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Who Is It At Fault ? Unhappy Married Life

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Neetu2323, Apr 16, 2018.

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  1. dnormx01

    dnormx01 Gold IL'ite

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    If they don’t have friends and don’t celebrate anything, when and where do they wear all the expensive jewelry and sarees to??

    Genuine doubt...

    Anyway you cannot change anyone, neither them, nor yourself. So just let them be, enjoy your life like you want to. Best wishes
     
    Sandycandy likes this.
  2. Neetu2323

    Neetu2323 Senior IL'ite

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    Hehe .. yea actually its funny..
    yea they dont have any friends..
    they dont like celebrating weddings according to them.. its like a chore..
    but when ever they go out.. like to hospitals.. or to a wedding or funeral.. they wear all these and go :0
    yes even funeral...

    My mother in law says shes v old.. but shes backward only in thinking. she has coloured and straightened her hair.
    Its just to get peoples attention that she says shes sick and tired.
    Some of the weddings I am ashamed to take them.. the wear even more expensive things than the brides and the grooms family. They go for weddings often but always complain they are forced to go.
     
  3. Neetu2323

    Neetu2323 Senior IL'ite

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    I dont have support from anywhere.. my husband thinks everything is fair.
    I wish he had told me all these things frankly. this was one of my conditions for marriage , when ever i asked before marriage he said his mom was very modern. I like to have a loving relationship with my in laws. I have a doubt if my mother in law is simply making me go through all these. she knows i am sensitive already. My finanical background is better than my husbands families. My parents are both from well off families. Even when I meet some of my distant in laws they are very proud that I am from such a good family unlike them. This is hard for my mother in law to accept.

    She never worked in her whole life. my mom her mom and even my great grand mother were working women.
    she always say that a womans main aim in life is to look after family. She compares me with other daughter in laws in the family who are 10 plus years elder to me.. I am working against my husbands wishes. even he thinks his mom is right. He tries to take all the decisions without consulting with me.
     
  4. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    My case is ort of similar, i come from a well off family when compared to my In-laws. My MIL will make sure she will either point out my flaws or say 'my positives' are not anything great. MILs generally feel DILs will start becoming dominant if they are praised or spoken in favor. Hence she want to show DILs their place. So whatever good you do , you MIL may only point out the flaws or behave indifferent to your positives. I would only advice you to stop dreaming of having good relationship, but rather try to maintain a decent relationship with her. You don't bond too much but at the same time don't fight/behave distant.

    But what concerns me in your post is your husband's nature. I still feel this is your main issue rather than your in-laws. Try to see how you can create a bond with your husband so that he is on your side and takes your feedback in decision making.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  5. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello OP,

    I feel your pain, as I too had expected that I married into a modern family. I grew up in the US, and my "modern" husband had met my parents, seen my childhood home, and even met my family friends before marriage- I met my inlaws and they seemed sweet, since my MIL was a hardworking 12th std teacher and is very personable (by it was also a formal setting). Married in, they are all quite traditional- much more than my family in India are. And naturally, they are also of lower financial standing compared to my parents. I too felt tricked, frustrated and helpless.

    The hard truth is, your issues with the inlaws are all tolerable issues, if you had a loving marriage. It seems like the problem is less with the inlaws and more about your husband's backwards mentality. He seems to be caring, buying you sarees and such (mine still doesn't do that, but it's probably for the best), but you aren't really connecting since he hasn't taken the effort to understand you and your modern outlook. Stay confident with your true self, and don't let insults or backhanded complements deter you from your ideals. When dealing with in-laws (my inlaws stay at my house 3-6 months a year, I hate it, but I have their grandson, so I can't deny them) be polite and considerate enough for a guest. But don't expect to be BFFs with your MIL. I had hoped that I would get along with my inlaws (I get along with every other aunty In the world) but she literally had nothing in common with me. She's religious (verses spiritual), self-sacrificing for the family (I believe that you have to take care of yourself to take care of others), and has no concept leisure time (I read, make crafts, bike, yoga, etc.).

    I agree with your parents' sentiments, it's not great to have a strained relationship, but it's not divorce worthy, unless you truly cannot live with your husband and see a life away from him. Try to lower your expectations and see what you have with open eyes and an open heart. You might not like what you see, but you might also see the good in your marriage and life. If you really can't tolerate it, then maybe divorce is the path for you. That's not an easy path either, but it really depends on what you see for your life.
     
    sindmani, Sandycandy and shravs3 like this.
  6. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    In laws shouldn’t treat you unkindly or harshly or interfere so much. That’s unfair. Hubby can’t do anything because guess what? Before marriage before you came... the way they’re treating u now they treated him that way and probably still do

    Here’s a thread that’s lighthearted but will teach you how to cope when they’re rude
    Ways to irritate In Laws who are irritating u.....

    Don’t divorce him. He’ll change slowly especially once you have children. Does your husband have any bros/sisters? Are they married?
     
  7. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    Totally get u as dils we just want to be accepted and treated kindly. Remember MILs can never be your Mother. They just aren’t programmed that way. They’ll always behave like strangers with us. Hmm if her in laws were hell then she shouldn’t treat u that way. How rude. Mind you mines is the same haha.

    Hmm I’ll have to stay at hubbies house too with her. Tell her jokingly that your a grown women and not even your OWN mother tells u what to eat, drink, wear etc. Next time ur husband wants to go visit her ask him can u not go by yourself...I feel so bored...nothing to do and all my relatives say why don’t u come? Is it ur in laws or husband that stop you?? Act annoyed. You should be allowed to meet ur relatives what if they die etc do as much drama as she does. Wear wht u want. Don’t conform.
     
  8. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    Yeah the less they call the better and the less they talk to u about it the better. If hubby talks about what they said....short reply and talk about something u need in the house etc...first paragraph by the above is what u should stand by.
     
  9. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    U can mould and change ur husband. Does he have foriegn friends? What’s his job like? Busy? Again give him responsibility. Men are little boys when we marry who we ourselves turn into men. Don’t blame anyone. Your friends might have issues themselves but keep it quiet. Distract yourself. No friend no matter how close will tell you their reality.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Distant in-laws are proud that you are from a good family unlike them? Have they no pride and self-respect?

    How would your MIL show acceptance? By smiling and nodding when the distant in-laws observe that you are from a good family unlike the one you are married into?
    You and the women in your past three generations were working. Good for them. With a century of cumulative working experience to help, you ended up marrying into a family that doesn't encourage women working? Got married as young as 21?

    If you made it clear before the wedding that you want to work, your husband agreed and now keeps saying you shouldn't work, he is kind of going back on his word. "Kind of" because you are working. You could try to make your working a non-topic. Don't put the focus on his mother's views or his agreeing with them.

    You like teddies and chocolates. He buys you sarees and bags. You think investing in house/plot or traveling is a good idea, he doesn't. These are pretty standard issues in early married life. You are young, your marriage is also young. Things will settle. Stop comparing your in-laws with your family. Now you and your husband are a new family which will be a blend of where you both come from.
     
    GoneGirl, Sandycandy, Laks09 and 3 others like this.
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