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Terms And Conditions On Inlaws Moving In

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Oct 3, 2019.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies

    Thank you all for your help in recent days/ weeks . I'm really upset and going through a turmoil phase where y husband wants to get my inlaws GC done and move them here . I have been having fights with him and have put my following points but almost to no vain

    1. Both inlaws are alive, so what is the need to disrupt anything now ?if one is not there, then it make sense to move the second one in
    2. MIL is just 64 and is healthy to a level that she can still taunt and get things done her way
    but nothing has helped and my husband is a SHRAVAN KUMAR . so i', really worried that when they come here for 6 months in a year, they all will team up and i will be the bad person and will be left behind . My evil sil is also here in US so teaming up is for sure going to happen

    3. Hes not able to understand that getting this done way advanced in time will burn me out and will cause a very bad relationship issues between me and him and his family as well .I have tried telling him many different ways but he is simply not getting this logic

    I need to compile a list of acceptable and non acceptable terms and conditions . Some things i have thought of so far . Please help me here : Add to this or tell me a better way to put it .
    please add your experiences . I'm sure this will help a lot of women in the same condition
    ALERT : SOME WOMEN MAY FIND THIS VERY STRICT .but you have to understand that ihad a choice of marring very rich business guys living in joint families and I choose not TO . Also, i have never said NO to taking care of ill aged parents but that time will come appr after 10 years for my inlaws . So if this is going to happen 10 years in advanced, I need to set my foot straight as my mil is in a stage of life where she controls and wants to go around the world on sons money and take sil along and wants everything done HER WAY

    1. BE TRUTHFUL TO US : My mil is a school principle and is a very smart and manipulative lady . She knows her way around and i can never stoop low to her level .Hence, I'm scared. I will never become EVIL and MANIPULATIVE , SWEET TALKER like her but i cannot help myself getting hurt when she is around . I dnt want her to LIE and not be truthful to US . this rule applied to my KIDS and anyone who lives in MY HOUSE .Otherwise , you just be a guest for sometime and LEAVE PLEASE !
    HER sweet talking is very annoying for me because I know what shes doing but cannot tell her that .

    2. GIVING TO SIL AND REMINDING HER SON FOR DUTIES ALL THE TIME : She will make sure to control everything and make sure to teach my husband to start giving way more to my sil in name of ladka ladki. I always had that issue with her where she made sure , my husband is taught and reminded of all the duties he has towards his parents and sister and that's why this is happening at an early age ( moving in ) .hes so torn between his duties and wife, and hes not able to make this decision that his duty can be done at a time and age when my inlaws needs it
    when they move in, we will be spending a lot on them so i dnt want to hear anything about giving to sil .I'm not asking sil to pitch in but keep giving her in this age and era especially when she is in US i not acceptable. If so, then she needs to pitch in .
    when in rome do what romans do , i want to follow that advice. If we are in US then i dnt want to hear anything about ladka ladki and other dramas that comes along with it .

    The problem is that we have always listened and obliged to this one sides culture, but there have never been any gain that has come from being a ladka and bahu besides the duties that are always reminded off .If in my 15 years I had any benefit of being a LADKAS WIFE, then this would have been easy for me .

    i also dnt want to hear indirect ways of duty reminders from her like mamaji did that for sister, or some cousin did something for parents or sister etc

    3. BIASED TOWARDS SIL : My inlaws are knowingly or unknowingly very biased when it comes to sil . They even do not treat their son right when i comes to sil . so forget me and my kids

    SO when they live in this house , i will not be able to tolerate this . they have to decide what part of the family they belong to .Sil is a different family . if they are going to treat her better than me or of they are going to treat her kids better than my kids then i will not tolerate and WHY SHOULD I >? DNT MOVE THEN

    if my husband is expecting me to do this duty of moving them then they need this done from their part .
    My SIL knows everything about our life from MIL but i know nothing ! this is really not fair . She does not need to know what I ate today , what i wore today , what i bought today , what classes my kids when today and what fights /disagreements/discussions happened in our HOUSE TODAY !

