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Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by EagerForInfo, Mar 6, 2023.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I am sorry to say this... But this comment is very rude.
    This is like rubbing salt on a wound. It will not do any good to the OP or any reader here. Let's try to be gentle with each other.

    Dear @EagerForInfo

    I understand that you are contemplating divorce, yet you have a lot of fear from within. This is preventing you from taking the first step.
    There must be several reasons behind your situation, which is not uncommon from our parts of the world.
    We have been brought up in a patriarchal society where women are taught to respect marriage above anything and divorce is a stigma. Especially divorce after kids is a strict no in many families; hence no one, including the parents won't support a woman who wants a divorce.

    When you are wired this way, it is understandably not easy to think out of the box.

    On the other hand, almost all of your threads suggest that you are depressed, anxious and unwell with heavy bleeding and perhaps a prolonged hormonal imbalance. Which is another reason for over thinking and unable to decide on something, which is already a complicated subject (divorce).

    You definitely need some support system to depend on, to lean on whenever you are tired and unable to do anything. You need a person to go to and confide all your problems. You need a back up, and someone to give you a back.
    For most married woman, their spouse naturally fills this place. For others, a friend or a family member be their support system.

    I had my mother's back when I was almost in your shoes a decade back. Same like you with an hormonal imbalance, unwanted heavy thoughts, anxious, over thinking while battling marital problems. Just that, my spouse wasn't abusive, but his parents were.
    So, I wasn't able to make any decisions though I was advised by almost every single person I met that time pushed me to divorce him.
    Staying in that marriage was complicated my health. Besides, the dysfunctional family wasn't adding any good to the kids - whom I was prioritizing whenever I made a decision.

    I discussed my problems with whomever I trusted back then just to vent out. Just to take the burden out from my chest, so that I could breath.
    But not everyone who heard my problems reacted as I expected.

    Some would advise me to divorce my H, despite of me not wanting to take that step.
    Some would blame me for the state I was in, insult my foolish decisions
    Some would gossip about my "in house crisis" outside and make fun of me
    Some would even suspect whether I was the real abuser, who camouflage a victims hat. (exactly the poster above mentioned. This is what prompt me to respond here).

    After a point, venting further depressed me, so I've decided to keep everything to self.
    But, believe me... Nothing improved, but the situation further damaged my health/mental status, which resulted in career downtime.

    That's when I happened to meet a priest, who gave me some valuable advice which changed my life for good.

    He asked me to forget about divorce if I do not ready for it. But asked to self-introspect for the reasons why I do not want it.
    You should be in a better place to decide what you want in life, and then convince others about your choices.
    It is like wearing the oxygen masks in the airplane before fixing the same on your child.

    My career was my oxygen that time. I focused on it religiously, which empowered me to the person who I am today.
    Which improved my decision making ability, and made me independent in life.

    Being successful also improved my social status and the relationship I had with my FOO and friends.

    My H is the same person today, but none of his behaviors disturb me as it disturbed in the past. Because all my problems were because of my expectation from my H based on what I heard/knew/and want rather than what he is.
    When I stopped expecting, rather accepting him as who he is, life changed for better.
    It has changed the way how my husband treats me today.

    Even today, my FOO and others advice that I should divorce this person, as he doesn't add any value to my life. But I will not, because I love being married and I love being together with this man.
    For whatever the reason, I just can't be happy without him and I know I will lose all the motivation to grow or even life if this man is not around me.

    When I said this in the past, no one cared about my feelings. They said I am being foolish.
    Today, they say I am a saint. And tomorrow, people will say something else.
    But I am who what I am, and I don't have to fit myself into someone's shoe just to be considered normal.

    I shared the above, just to give you assurance that you are not alone here.
    You are not reacting abnormal. You just do not fit in others' shoe which is considered a common size here.

    You are the best judge to your problem. We do not have the whole picture of your life!
    We do not know what kind of problems you or your kids may face after divorce.

    But I can tell you one thing for sure.
    You can improve yourself and grow further from where are you today.
    You can be self dependent, you can find a support system, you can be the queen of your own kingdom. You can work on your expectation and meet almost all your expectation without having to depend on your spouse.
    If that happens, you do not have to stuck at a place where you are not happy.

    You can work on your health and find therapy to whatever the emotional and mental health issues you are suffering right now (due to marital and hormonal issues).

    It is certainly better to be fit, independent and free of health complications.

    Focus all your energy on improving yourself, rather than finding answers to your husband's behavior or divorce.

    An improved person do not need a divorce to lead a better life. If at all you need it wholeheartedly, nothing will stop you from getting it.

    Therefore, focus on yourself better.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2023
  2. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    Madam you are right. but you must consider, OP is undergoing or showing severe symptoms of Narcisstic abuse, where the person who is abused, loses touch with reality a bit.

    it has been advised by multiple ILs to go to
    mental health professional before anything. medications before anything.

    I thought 1000 times before writing, not to rub or hurt OP.
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @lavani

    Thanks for coming back. Nothing against you personally. I understand that you are tired and out of genuine interest passed the above comment. However, please know... no matter what such comments won't help the poster if she is really struggling.

