Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Vedhavalli, Sep 22, 2020.
How do you handle narcissist siblings
But what happened?
exaggerated sense of self-importancethus resultant in needing to be the center of attention. She can does this in many ways such as by monopolizing conversations, praising themselves, playing the victim, using illness or trying to get sympathy.
For eg: I live in Bay area with recent forest fires temperature & air quality gone to worst. While I was telling this immediately my brother started telling how she fell down while walking in park, stumbled on pebble & injured it was a band-aid injury. Saying at least you can stay indoors , staying indoors with injury is tough. She lives in cleanest city in Europe.
Seeking approval and praise always
sibling is always looking for forms of validation or appreciation.
I feel like an audience having to applaud your sibling all the time. Even for 'burnt phulka' car wash pic, every single picture in social media.
If I don't like or comments immediately she would call why you didn't like or have you not seen my post in FB , what are you so busy etc. But in a sweet tone. If I post something she won't bother at all.
Envy and intensity when comparing herself to others
They can be envious of you as well and believe you’re envious of them. Happens every single time. If i try to talk about it with them because I feel this discomfort next moment mirror and blame you. She will turn it back around on you and fully deny their part. It will feel like youcan’t honestly talk about itbecause you will only feel worse afterwards.
Eg: same model car, same kitchen gadgets, if I go to shopping next day she would go. If I buy blue saree next day she will buy. Once I went to Kanchipuram for my husband's friend wedding, all of us went to buy pure silk saree my husband bought one for me (this was second month of my marriage) .Next weekend she took my parents to Kanchipuram to buy saree from same shop same color. Saying some excuse to parents. My parents believed she is really liked that's why went to buy, infact blamed me not buying saree for her.
Same goes if I buy jewellery. Last time when I went to India bought small piece of jewelry kept at parents place, she kept asking to take pics of jewl & bills. I showed in video call. after I left she asked parents to take pic of jewl and bills & send them blamed me that I feel envious that's why I didn't share pics.
Biggest one: after she got alliance first question she asked me "what's athimber's height" I didn't know why she was asking told. Next moment she said this guy is 2 inch taller than your husband, compared income level, property, education. What not. That was the only time mom told her don't compare.
It's not only with me, she compares herself with her friends, cousins and neighbors.
Just because her friends got married in abroad she told parents only to look for abroad alliance, same holds true for venue of wedding, ground to catering.
Once her close friend commented why you are always on spree comparing or asking related questions. She dumped her friend.
She can't be friends with person more than 2 yrs this is the pattern from school days. Once they raise thier voice on toxicity she cuts them off start playing victim and accuses them.
Don't even get me started on husband's, or kid's & in-laws comparison. That's for another post.
Recently I started practising minimalism, she says your planning to buy house in US that's why your doing this.
Talking about themselves and comparing achievements
Often change the subject of discussion to themselves or achievements. Always ask personsl questions & behaves as if caring.loves to talkabout subjects such as salary, materialistic things, and achievements. Seem to always fantasize about unlimited success, power, love and perfection.
Keep comparing with me every aspect from my rose plant bloom to my car insurance price. Exaggerates achievementsand downgrades mine or at least not give your achievements the same amount of attention.
I worked in for more than 12 years, I had multiple on-site opportunities, she didn't get desired job , worked for 1.5 years not related to her domain, that too out of societal & peer comparison among her friends. She keeps bragging how she left job since it was long from home.
Whenever I did certification or got award I would tell parents she would ask how much does it cost or how much I got. Not a single time she said good or appreciated.
I joined masters she too joined but didn't complete it. Never ever talks about that.
I tried to address many a times immediately becomes defensiveand you can’t honestly communicate about it. She would mirrorthe situation if they feel they are under attack. To be clear, any normal criticism or questions about their weaknesses will be perceived as an attack.
Cry and make big dramatic scene playing victim card. Portrays I'm bad infront of parents & extended family.
This is because it doesn’t match with their fake persona.
All these observations are from last 15-10 yrs.
There are 100s are examples I want to forget them.
Pls no trolls I'm really down right now
We usually say "last 10-15 yrs." You must be really reeling from a full strength recall of all the examples as you have typed "last 15-10 yrs". If you haven't already, take some deep breaths, go out to the patio, check out the beautiful day, reflect a few minutes on how nature heals herself -- ash, smoke, hazy skies almost gone.
I wanted to respond in your other thread (mother compares with cousins, neighbors...). Early to mid-30's is a good time to learn some lessons of the kind that you are currently going through. There's two areas you can try to focus on and take small steps to reduce the mental agony generated by those two areas.
