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Delivery In November Neither Mom Nor In Laws Interested In Asking About Me :(

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shwetapj, Oct 4, 2016.

  1. shwetapj

    shwetapj Silver IL'ite

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    I am due in november with my first baby. I am having domestic help at home for cooking and cleaning which I am very much thankful about. Secondly, the most important thing that stresses me out is my work schedule which I will have to manage even after delivery all alone without my husband's help and no option for that. My Mom though she has explained me how to take care of the baby alone, she is not interested in coming down to help me as we have a dog to be taken care of at home and my brother who is working. I asked for help for at least a week but she doesn't seem to show any interest and keeps telling me that there is no need of any help initially. Secondly , my MIL she is least bothered. Forget about the rest she will never even talk to me or ask me about my health or if I have arranged all the items needed to take care of the baby. I have seen in other places, that whenever a woman is pregnant, she is showered with lot of love and gifts. I am not interested in gifts or attention. i was expecting atleast she should have asked if i have arranged all the things baby needs. In short, she will never ever ask about baby. Looks like she is least interested. Also she clearly told she wont be there to help. When I will have my stay in Hospital for 2-3 days, there also there wont be anybody for my help. i would be alone with my baby. I have asked my husband not to stay in the hospital the whole day as it is not necessary.

    I am alone, My husband super busy with his business and i cannot leave my business. Though, after delivery we need to take bed rest, But unfortunately I will not get enough rest though I will try managing my work. I never expected this to happen, though I am mentally prepared to take care of myself and my baby all alone and dont need anybody. I am feeling really angry because whenever they needed me my mom and MIL I was always there to help that is financially or anything, but when i am in need, none is concerned to even ask. I am praying to god every time, even if i dont have help, doesnt matter, give me enough strength to take care of my baby, My self and My work.

    I dnt know if i am overreacting in this situation, but what i feel bad about is that I always try to do good to others without expecting anything in return but I am always backfired with this cruelty

    please help!
     
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  2. teejay

    teejay Gold IL'ite

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    op,
    Its quiet normal to feel the way you do. But the fact is neither your mom or MIL is obligated to help. If they want to help , then its a welcome gesture indeed. Since in your case neither is inclined to be there for you, curb the feeling of disappointment and make plans to handle things. If you have a normal delivery, there is no need for bed rest beyond your hospital stay. You should refrain from strenuous activities but need not be confined to bed. I am not sure about c-section scenario.Since you have domestic help, i think its not impossible to manage. You can just concentrate on your baby and the help can take care of the rest like cooking and cleaning. You will have to take it easy on the work front for atleast 4-6 weeks. once your baby gets into a routine of nap and feeding, you will be able to handle the work too.

    All the best!
     
  3. shwetapj

    shwetapj Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Teejay!

    Thanks for your support, problem is i do not have the option to leave my work as it is supporting us financially. I can manage to deal with it immediately after delivery , like working when the baby is sleeping. As it wont take much time may be if I can get an hour at a stretch on a daily basis is enough for me. i will be taking rest in between as much as possible. I hope this is possible. I know my mom and MIL are not obligated to help me. But not showing concern at all looks very cruel to me
     
  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hire a full time caretaker for household duties.

    Yes. It would be great if mum or mil helps. However if they aren't willing to, it's better to hire help than get unwilling relatives. At least that way you get to call the shots.

    I don't get this about your mil. She hasn't asked after you/ your health, I understand. But have you asked explicitly for help and discussed it? I think you should ask keeping aside all the pettiness.

    Your husband has to help - it is his child too and he has to work out the priorities under the circumstances. The point is that having a baby isn't like getting a toy that will sit in a corner until one chose to play with it. You will need help because you will have to be up all hours in the initial weeks(if you're lucky only the initial weeks) to feed and possibly change the baby. Lack of proper sleep everyday will take a massive toll on you, believe me. It's not something you can imagine now.

    It is possible to have a child without either set of parents. The dad being there is important though because it will be an emotionally and physically overwhelming time too for you.

    Get as much help as possible and do see if you can get friends to back you up at work. Or maybe a friend can come and help you when you work? Get home cooked healthy food delivered.