    If the OP is undergoing severe symptoms of narcissistic abuse, the first thing should be to support her. Console her, make her believe that she has support system. Make her understand that she can come out of it, and be normal eventually.
    Advice is the most easiest thing to do. But support is the what needed here.

    As you rightly said, the OP is a victim of abuse. But she doesn't know what next?
    She is tired of hearing advises around divorce... But nothing on where to go, whom to speak to, how to cover the legal charges, whom to depend on with kids and future life, how to face society, how to convince family, how to manage threats and further abuse from H or his family if she ever decides on divorce, and more importantly how to handle single life all over again.

    She is not a young fresh energetic and healthy single woman to start life all over again. She is already fragile, battling a health issue, depressed, and shows signs of abuse.... Given her mental state, it isn't easy to decide.

    People have either decided when they were pushed beyond a certain limit (often infidelity or serious physical abuse) where making a decision was the only choice left for them. Others were lucky enough to have a strong support system to depend on when life throws such unwanted stones at them.

    But people like the OP is helpless.... She is surviving in this life and feels her life is not under threat. She is confused whether it is OK to continue or leave this marriage to face another battle outside. Life isn't going to be a cakewalk after divorce, especially women like the OP.
    It is more often than not a situation like jumping to the fire from the frying pan.

    OP needs courage, and self development to make this jump perfect, so that she can throw herself far from the fire to breath again. This is a process, that often requires support system and healthy body.




     
  4. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Lavani
    SGBV is right..Your comment not only has bad impact on the OP's psyche but also will impact other readers who want to suggest her something.. They might think the way you are thinking and this will prevent OP from getting good responses. I have seen enough life to understand that yes people do get stuck especially as SGBV described about her condition few years back. The least we can do for them is not to judge them or pass harsh comments. Becoz of such comments people hesitate to seek help and suffer silently. Nothing against you ..maybe I have also done this judging etc at some point in life and then someone corrected me. So I decided to point it out here..I don't have any answer to OP's questions but definitely she deserves to be heard. I just posted once in this forum and didn't get many responses..maybe the readers couldn't relate to what I was going through but this is a beautiful forum where unknown people help other unknown people going through something they can't even discuss with their parents/ siblings. So let's not defeat the purpose of this platform. I hope Eager for info all the best in her life and wish soon she is posting her success story here.
     
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  5. msm

    msm Gold IL'ite

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    @SGBV - what a beautiful and matured response... not just for the OP, your words will help others too. Thank you for taking time to write such an elaborate detailed response and helping the community.

    Especially I like this part:

    But I will not, because I love being married and I love being together with this man.
    For whatever the reason, I just can't be happy without him and I know I will lose all the motivation to grow or even life if this man is not around me.
     
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  6. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Eagerforinfo,

    SGBV’s reply has so much deeper meaning. When I read her reply, I thought that’s a post straight from the heart! Hope you read it again and again and do some steps to make a better version of yourself. Your husband needs no more of your attention. Focus on your career, health and kids. And find a real life support, Parents, colleagues, friends from the past, anyone who really wishes well for you! Hope things improve and like SGBV said, be a queen in your own kingdom!
     
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  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I dont suggest anyone to continue in a marriage of violence and physical abuse. Its not good for kids or anyone. Next time call 911. Be prepared.
    We can try to be the queen of our kingdom or similar if physical abuse is not there. We have to be alive for it.
    Nothing is more important than your own life. You have to be alive to take care of your kids. Your h is elevating abuse because there is no consequence. Call 911 next time. May be that will give him a much needed shock. Record abuse. Getting a divorce or going seperation is another issue. That is totally your decision. Do it only when you are ready.
    Safety should be your top priority now. Your life is your responsibility. If you cant protect you, how can you protect your kids.

    Op should read again the replies on her posts especially on how to get professional help. As members of this site, we can empathize, provide moral support, listen and guide, but only she can help her, thats our limitation. She need to build a support system of friends and families or professionals. I dont understand why op cant seek professional help. Her own job EAP provide free support on those aspects. Talk to your collegues to learn more on it and friends for emotional support. If she cant love or respect her no body else can.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2023
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  8. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, well said. Just 1 911 call will put him in place
     
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  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP - @1Sandhya has given you some advice regarding DV on a similar post from a year ago. Please follow her advice and protect yourself. Where To Report Domestic Violence.

    In a year, things have escalated. It’s more a matter of you staying alive for your kids than you getting a divorce at this point. Don’t you want to be around for the kids? Domestic violence starts slowly and escalates. It’s a pattern and you yourself say he’s escalating. Do parents know? Friends? Are you gathering proof. Do you have an escape plan if he hurts you violently?
    Leave. DO NOT WAIT and think about kids and father and stable family. You don’t have any of that. Get out of there before you are badly hurt.
     
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  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    A Galore of outstanding rational Approach to solutions to OP filled with agog. Each of the respondents deserve kudos. Long live IL & its Folks. I feel to nominate each and every FB FOR FP of ongoing month.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2023

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