My In-laws Didn't Bought Me Any Cloths Before Marriage

Are you saying you haven't seen this in real life? There are quite a good number of threads here in IL to support my statement aka your conclusion. IL falls under media too.

Yes there are. Atleast in that aspect men and women are equal.

I disagree with you on the spending more or less equally part. Why do a lot of women who are financially well secure also worry when their husbands pay for their parents or siblings? Why do they worry when husband doesn't buy things for them? How many men complain that their women don't spend on them? That will be a very disproportionate result.
Some guys find it insulting if the girl spends, but that is not a common occurrence.

Even falling in love comes after how the partner looks, what he/she owns, even at times based on caste/religion. The most romantic couples breakup after family intervenes and projects/exaggerates all the money related issues.
Ok, if a girl is trying to secure her future and she cannot be blamed for looking at a guy's financial status, why is it wrong for a guy to do so? Can it mean that the guy can also ask her for gifts, ask her to buy stuff for him, ask her not to spend on her parents/siblings after marriage?

Yes, they are core factors in arranged marriages. Even in love marriages. But looking at people as such beyond their status is a very important aspect for a successful marriage. Every money matter should not always be linked to how the in laws are or how the DIL and SIL are. Spending/buying capacity is only a part of a person. It cannot be the only reason to begin or end a marriage.

One more area where women and men are equal. Equally wrong.

Yes, they are everywhere.
Show of power - controlling husband's finances even though the girl did not play a role in his career or his education, demanding a 6/7 figure salary with citizenship abroad, drop of the hat threatening men that they will be charged with a case. These are typical examples. This comes from well-educated(!), women in good jobs earning almost the same as the man. Who cares about how insecure a man can be? The man must be the only one who makes the woman secure. That is the unsaid and unwritten rule.

Ri,
Mistakes are done by both men and women. We can talk all day about who does it more or who does it less. Even the richest,royal marriages have some friction or the other. There will always be someone who is dissatisfied. When the guy and the girl share the same principles and values, nothing can be a barrier to their married life. Discrimination against women can be overcome only when both genders stand together and for each other. Not by discriminating against men. JMHO.

 

between this modernization and traditional view, there are woman who have become modern, than there are one who are still stuck with traditions...now patriarchal people squeezing most benefits on the way...

with modern woman they throw traditions on her face and with woman who are going with traditions, modern views and demand for equality are thrown on her face...

Money: modern woman demand equality, earn your own money, dont expect even any gift from husband or inlaws.
Household work: dont you know its woman forte?? i can only help you, but main responsibility is yours. And many will not help even. You should make your man feel special by cooking exotic things for her.

Expectations from Inlaws: dont expect anything from them, even basic things , become an independent woman.
Seva for Inlaws: They are your family now, its your duty only to do things for them.

Spending on woman parents: I cant spend on your parents, you earn yourself and spend yourself.
Cooking for man parents: you have to do it, they are your family.

so things boils down to, woman should earn her own money, in addition to household chores , kids responsibility etc. While inlaws are her family and she should live with them jointly while cooking and cleaning for them, god forbid, dont expect anything from them, this is not equality or fair only, be independent.
her husband will spend his earning on his parents luxuries, as equal woman earn her own money she will save for her and herkids. and god forbid if she want to spend on her parents, after lot of fights and insults from husband and inlaws she can spend peanuts....
this is called as equality or more unequality???

So an equal woman will bring money , put food on the table, bring up the kids, do seva for inlaws, while expecting nothing in return...what man will do??? spend his earning on his parents, after all he had been given birth for this purpose only.

 

when even in the this era where people supports that dowry is not so bad as daughters get their rightful share in property in parents time only, people love to support that DIL should live jointly with them, then not want to spend even on clothes for their DIL....those kind of PILs are really cheap, and its the powerplay by them only, not by woman....they want to squeez more n more profit from their son marriage....where they should only get, not to spend...

 

Even in girl's career , man or his parents had no role, but they also control her finances and her inlaws get more benefited by her salary than her parents....
me n my husband both have united finances,under control of both of us, though we both have educated by our respective parents only. This is not control, this is doing financial planning together.
My father never controlled anybody finances or salary neither mine(even before marriage) nor his son. as he didnt believe in educating his children for getting benefited himself.

How about an ugly man getting a beautiful woman, because of his 6 figures salary???

what about so many women getting abused physically and mentally??

 

I have encountered this line by my MIL. Although I wasn't sent empty handed. All my jewels were just not in my MIL's hand. This statement sounded and still rings of cheapness. It's not that my mother should or will give it to me. Anything given by my mom is 100 time more precious to me.. but making it sound cheap because MIL doesn't get to control it is so small minded of her.

I later analyzed why my MIL would say things like this-- Didn't take long.. Its just that my MIL is still a bit unsettled that I come from a bit wealthy family than her son and my MIL's (own family) has always prided herself that she comes from a wealthy family and married to a humble family.

Even though the girl family doesn't count financial status as a big thing-- the MIL may be feeling a bit insecurity and may be showing it in the early stages of buying cheap stuff to make sure the DIL gets to know her place.

This is worse than openly asking dowry. This is like "oh! you are used to better things, why don't you bring in the cake and share it too".
Theses people will never give nor will understand the value of sharing.

 

Dear Neha,

First off, I hope this isn't your real name — it could be awkward if your fiancé or his family read this. If it is, I suggest you request Admin to change your username.

