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Opinion On Reason For Divorce (someone My Mom Told Me About)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ATI, Sep 11, 2019.

  1. ATI

    ATI Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi all

    I wanted to share this incident/story my mom told me about one of her friends. My mom and I are in complete disagreement about the woman's decision. Very interested in knowing what others think. Here is the background

    My mom has a friend (lets call her Mrs L and her husband Mr L). They have 1 son (Mr M) and 1 daughter. Traditional middle/upper class family. Raised both kids well, sent them to good schools. Son went to US for masters. Daughter got married and stayed in India (her preference). Son (MR M) then got married (to Mrs M). Mr & Mrs L started splitting time between India and US. At first they would spend ~4 months in US each year. Mr & Mrs M had kids. Mr & Mrs L went and spent more and more time in US with grandkids. Mr & Mrs M both worked in the US, had citizenship and a nice house etc. When Mr and Mrs L stayed in India they had their own house about 30min away from daughter's place and would cook for daughter and do all house work for her. My mom assumes she did the same for Mr & Mrs M but we don't know. My mom did say Mrs L looks forward to going to the US because she gets a break from all the work in India so I have my doubts she helped her DIL the way she helped her daughter.

    As Mr & Mrs L grew older they decided it was their son's job to take care of them so they applied for green card and started spending 6 months each year in the US. Mrs M was not happy about this but she couldn't say no because Mr M thought it was his responsibility to care for his parents. The grandkids were in high school & college by this point. Mrs M has a widowed mother who was living with her brother (ie Mrs M's uncle) in India and Mrs M would come each year to visit her mother. 3 years ago Mr & Mrs L got US citizenship and moved in full time with their son. As soon as her 2nd kid went to college, after 25 years of marriage, Mrs M filed for divorce citing 'incompatibility' and 'irreconcilable differences' . Mrs M is in her late 40s and felt like she has another good 20 active years of life left. She didnt want to spend that time with Mr M and his family.

    Last year Mr M, Mrs L & Mr L all moved back to India. My mom met Mrs L and Mr M after they moved back to India and she was feeling very bad for Mr M because he was a shell of the man he had been. MR M used to be a very strong and confident man and a leader for everyone around him. Apparently Mr M couldnt manage his work, house and his parent's needs without Mrs M to help. She said that now he didnt know how to do anything and wasn't working anymore. Just using up the money he had earned in the US. Mrs M in the meantime has moved into an apartment in a new city, made friends, moved her mom in with her and is living and working in the US. Mrs M is living a happy, content life (This was said with anger and hatred by Mrs L).

    According to Mrs L, Mrs M did not want to live with her aged in laws and care for them. Mr M had been a good father, a good provider and was not abusive in anyway to Mrs M. Mr M tried to tell Mrs M that he will send his parents back to India but she was not interested. Mrs M said that MR M had done whatever he wanted for the last 25 years while she struggled and she now wanted to enjoy her life. We don't know Mrs M's viewpoint in all this since my mom only knows Mrs L.

    My mom's perspective: Mrs M is a selfish woman. How can anyone leave after 25 years of marriage? Taking care of Mr & Mrs L is a requirement for Mr & Mrs M because Mr & Mrs L have raised Mr M well and not been abusive to Mrs M (we don't know this but my mom says they are 'good' people). Because Mr M did not physically abuse his wife, she should not divorce him. Its selfish of Mrs M to want to be free when he husband needs her. Men need their wives more and more as they grow older because they become more dependent. And its cruel to abandon men after they are 50 because they cant manage by themselves. My mom says because Mr M now says sorry and he wont force Mrs M take care of his parents anymore, Mrs M should forget everything that has happened in the past 25 years and live with Mr M.

    My perspective: If it is Mrs M's job to care for her husband when he is older wasn't it Mr M's job to care for Mrs M when they were younger and she was struggling with a job, young kids and house maintenance? Instead he added taking care of his old parents to Mrs M's workload. Clearly he couldn't do it because after Mrs M left, he quit his job and moved back to India and now his old parents are once again taking care of him! Why is Mrs M not allowed any time in her life when she is happy. Mr M has been happy for the first 25 years of marriage because he got whatever he wanted. From my mom's description, I think Mr M is very arrogant and bossy and while he wasn't physically abusive its highly likely he bullied his wife into doing all the work and taking care of his parents. Is not being abused the bar for happiness in a marriage - your husband and ILs dont abuse you so you have a good marriage !!! Why cant Mrs M have a turn at being happy the way she wants to be? Sometime just saying sorry and I will change in the future isn't good enough. Is it the woman's job to slave away all through her life keeping the people around her happy. Whose job is it to make the woman happy? Clearly Mrs M has sacrificed a lot in her marriage to provide a home for her children. It looks like she was just waiting for her kids to go to college so she could live her life. If Mr M had shown her love and affection she may have had reason to stay but if he was using her as unpaid helper why should she stay committed to the marriage. Is the institution of marriage so sacred that women have to sign up to a lifetime of unhappiness just to preserve their marriage?

