200 miles apart! Wasn't George Bernard Shaw right on the money when he said that "Happiness means having a large, close and tight-knit family in ANOTHER city?" I actually make it ANOTHER country or continent, and in some extreme cases (like ASG's), in another PLANET!

2. United front: Always present a united front to others. Thrash out all differences in private. Always support your spouse in front of others. Let your parents/his parents handle their problems themselves. Don’t defend your parents: Ah, but it takes time and some nasty experiences for a young wife to realize that one absolutely, at any and all costs, avoids the quagmire of a tussle between one's in-laws & one's parents, my friend. The best teacher is experience, of course, and all the better if it is someone else's experience!

3. Define clear boundaries: Make clear to parents and siblings on both sides that there are clear boundaries to be followed:

4. Handle problems yourself as much as possible. Come to an agreement with your spouse that any problems will be handled by husband and wife only. No families involvement. Women, in particular, should not run to or call up their parents for every small problem. If needed, seek professional help, but don’t involve families, they cannot be impartial and will make matters worse. Family involvement should be the last resort: Actually, make that NOT AN OPTION AT ALL!

5. Kids: Have kids only when you are able to take care of them independently. Do not be in a position where you are dependent on your or his parents for childcare. Having parents or in-laws living with you for long is asking for trouble. Even if they are nice, you are missing out on the experience of raising your kid(s) as you deem fit, and the bonding that happens as you and husband face childrearing challenges alone. If you need your parents to “guide” you or be there so you can continue to work, you are not ready to be parents, postpone it: Amen to this one. I will never ever have an in-law or a parent living with me for SIX MONTHS at a time again, under the guise of assisting with a delivery and/or providing free childcare. Thanks, but, no thanks!

6. Spouse and marriage comes first: Always. They come before parents, in-laws, kids, work and everything else too: Absolutely! Isn't it funny that some husbands and wives actually have to be TOLD this?

7. Breathing space: Let your spouse be his own self. Don’t try to change him. Have your own life and interests other than what you do together.

Yes, it turned out to be quite long already!: But it made good reading, LOL.

You must, simply MUST, write the "New Bride's Guide to Marriage, Spouse and In-laws by a not-so-old but very wise wife", Rihana!

And, as a sequel, you may want to follow that up with the best-selling "India trips: Underhanded Tricks & Cunning Traps to watch out for, and Smart Tips on how to navigate that minefield, so as to emerge from the experience with your sanity still intact!" :rotfl

 

that is a great idea, find me that planet! preferably one on the outer rim of the universe. :rotfl

and i agree, rihana should definitely write a book on bride's guide to married life. or be a seminar speaker at one of those bridal expos where all the brides show up to book vendors and caterors. :thumbsup