Something about this guy is seriously bothering you. Don't ignore or suppress your feelings. Think things through carefully and talk it over with your family. It is better to end a relationship at this stage than to sign on for a lifetime of unhappiness.

Your fiancé didn't give you a birthday gift. You are right to be upset about this.

This was a nice thing for you to say. He should have brought you a gift anyway. Did he ever explain why he didn't? What did your family say when he showed up empty-handed?

You were upset because he didn't want to pick you up for your wedding photo shoot. This incident seems odd to me. A young man should want to jump on every available excuse to spend as much time with his fiancée as possible. Why didn't he want to pick you up? Is he simply a practical guy who isn't romantic enough for you? Did his mom tell him not to pick you up?

The two of you are simply not on the same page. You expect him to be chivalrous and pick you up. He's being practical and expecting you to be independent.

About the lack of shagun ... I understand your feelings: It's not just about the clothes themselves, it's about the broken promises. You feel he didn't value you enough to pick you up for the photo shoot. And you are equating the cheap gift as a measure of how little your in-laws value you.

I, too, see a lot of red flags. Take some time to think about this relationship. Do you really like this guy? Does he meet your expectations in a husband? Do you like someone else better? Are you happy?

There seems to be some economic disparity between the two of you. You demand a lehenga, he says it's expensive. You have a car, he travels by Metro. The gifts from your ILs don't meet your expectations. Do you have a right to feel the way you do when we have outlawed dahej and other monetary demands? "Right" and "wrong" are irrelevant — the only measure of a relationship is the happiness you bring to each other.

You can't make your fiancé and future in-laws treat you differently. The big question is: Can you change your expectations? If you can't, then walk away. Staying in a relationship where you are already feeling insulted and unhappy will lead to a lifetime of tears and anger for everyone involved.

What does your family say about these issues? And is this a love/arranged marriage? To what extent are your respective families involved?

I hope things work out for you. This should be the happiest time of your life. You should be laughing and building beautiful memories together, not worrying about egos, ILs and lena dena.

Good luck, @nehakapil78. I hope you make the choices that are best for you.

 

Imagine if this post is of DIl who wrote my MIL said the saree gifted by my family was cheap ... The slew of responses would be to call the MIL greedy and advising the DIL to never ever get a gift for such greedy people ..

OP ,
Do you have a job ? if not please start working immediately because looks like your tastes and expectations are not being fulfilled ,it is better you have own income and spend as you wish , by the way did you discuss your living arrangements post marriage ?

 

cg,
You are correct. When either parties did not play a role in the other's education or career, what gives them a sense of entitlement over what they accumulated? The girl should refuse to her inlaws and partner's obligations and so should the guy.

It is good if the financial planning happens together based on mutually discussing and agreeing to each other's views without any of the in-laws involved.

For men its tall,dark and handsome. For women its fair,slim and beautiful. Equally unfair and wrong for both genders to have any kind of expectations based on looks,money or anything that does not define the person as such.

Had it been a post that talked about abuse of any form, all opinions given will be the same. To raise against the abuse and do something about it.

 

Come on... This is your problem @coolgal123. You cherry pick the sentences what you want to read.
My case is very open in this forum, and read all the threads if you want to have an idea about my life.

I married against her wish, as she did not like the choice of my marriage (Inter-religious). But that was not the reason for gifting nothing on my marriage.
The wedding happened with her blessings, and she participated in the marriage wholeheartedly because we waited for 5 long years to get both parents approval.
Just that, I was against dowry system, and said no to any exchanges as this. My mom did not arrange this marriage, so she did not have a say here.
She regrets for this, as she believes "NO DOWRY" was the prime reason for my initial marital problems with in laws. But I don't believe in that.
She always wanted to give my shares when she divided our properties during my sister's and bro's wedding. But I refused to accept anything, rather requested my mom to retain my shares under her name as her old age security.
Obviously, my PILs are against this decision; hence the problems.
Where did you get this info that I did not get anything from my parents because it was my mom's anger behind not gifting anything?????

I repeat... Gift is gift. Please see this from that perspective.

This is my question too. When I shared a few real life cases of my INDIAN friends and family members, the forum has almost said that I DO NOT KNOW THE SYSTEM IN INDIA, ALTHOUGH I THINK I KNOW IT. It silenced me.

Oh, This is exactly the same in my case too.
She was from a rich background, and brought so much as dowry when she entered to the not-so-rich household of my FIL. She is supper proud about this, and always blabber this with others.
I was very very richer than her and her FOO. But I refused to bring anything with me, as I believed in myself and my H stood by my decision.
We both started our life from the scratch. Now that we have almost everything to call ourselves rich. But we are proud that these wealth is ours.
This is what bothers my MIL.

This is what I call double standard.
We want the society to change as per our convenience only.
I remember one of our forum member still lament about an incident when her MIL insulted a dress gifted by her parents during her marriage, calling it to be cheap quality.
In fact, it was a cheap behavior of the MIL, and all the forum members sided with the poster; thus bashed the MIL.
But we turn double standard when a DIL comes here to complain a dress that her MIL gifted. Again the bashing is on the MIL for being cheap to gift something cheap.

 

you consider other's personal case irrelevant as it was not matching with your opinion, and then present your personal case ....which ofcourse you think is very much relevant.

after that instead of giving constructive argument, you tell what my problem is and accuse me of cherry picking statements. I can hear you very well now....hum hum hai baaki sab paani kam hai....(i am the one who knows it all and others are having problems....)...

Thanks for you time @SGBV.