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Identifying Toxic Relatives..

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by anika987, Jan 6, 2021.

  1. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Me and my co sister usually get along.I have never asked her for help but helped her immensely at many occasions.

    I thought we got along until I realized something.

    I have seen her being appreciative of every other woman except for me.

    I am very much into fitness which many IL knows..but when I talk about it or try a new diet..I have seen her passive aggressively diss it off.

    She has a complex about her complexion,weight and height.I get surprised when she in 2021 still talks about fair complexion especially being in America for more than a decade and points out subtly that am dark.


    If I get a dark green nail polish..she will be like “it will suit fair people better”..

    I have suffered my initial years with my kid (many things but now all is fine) but she usually says like “ You are atleast okay..it is so tough for me.your kid if grown up and am
    Working hard “..


    She will never control her kid is the child is rude to mine and keep quiet.
    If my child complains to her directly about her kid,she will just say “please tell my husband dear”..


    She is ready to appreciation to other woman and give their due for their hard work but with me it is
    Very different.

    Things like this happen..

    Usually the above can be dissed off,not taken seriously etc but somehow get this feeling why she is being passive agressibe with me.It will look like
    She is not hurting you directly but feel there are some hidden meanings..

    Is this toxic? Or is it common? Should I brush it off?

    Coz off late the relationships getting a bit sour and want to set it right before it gets worse..
     
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  2. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    These are common in many household's.
    It gets toxic when it affects your mental peace.Then it's best to avoid communication with your cosis.
     
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  3. madhat

    madhat Platinum IL'ite

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    my co sis is a bit similar. Except that if you ask her something directly or by email, she will quite diligently ignore it. For example, during her wedding time, weddign was in madras and I was recently married and coming from canada. As I didnot know anyone in Madras for a facial and mehandhi, I had asked her not once but 2 times as the first time, I gave her the benefit of doubt. She absolutely never answered my question. So I started giving it back he same way.

    After a couple of years I had my baby and going to India for my baby's first birthday, my bil was looking for a job in the US at that time. I actually took the effort to tell my husband several times to tell my bil that he can stay here at our place to look for a job because we will be gone for a few weeks. My husband didnot mention this and I assumed he did. So my co sis has gone and complained to my mil that we never even offered the house to stay.
    This I knew only after a few years later.
    She will act as if she knows everything and that she is so good and friendly infront of others but in front of me she will be very different.
    I told her this time, if your daughter wants to study in canada, i can get information for her let me know. For that her reply is 'oh she will got to singapore, she has nothing to do with coming to canada' . You see what mean, all her replies will be like that.
    Since my bil and family are in india, my mil supports her because ava dayavu vennum ellaiya. So whatever I say, it will be like ' ---- said this and ----- said that it was good' . It will be like pouring burning oil in the fire.

    You got me started on this @anika :expressionless: can't stop. The amount I have gone through, this is only a small cherry from the cake.:worried:

    Basically, these people are who they are, we have to follow our rule and brush them away. I don't care about her or my mil's remarks these days. Life is too short to worry or even think about such people.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2021
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  4. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    oh! This is tough..hmm..atleast bright side is your co sis is living continents away(that’s the silver lining)..mine is 15 minutes away!:grimacing:
     
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  5. madhat

    madhat Platinum IL'ite

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    yea, athu konjam kashtam thaan. I understand. Try to see how she behaves and give her a taste of her own medicine.:grimacing:
     
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  6. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    same, same in my house too.
    :roflmao:
     
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  7. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    close. thats tough.
    start by not picking up her phone call
    update us:wave:
     
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  8. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    I googled "how to measure toxicity" and got directed to a NZ website that is bilingual (English and Maori). They say this LOL!!:
    Toxicity can be measured by the effect the substance has on an organism, a tissue or a cell. We know that individuals will respond differently to the same dose of a substance because of a number of factors including their gender, age and body weight. source
     
  9. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    My own sibling is a photo copy of your co-sis.
    Self proclaimed, entitled, invalidating, belittling and having superiority complex over confident in her mind.
    She is so extreme if she calls i don't pick she would do same the next time. Acting busy.
    In Reality copies every act of mine.
    She buys same model car to phone.
    You see the my thread Siblings - Narcissistic Attitude
    Eg: if they buy property for 40 laks will keep mum, if I buy 100$ worth thing she would bring to parents saying I hide.
    Its more of "nammku Vandha thakali chutney avangalu Vandha ratham".
    Such toxic people are to avoided to max.
    Since she is co-sister you can easily maintain distance.

    Meet up only on festivals, don't meet on weekends often. If she brings up anything like body shaming, says its criminal offense to comment on color, casually without hiting direct.
    What worked for me so far is - not sharing too much info, maintaining only 5- 10 min call.
    Prepare few sentences in cases she gives remarks on kid.
    Stand up for your child. If her kid hits tell your child not to engage in any activity both can color or do something separate. You take control at your house. Never send kid alone to their place.
    You keep your fitness level don't tell them any personal info.they need only to manipulate.
    Toxic people are internally damaged ones.
    You can post here or talk to close friends.
    Keep smiling. It's hard but doable. I had a hard time few months back now I don't bother much still in learning phase.
     
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  10. madhat

    madhat Platinum IL'ite

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    The things we have to go through in life. Sometimes, I think why can't people live and let live. Let us enjoy life right?? Eppo yen co sis is following Sadhguru and trying to meditate but still stays the same :facepalm: what is the use of following a guru when you can't follow what he says?
    The sad part is her husband silently sides with her and she takes the upper hand in the house without others knowing it. Unfortunately I don't get my husbands support for these things mainly because they have mentioned in his house b4 marriage 'nee pondati sonnapechu kettindu poidathe da' so he is always in the awareness mode whenever it involves his family. After 22 yrs of marriage it still has not changed .Yenna panrathu. Whenever I go India I have to stay only at their place and even if I managed to be at my moms place for a week or 2. my mil ikku porukkathu she will say to my husband, go to this ones house and that ones house everyday. So the 4 or 5 days he is with me in my house it will be going to some relatives house or the other. Avvolavu authority and she has the nerve to tell my husband to not listen to me. Even now it is like that. She will tell in a round about manner, that the servant maid is telling that I am going to my house and she told the s.maid that in her times I was not allowed to go to my birth house at all, only allowed rarely.
    In which centaury was she living in?? Appappa there is so much to rant.

    I think we can have a thread to Rant out our emotions and help others figure out how to handle these things.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2021
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