    4. PRETENDING NATURE AND USING SWEET WORDS TO BECOME A HERO NATURE : my mil does not help but pretends differently in front of my husband . for eg , she woUld not make lunch, dinner etc but in front of my husband she will make rotis and convert those rotis to paranthats by adding oil/SALT and keep talking about how she is feeding us these parantha's ( plain parantahs not even stuffed because then the work is required to make the stuffing )
    I enjoy cooking and I cook very fast so i never expects her to cook .It is not a big deal for me but when these manipulative things are done, then i get very angry and keep thinking about it .
    Kids going to school, she will never get up early to help make tiffins or breakfast so i can get them ready but over the weekend she will be up early and pretending that this is the daily routine of waking up .

    once she did broom the kitchen, which is 200-300 sqft and she made sure to tell this to my husband who comes back from work in the evening that today she cleaned the kitchen . It was a slap on my face . Am i stupid, cleaning your rooms, bathrooms every day and not announcing it to the world and if you did broom the kitchen, what is the point to telling your son . she did not even mentioned it to me , but waited all day for son to come back and made sure to say this in front of him

    So this pretending has to go away as this takes my peace of mind. i understand that its her nature even with others . If she make one phone call to someone, she will announce it 10 times that she called and god forbid, if the other person did nt call then theres more of this pretending drama .
    When you live for longer time, everyone will be doing work . Life will be disrupted for me , what IF I START ANNOUNCING THAT and PRETENDING how much trouble i'm going through or work i'm doing to ALL MY FRIEND OR RELATIVES WHO VISITS US !

    in my house neither i'm like this and nor is my husband . We do things for other but sometimes, we both dnt even know about it because we dnt make it a big deal . We are very down to earth and not expect anyone to praise us or we want to show off to world , how nice we are .
    So this entire pretending thing is very artificial for me and i will NEVER accept it. As i said, i dnt want to become her and i dnt even want to learn these things , neither i want my kids to learn or have this nature of blowing every small little thing that they do for others

    If i bring this to my husband , he will be very upset but he has to understand that these small little things matter when you live longer with someone who is elder to you and you cannot say anything except for being QUIET . These small little things will burn me out

    5. HELP AROUND THE HOUSE :Of course I expect Help in KITCHEN and in the HOUSE when they live here for longer time .So far when they visit for smaller times, i have never accepted them to cook or clean but i cannot do this for longer time . ONE SOLUTION to that is not have the house cleaned and that is NOT ACCEPTABLE TO ME . my house is always clean and i like it that way . I put a lot of effort in maintaining a clean house on everyday basis . People will kids knows that once a month or once a week cleaning lady does not do justice . Things need to be done on a daily basis .
    My husband is against his mom, picking up a broom and i DNT UNDERSTAND THE REASON why ?????
    i will still be doing most of the deep cleanings, but if needed cleaning needs to be done ! and every day !
    on top of that my mil is also not very clean .In india when you have a maid coming every day, its a different story but here i will not accept to be dong cleaning for everyone and not accepting to not have my house clean .THATS IT , NO COMPROMISE
    otherise bring a maid with you from India. Expecting me to change my cleaning habits is not going to happen. I also wants to teach my kids how to be clean on everyday basis

    6. SOCIAL LIFE :

    It should not be an added responsibility to take care of social life here now . I dnt want to add more responsibility . this happens when you bring them way ahead when they should be here . oUR Responsibility is regarding their health and that is anyways a lot of work when it comes to that .So burning yourself out to make sure they are comfortable in every which way does not make sense. If that is the case, they they should wait to come here and stay for longer . They can continue to have their social life in India and when they really need help , we move them In !

    i have a very busy social life with my friends and i like my friends more than even the family . With FAMILY comes a lot of drama sometimes but friends are to just CHILL. my husband probably does not feel the same but or me my friends are very important
    My husband has to understand that once he brings his parents here, and fulfills his so called DUTY that he is after , there is no more DUTY after that !
    they are here and living with us and grand kids , that is enough .Do not expect to take them with me everywhere i go .Rather i need to step out with my kids as a family that does not include inlaws. I still want to be able to continue to do things that i have been doing with just US . i dnt want any compromise on that ! Once a while is ok for them to go but i'm not taking them to my friends house every time they call us because slowly my friends will stop calling us because we come in big package .