Being compared with others: How to deftly avoid being drawn into comparisons is a skill worth cultivating. It takes time and effort but the resulting peace of mind is so worth it. Note that we should try to sidestep even the comparisons in which we are painted favorably. A friend who always complimented me, "Oh your house is always so spic and span, I can never manage to keep mine like that." I used to dread, resent and so not look forward to her visits to my house. I knew her first comment on entering would be about the clean house. And I used to predictably offer responses like, "you should see it on Sunday mornings..." or "Cleaned it for you only.." If we pay close attention to our conversations with others, we will be quite shocked to realize how many times we are compared to others. With time, and some mental discipline, you will start to react less to comparisons. A side benefit -- you will also realize how you compare your kids with each other or their peers. Ouch.. that realization was a tough one to digest for me.
Sharing too much with others: I have a friend, a close friend, who shares updates with friends and even family only when the matter is done or date fixed, tickets bought -- never when there is scope for comment or discussion. Such as which college child has chosen, new house, or a long awaited India trip, or GC for in-laws, parents. It is a practice worth following with some modifications. When trying new things like a diet, minimalism, TTC ..., it is better to share that after some tangible milestones, not during the process. You can have one or two friends/family with whom you share everything, but with others (including parents and competitive siblings) you share less updates and less frequently. Rose plant bloom joy is better to share here in IL.
It all comes with experience and practice. With time, you learn how to deflect questions such as what is your husband's height. You build a repertoire of smart responses such as "tall enough" for the height question. You learn how to manage the phone calls with mother, be there for her, but also keep the conversation light for your own sanity.
Thank you @Rihana
I have noted down and will follow for my own peace & sanity.
I accept I do share too much with others, I should start practicing 'minimalism' there too.
All these while I thought I'm being true family with them.
In my retrospect all the time I have been given only fragmented informations.
The issue being here if they don't share it's fine we should accord thier privacy., but if I don't share - it isn't ' notsharing' it's HIDING concealing particulars from own family.
Gaslighting thru mom. These all are the things make me mad & I loose my peace. Can't share with husband or other friends. I shared with my bestie she said - don't encourage questions.
How much ever I try she keeps asking questions or say you didn't tell or why your hiding
I generally dont encourage questions where I need to give lots of personal/family info.If such ques come,my answers will be 'yet to think about it',We didnt plan about this,I am doing research on this ,unsure at this point of time etc
I do not ask such ques to anybody and people do not come to me with such ques.Seek less and share less.
Whatever you have described above is not very uncommon.
At least very common in my circle, but how we respond to such situations varies depending on our experiences and maturity level.
Both my sister and sister in law follow me. As you said, if I buy a saree in a particular shop, they too will buy theirs at the same place. Notably same material, same color and especially when they have absolutely no reason to buy one at that time. So, it is obvious that they copy me.
But then, I don't feel offended for their action. I know they copy because they like what I do. They copy because they admire and respect my choices. They think I must be right, and copying is the only choice they have to live a life like mine.
So, I take the pride here. To be a role model in the family is an absolute pride. Though they don't mention it, their action speak louder.
It is very common, where younger siblings copy the elder sibling who looks beautiful, successful or happy. These are the manners that attracts them.
Afterall, we all copy someone....
The new saree I bought yesterday was almost a copy of a model, who looked like an angel in one of her Instagram post recently. Since that moment, I felt like buying that saree.
My friend suggested a particular handbag brand and I am loving it
My colleagues are my inspiration in certain types of hair cuts & make ups, if not those you tubers on the same
I almost copy everything my mom cook and does with regards to the home. She is my role model in parenting too.
And more importantly, if I introspect correctly, I end up comparing myself to every x, y and z on edvery matters.
The length of my hair, the texture, the skin tone, my height & weight, parenting, career, house keeping and everything. I may copy if am really impressed with anyone's choices or style. And I believe it is humane and a very natural thing to do so. What's the big deal here?
Pls read my post again. It's not the saree which matters.
1) Copying here isn't not a big deal - dragging parents and gaslighting them is.
Comparing husband's height, money education is a big deal for me. He is already a family member.
2) seeking validation on every small thing, self praising.
3) envy and constant comparison on every aspect of life. Wantedly putting me down, acting in front of others.
4) stealing the thunder on my birthdays, my celebrations and my achievements.
5) not a single time genuinely happy for me.
6) she behaves as if I owe her always but it's the opposite in reality. To be clear, any normal criticism or questions about their weaknesses will be perceived as an attack.
7) lack of empathy for others it's all about - Self
She have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationship's with friends, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism
It's not only the copying.
Copy + envy + lack of empathy + selfish to the core.
Copying is only a part of issue.
I think you are pretty close to your sister and have been sharing everything with her all these years. How about a little distance? I mean don’t share anything and don’t ask her anything. Just tell by your actions, that you are genuinely not interested in petty dramas and silly jealous talks. She may attack again with “ you are jealous” comments. Don’t take it to heart and don’t respond at all. Just tell “oh okay, I will call you later”. Call only if she is behaving like an adult. If she is starting it again, just tell her “ I already have a child and don’t have time to deal with another child, please grow up.”. Then put the phone down. You may need to repeat this cold behavior to send the message across.