    What do you think?
     
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  2. rgz

    rgz Silver IL'ite

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    Its all wonderful to sit in judgement of others, its a good timepass for any of us. We dont know unless we know the very detail story from both sides.
    In absence of that, lets live our lives right and fair - to the best we can. Rather not pontificate when we dont know the detail level info of both sides. We hear partial version only.
     
  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Lot of women suffer under emotional torture by husband and in laws. They can't leave when kids are small so they wait. It's phrase every dog has his day. Lot of in laws hurt daughter in law initial years and she take revenge when they are old. Nothing new. Mrs M deserves to be free and she did right by taking care of her old mother. If Mr M had treated her well during initial years she would have taken care of all.
     
  4. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    Indian husband's and in laws don't understand how much women get exhausted taking care of small kids, housework, their own career, health, Harmons issues etc. They treat wife and dil like machine. Mr and Mrs M story is common trend for our generation. Mr and Mrs l needed lesson like this. No women will divorce unless she was neglected and suffered. Apparently Mr M will marry another needy girl so they get free maid to serve old in laws.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    When Mrs. M can move on, work and manage house, why can't Mr. M do the same? YouTube has how-to videos on pretty much everything.

    My opinion: good for Mrs. M. Hope the kids took it well and are in touch with both parents.
     
  6. Mina7

    Mina7 New IL'ite

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    Who knows what happened in the marriage for real

    Everyone blames the other person and never realizes what they did wrong
     
  7. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    Maybe the problem was that Mr.M needed to be "taken care of". A fully grown adult needs to take care of himself/herself. They are their own responsibility. And coming to old parents, well - Mrs.M is taking care of her mom. Why cant Mr.M do the same? But like most posters said, we know only half the story. But listening to this version, Mrs.M is a kick-a** strong lady. Kudos to her.
     
    hermitcrab, Nylaa, Patientone and 6 others like this.
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    In any divorce you have his side, her side and the truth. For whatever reason Mrs. M felt inadequately done by. She decided to make a clean break and start over. Mr. M needs to do the same.
     
    Nylaa, Lalithambigai, shravs3 and 2 others like this.
  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    We dont know the inside dramas , but its very clear that Mrs M was very unhappy in their marriage and she stayed because of kids. Now she is not ready to waste rest of her life , living for others. Good for Mrs M. Happy to know that she has moved on with her life. Its her life; she can decide what she wants.

    I know at least a few women who dream of leaving their emotionally abusive marriage ( but looks perfect from outside) after their kids leave to college. But most of them dont have the courage due to fear of unknown. May be there are men too, contemplating similar divorce once kids move out. Both women and men can be in this situation. Its getting common now a days-staying for kids and divorce once they move out.

    "Mrs M was not happy about this but she couldn't say no because Mr M thought it was his responsibility to care for his parents" -this speaks a lot.

    "Men need their wives more and more as they grow older because they become more dependent. |And its cruel to abandon men after they are 50 because they cant manage by themselves" - Men should remember it very well right from the start of marriage. Even women too, they should take care of their health, finance and other things needed to lead an independent life.

    "Mr M is very arrogant and bossy and while he wasn't physically abusive its highly likely he bullied his wife into doing all the work and taking care of his parents" - its called emotionally abusive situation.

    "Mr M now says sorry and he wont force Mrs M take care of his parents anymore" - This sorry means a lot, but he was too late. He could have supported Mrs M and said sorry whenever it was needed in the past. Many men take their wife for granted and join PILS to torture them (not physically), not sure this happened here too.

    "Mrs M in the meantime has moved into an apartment in a new city, made friends, moved her mom in with her and is living and working in the US. Mrs M is living a happy, content life (This was said with anger and hatred by Mrs L)."

    Mr: M can do the same :). He can hire any number of help if needed. He is not a kid. Dont know why he moved back to India.

    I think, it take serious and strong reason for any women ( especially traditional Indian woman) to take this decision after 25 years of marriage. She might have thought about it well and took this life changing decision. There can be both versions -merits or mistakes on both sides- but for Mrs. M, this marriage was over.

    Good luck to both of them.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2019
  10. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Everyone watches out for their own happiness. Nothing wrong with that.
    The senior L’s did that by living with their son . Mr.M did that by living with his parents. Mrs.M is now doing that by living her life the way she wants to.
    No one should be judging anyone here.

    40’s is a strange time in life . I know , I am there. What people call a mid-life crisis is actually a realization that one has not lived their life the way they should and it’s high time to live it up.
     

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