    My husband has to understand this : He always see that some of our friends bring their parents when they are visiting, yes when they are visiting ! once in 2 years or so and for less time . When you are here for longer time every year , this cannot happen

    For my husband , this thing will not matter as he is not a social person but he has to UNDERSTAND that not everything is about him and what he wants ! He does not enjoy talking to friends for hours or hanging out but this is my thing . MOREOVER, I need to get out of the HOUSE without them . I need a BREATHER ! and no more RESPONSIBILITY


    7. VACATIONS : If i live with them , i will not vacation with them ! THATS IT . Thats my time to Destress and not bring STRESS WITH ME

    8 . WHAT IS HIS COMPROMISE IN ALL THIS : I want to know from my husband that he being a guy, gets to do what he wants to and ofcourse by bringing his parents in here , he s happy .
    TO BE FAIR : I want some things from his side too for LIFE
    going forward, i will spend more time with my sister. he knows that i have a good bonding with my sister but instead of appreciating how that helps me , he makes it a comparison war with his SISTER.
    HIS SISTER has a bonding with his mom and that's why she will NEVER Have that Bonding with me or even HIM . he do not understand this.
    Going forward i will visit my sister, go vacation with my family and he has to do that but without bringing his sister in this equation for comparison . This is my way of spending time with my family . His way was to move his PARENTS in the same house .So he has to accept this

    After this there should be no jealousy or competition that he does with my sister and her sister all the time . He has to understand that he brought his parents closer to him and this is good for his sister as well and i'm sure she will start visiting her parents too now .

    THIS IS what I WANT FROM HIM . HE SHOULD MAKE EFFORTS TO BE CLOSE TO MY FAMILY WITHOUHT THINKING THAT HE DID NOT DO THIS FOR HIS OWN SISTER

    9. NOTHING MORE AFTER THAT :
    So basically , what he is asking is more than half of my life left . I will have to live in compromise STATE for more than half of my left life at least . I did not marry a joint family guy when i had options instead I choose to be independent because thats how I'm . After this , HE CANNOT ASK ME FOR ANYTHING MORE FOR HIS FAMILY ! I WANT HIM TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY LET ME BREATHE . He cannot Put restriction on me on visiting my parents , siblings . I will be spending more time, i will be visiting ,y sister more Often that what it is now /. He has to understand that and accept that ,
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2019
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  2. IL86

    IL86 Silver IL'ite

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    @Goahead , I don't think they will follow your terms and agreements even if your DH agrees for now, once they come here they will do as they want. What will you do then, can you send them back? If you have so much resentment then it's not fair for your own being to live as a joint family. Just tell him you will not live together with them and don't want GC processing done for them. What will happen if you say no? Will he still bring them over or will he show angry faces? Can you live independently in different house with kids while your DH shuttles between both houses? I am just saying do what is practical for you. And do tell your DH if you plan that way ,when you tell make sure it's not an empty threat tell only if you could actually implement it.
     
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  3. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    i have tried suggesting all these solutions to him , different house etc but no that will not happen.

    I also know that they may not follow all these terms and conditions, but i want to give this lis to husband and tell me what i want and if these things do not happen, then i'm moving out ! or he needs to figure out other plans . I want this is writing so he cannot deny it later and cannot take me lightly
     
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  4. IL86

    IL86 Silver IL'ite

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    Well from whatever I have gathered even if he gives in writing it won't happen. When you already know this is not solution then look for real solution. Honestly after few years of married life I can tell empty threat of moving out will make no difference,he probably won't even think once about it, so my question to you is how serious are you about moving out? If you think you can really handle independently then don't wait till that point. Just make it clear now only there will be two homes you are not going to live with them, again you know your financial abilities and circumstances,so decide based on that. If you do want this solution then make sure he sees progress like actively searching for house. If you ask me don't accept their GC processing situation at all in first place. Whatever you decide , decide now.
     
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  5. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    @Goahead I feel for you and what you are going through. It's really tough handling this situation and coming up with a solution that will satisfy both you and H.

    If H agrees to try what you are asking for and you can happily accept their welcome (which is what he seems to want), then please

    - Ask for a trial 3-month period *before* GC processing where your expectations and H's expectations are met in a reasonable way.

