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Where Do You Stay While Visiting India?

Discussion in 'Home Decoration & Improvement' started by anivijay, Jan 10, 2020.

  1. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply Laks. You are right. I failed in that part. Not like I put husband and kids as second priority. But I kept mom and sisters still as first priority even after marriage. I take the full blame for that.

    Saree :) it was a big issue for me emotionally. In my childhood, mom had very few good sarees. Dad wont buy for her. only if he could buy 5, she would get one. one for granma, 3 for aunties. I felt no one to buy for mom. She had no parents, no siblings. who would buy for her? I would buy for her when I grow up. when I was in college, I used to save pocket money and buy cotton sarees for her. I remember the nice sungudi sarees I bought her first time,, Maroon with navy blue border and blue with pink border.. Once I go to job, then it became silk sarees. I bought her so many sarees. somehow, i associated saree with emotional support in my mind. That's why its coming again and again. As I told in my earlier posts, after my marriage she never bought any saree for me. Even when I was carrying( . It was heart breaking. Because no one bought me a saree.. not husband, not mother in law and mother as well. It was big shock for me who associated saree with emotional support.

    But I think, not anymore. I overcame that part. Now I dont expect anyone to get me saree ie i dont need emotional support outside.. But I find my support within myself. Thats why , getting that saree for xmas is significant for me. When I said I bought a saree for myself, they could not believe. They asked again and again. But I said yes, I bought for myself. Hereafter, when I need one, I can buy one. I am not expecting anyone to get it for me. I hope saree won't come in my future posts.

    cheers
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
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  2. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Ddream. May be its sibling rivalry. You are seeing the whole picture as outsider. so may be you are right. I am really working on the things you said. I am distancing myself from them. Minding my own family(husband and kids) and my business. Not interfering in my mother/sisters family matters. Not even talking to them. Now a days, not even worrying about mother's health. Because sister is there to take care. I am living this far. Can't really do anything.

    Vacation part, decided not going to India this year, and few years to come. Husband may go with or without kids whenever he wants. Its his wish. I am not going. That's it.

    So, I am not worrying about where to stay as well.

    Thanks
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
    yellowmango and deepthyanoop like this.
  3. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Well done, you are into the way of healing. Let it be the new year resolution. Put yourself first. Listen to your feelings more. Love yourself more than anyone. That doesn't mean you are selfish. You are just coping.
    Also tell yourself more often that your mother and siblings are in a better place now. They are busy and absorbed in their own worlds. You too do the same. As Laks said first circle should always be husband and kids. I would say in your case,second circle should be husband and kids too... And feel happy inside that now don't have to worry about your mother and sisters anymore. They are good and living their life happily. Pray for them,wish them on their special days.Gifting part,I would say do it for your mom only. Your are in a country,where educational and medical expenses are higher than India. If mom questions about not gifting sisters,tell her you just cannot afford it more often. Allow yourself some time to heal from the past experiences. Don't visit India until then.I know it will be hard for you,as you always thought about them as your immediate family. Time to change that. Make small changes. All will be ok dear.
     
  4. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    thanks DeepthyAnoop. I understand and will do the same.

    I opened this thread to get some advice about going to flat/build a house. I didnt realise I have this inside. I am working on. I too hope everything will be ok. Thanks again
     
  5. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Do give mom some credit .Being a widow at young age , raising 3 girls and taking care of their needs may not be easy job . Considering your family setup and one daughter married to her own brother your mom have her own insecurities. You are mixing your problem with your disabled sister problem. Your mom has to do deal with all three of you. Even after buying saree why can't you keep quiet and enjoy . You have some issues which you need to work on yourself. You are too emotionally invested in this relationship and it might be suffocating for other party involved. Seriously you need to focus on something else in life . You are giving too much importance to this saree thing. With the money you make you can buy enough for yourself. I'm really surprised by your saree story. I visit India once in 3-4 years and I buy enough stuff for myself which will last till next trip. Now a days there are so many online sellers where you can order. You are working adult women who has a teenager . You buy stuff for yourself. If someone gifts you accept that with grace otherwise why do you complain. If you gift someone thank God you are in better place to gift them . Being in your mom's position is not easy job. Considering your frequency of travel you are not a guest and it is lot of work to entertain anyone for that case yearly for 3 weeks. Just think from your mom perspective . You are loosing precious time with your mom thinking about materialistic stuff like room and saree.
     
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  6. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    I have some psychological issues that i need to work on. That people don't understand and not easy to explain. I am working on. Gifting myself a saree was part of that exercise. Thats why i mentioned. Saree story came on when Laks asked about it. That too I said , i am not going to talk about it anymore. I am working now. But just for last year. Previous 2 years i didnt. Its on and off all these 15 years.

    May be its suffocating for my mom. Thats why i am distancing myself. Let her be happy with her other children.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2020
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  7. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    Your mum is dependent on your sister and her husband due to her age. So even if she wished to accomodate you she will not be in a position to do so.

    In general some of the relatives in India wouldn’t be attached with siblings who had gone overseas. Unless they bring in gifts or they get some financial support the ones overseas are almost like a forgotten lot. Usually doesn’t happen with parents but it does happen sometimes.

    Your feelings are that you are not getting reciprocated with similar emotions from the other side which I can understand. It has been quite a long time this had happened and you hadn’t realised to step back long ago. Now you have realised this need to let go which is good.

    It would definitely hurt anyone when there is no emotional support from parents. You don’t have to worry about your mum as she is with her daughter but you get detached from them. That’s the only way.

    You have your family, job and other related things to concentrate on. So forget about having a trip to India often and instead plan vacations to other countries. Letting go is what you have to do now.
     
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  8. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    You don't have to distance yourself just do things with her without expectations.
    I'm sorry if I have hurt your feelings. Is it possible for her to make a solo trip even for two weeks ?
    Maybe you both need some private space to bond with each other. How about taking her for a trip in India without siblings ?
     
  9. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    This sort of attachment to a place is universal; when people had to go elsewhere and make a living, they long for the memories, and the experiences of early days in those street-corners.
    Perhaps your husband may sell that old house some day (before it deteriorates too badly) and hand over the lump sum to his mother (who has been collecting that rent*), and you two can absolve all connections with the old town, and move on with your life. Aside from getting a clean mental break from these ties that hold you to the "home"town, not having any pesky, and troublesome (*) income-generating foreign assets is good for foreign (USA?) tax return filers.
     
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  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    This does hurt. Especially when it’s the mom. I’m glad you have made peace with it and are moving on. Get whatever your heart desires and treat yourself right. Also know it will still pinch a little. In time, you will learn to deal with it.
     
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