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Daughter Wants To Get Married

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by indubalram, Feb 29, 2020.

  1. indubalram

    indubalram Gold IL'ite

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    I had posted about my issues earlier. Thanks for your advice. It has been very useful.
    Now my daughter is doing her masters however she had been having a boyfriend. She says she wants to live with him. So as u know our culture doesn’t allow such relationships. She says she will just do court marriage. I’m shocked! Will this work?
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    She's 24 years old. This poem might give some respite from the worry.

    Court marriage is as official as any other marriage. It should not be entered into just to get a "legal" stamp on the living together.

    What happens to your credit when you get married
    While marriage in and of itself has no impact on credit scores, common practices of married couples—seeking joint car loans or mortgages, opening joint credit card accounts, or adding a spouse as a cardholder on individual accounts—can affect both spouses' future credit. Each borrower on any joint loan or account is equally responsible for repaying associated debts, so usage and payment activity on those accounts is reflected in both spouses' credit reports and scores (for better or for worse).
    Similar credit score risks are there with living together, but it is easier to end that relationship.
     
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Have you met the boyfriend?
     
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  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand you are shocked, but as parents we have to move ahead with the times. You are lucky your daughter did tell you this before moving in. My friends lived with their boyfriends without letting their parents know. This was 20 years ago !
    You can tell her not to move in but that is not going to stop her from pursuing a physical relationship with her boyfriend.
    Living with someone is very different than seeing them outside in restaurants/ movies etc. It may also prevent one from getting into a bad marriage with intimacy, emotional or other issues.
    Living in is not our culture. But in our culture , marriage is a only a tool to have a family and be good mothers / wives/ daughter in laws. It does not give any importance to emotional and physical intimacy for women.
    Instead keep communications open with her and ask the right questions:
    Is she sure about the guy?
    How are they dividing chores/finances etc?
    If you are comfortable, ask her specifically about safe practices .
    His dating history , educational, financial background. Do his parents know ? Are they comfortable with is ?
    How long is the live in period ? When do they plan to transition to marriage ?
     
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  5. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    can you ask her to wait till studies done and start working and have stable life before taking more responsibilities or new type of responsibilities?

    if she starts at this point where she need to study and other goals like getting good job or further study, the relationship with Boy friend may strain.
    When she wants to live with him she and him should also have time to invest for both of them and cherish those beautiful moments.
    Otherwise in hurry burry life the important days where relationship starts would be like any ordinary day, why can't they save plan well for either those living together days.
    One goal at a time, works well.
    in our culture, newly married will be called to relatives houses and they treat them so nice and send them after few days.. or people go honeymoon, so tell her special days need to be special..
    Also tell her you are happy she found her special guy and want to start her own home.

    This all only if the guy is good ...
     
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  6. indubalram

    indubalram Gold IL'ite

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    Ya I did speak to her but she is very determined. Otherwise she may runaway or not focus on studies or job
     
  7. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    Loved the poem. But in our culture, we do not follow it.
    The poem, it self is so beautiful.

    OP,
    I like the idea of living together before marriage. I would have loved a court marriage. I still fight with my mother- because a big wedding was her idea. I see it as a waste of time, money and effort. If you are thick with your extended family, may be a big dinner afterwards will suffice. Let her save her money. Millennials are not able to buy house, start family. She is thinking right.
     
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  8. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Op,

    I see that you live in the US. I’m assuming your daughter grew up in the US. At 24, living with her boyfriend is actually extremely common and acceptable. My brother’s girlfriend (both are Indian raised in US) lived with him before she joined her masters program. Our parents did not know about these details, as it is just shocking to them. My med school friends, all lived with their boyfriends, officially or unofficially. Every married Indian American friend I have, lived with their spouse before marriage.

    Its a logistical thing, because it saves time and money. These couples, even if they live separately, end up staying over anyway. Personally, I’m impressed that your daughter felt comfortable enough to tell you. That’s a mark of having a good relationship with your daughter.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh, btw, I would advise her not to get married for the sake of getting married. Being married has so many legal, financial and familial hoops to jump, that it’s better to to wait.
     
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