    It is a good idea to insist your husband be there in the hospital because you will need a hand with the baby. You dont want to do too much too soon and burn out. Take care and good luck
     
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  5. shwetapj

    shwetapj Silver IL'ite

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    Hi guesshoo

    Thanks for your reply. But both my mil and mom have clearly refused to help me even if i asked them repeatedly. Here i can see they are least bothered that is why my husband doesnt like me requesting them all the time hence he always consoles me that he is always there to help me. I have help for cooking and cleaning. Hence the extra burden of cooking is relieved. I would only need to take care of baby, rest and also my work which is my financial support
     
  6. shwetapj

    shwetapj Silver IL'ite

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    I know i would be having sleepless nights along with exhausted body but the problem.is i am helpless and have no option. I pray to god everytime to give me strength to deal with all that will come.
     
  7. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Silver IL'ite

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    Shweta,
    What you are feeling is absolutely justified.In this phase of life when we need care and love,we are weak and not our normal self ,expecting some concern and care from our most near and dear ones is totally normal.
    However your mother and MIL are not as responsible for helping you as your husband is.Right now your health and baby's health should be priority and rest everything is secondary.
    I have seen women boasting about how they managed everything right after birth or advising or judging women who need help but our body is important too_Our body is going through a lot of stuff during pregnancy and delivery too.It need care too.Not taking care of our body is not a very smart thing to do.so please don't fall in trap of those advices and please listen to your body.Everybody's body is different and time right after delivery is full of surprises.Everybody has different endurance level.

    You still have one month left so please make neccessary arrangements.Hire someone for cleaning,get homemade food delivered,hire some help,freeze some food etc..Do whatever preparations you can make ahead of time and note down important phone numbers.

    I am not scaring you but time after delivery especially initial 15 days are crazy.I got postpartum depression and i had no control over my emotions.Every three hours I was adviced to nurse the baby whether it's day or night.newborn babies they poop a lot whether it's day or night.Breastfeeding is not that natural as it seems like.you have to learn it and it's painful initially.so after delivery women are tired and then these things begins hence they get sleep deprived.not to mention other discomforts of delivery.so yes you need help of at least your husband.you need moral support.we are normal women not super women.
    If your husband can not help you or you can not arrange any outside help please forget about other things for the sake of your health and the baby and ask for help from your mother.you need help at least for initial 1 month.please plan everything.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2016
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  8. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Silver IL'ite

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    I didn't read your last post.sorry.If you have help for cooking and cleaning and your husband is supporting you it's manageable.dont worry everything will be alright.
     
  9. Avanti30

    Avanti30 Gold IL'ite

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    hey @shwetapj ,
    I understand you.
    My baby is due in December this year. We are managing our delivery and baby with help of each other (me and my husband). My mother in law passed away recently and my mom cannot come. I know that no help during the baby time is a bit difficult to digest.
    But I know that planning and patience can help you to sail through these days.
    Have you got all baby clothes, baby gear, your hospital bag done ? The most important thing, if you are in US, did you and your husband attend the childbirth class or newborn care class or breastfeeding class ?
    Try to focus more on you handling your baby delivery and healing your body healthily. Believe me, it is not easy to suck up the fact that there will be no help.
    I am trying to make all arrangements before the baby comes. You know what, if your husband is willing to help you, no one else is really needed.
    You are soon to be a super mom dear. If you get time, please do read below threads, they are helpful for people like us.
    Baby Care In The Us With Little Help Or No Help
    Post Preganacy Care With No Help Or Less Help In Us
     
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  10. somsar2014

    somsar2014 Silver IL'ite

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    Good evening Lady
    My best wishes and congratulations for the coming grand occasion of you becoming mother. Cheer up. In such condition of yours, you deserve all the positive attitudes of all those who are related to or have concern for you. But unfortunately you are not getting that. I do not want to dwell on such apathy of all those , about whom you have written in the post. When voluntary helps are not coming, please get yourself some professional help, as you do not seem to suffer from resource crunch. Please arrange for qualified nurses with professional experience. That will provide you the best support that you need. It is not at all an issue, whether your own mother or mother in law is coming to help you. Ignore them completely as if they do not exist in your world. In future, when they want to see or cuddle the the baby, do not allow them. You can start distancing yourself from them.

    But, your husband's role is intriguing as your report suggests. He cannot escape his responsibility. Money earning is okay, but child is more important. He can't ignore you as a child bearing machine. But, for the time being, remove all those thoughts from your mind. Think about the baby, arrangement for care after delivery and take care of your health. A mother is capable of withstanding all hostilities and indifference of close people.

    My advance congratulations and best wishes.
     
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