    - In case you are in an single-family home, do you have a place in your home to build/add an in-law suite in the backyard or as an attached structure to your home? So that you might have your own dwelling spaces right next to each other: What Is a Mother-In-Law Apartment & Should You Have One? | Moving.com
    And importantly - to justify the financial costs of this - you can maybe Air-BNB this in-law suite to help pay your mortgage, save for college/retirement - during the 6 months in-laws aren't here.
    Adding this might be a 2-5 year project that you and H can work on and perhaps be "more ready" to welcome them.
     
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  6. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    I don't have solution for your problem from what I'm seeing is you are trying to control the situation which is not in your control. Let it go . Sometimes universe works it way out. You are investing so much time on this issue it will drain you more. I hope you find peace. Is it possible to buy a house with in-laws unit ?
     
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  7. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    If you don’t like it then don’t accept it. That’s it without any ifs and buts. If your husband is stubborn just tell him that if he wants to bring them, they have to live separately and you wouldn’t share any responsibilities as to the local care giving, shopping and other works.

    I don’t know whether you are working and if so just be upfront about all these. If you aren’t working, it does become more of a problem as your husband wouldn’t heed your advice.

    I recently read this thread. It’s similar to your problem and now it’s so easy to find why the wife divorced her husband.

    Eventually this move is going to drive a wedge into your marital relationship. It’s not India and it’s not going to be easy looking after them. Dump all responsibilities onto husband and either you move away with your kids and let your husband live with his parents or your in laws stay separately. All these will be feasible only if you are strong financially.

    Read this thread and forward to your husband.
    Opinion On Reason For Divorce (someone My Mom Told Me About)
     
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  8. abcd5

    abcd5 Silver IL'ite

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    I was in the same situation a few years back. After checking the health insurance quote my husband dropped that plan. First 5 years they are not going to qualify for anything and health insurance going to cost thousands of dollars with a high deductible and out of pocket max. Did you discuss with your husband about their health insurance? Is he ready to spend?
     
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  9. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    @Goahead : I do not think they will approve for all these and it will solve your problem.
    Also, thinking from your husband's side and I think it is a right decision to bring them here. I meant to the country, but they shouldn't necessarily share the same home with you. Since both of IL's kids are here, it makes sense that they live here for rest of their life. But that being said, did you ever get a quote for health insurance? Sometimes that alone is a good way to hinder this process. If your husband thinks he can afford to have them here he will not ask his sister to chip in. Which is not fair. It is not like living in India with parents.
    How old are your kids? Isn't your husband worried about college money and your retired life?
    I like the idea of trying for 3 months. See how the expenses and your life goes.
     
  10. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    It looks more like a vent than rules , the rules what you stated are difficult to follow through that too by others

    I have been having in-laws with me for six months and mom for six months For several years now.

    just to give perspective my mil was against our marriage so you can imagine the differences but things mellow down over years


    What worked for me is

    - having an open mind about in-laws and take everything at face value and no looking into deep unspoken meanings

    - look for positives in them and don’t let
    Negativity cloud my thoughts and judgement
    - a very busy work life
    - multiple TVs with channels they watch
    -take what ever help they give and not going overboard myself or imposing my way or highway kind of stuff
    - praise genuinely if they cook or do something special
    - don’t interfere in their time with my husband
    - I use the free time as me time
    - don’t compete with in-laws
    - I still go with my routine

    I view two things very differently than what you stated

    - money , we treat out incomes as seperate and We have full freedom to spend on parents and siblings as we seem fit , this does not require permission ... we don’t feel ownership on other’s income so it does not bother me or my husband on how we spend on respective families .... this may not be for everyone but helps immensely in our case . This does not mean we spend everything on our families , No. We also do have common investment goals , contribute to family finances etc etc ...

    second we treat in-laws and my mom as family not guests , so any outings and vacations when they are here are as a entire family. Actually we have vacations to same places twice once with in-laws and once with my mom . Only exception is taking family to friends places or parties ,only if they are invited and most do invite and lot of times my in-laws and mom refuse as they get bored .

    if you really feel strongly against having them , put your foot down now and not give in .... because with the amount bitterness it is going to be very hard years ahead
     
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