Your relationship with your parents after marriage

saheli08 · Aug 14, 2008

I do discuss most things that bother me with my Dad, I need his support and advice.
He does not get bothered by it rather we talk about it and he tells me how best to handle the situation, most of the times its just to share my feelings to ligten my heart..

asharvi67 · Aug 16, 2008

Hi Cindhuja,

I felt as though am reading my thoughts in your post
Exactly... i never share anything bad comments with my parents.

Good ones of course yes... it really boosts the relationship!

Yes!!! u r right our aged parents are thousands of miles away from us and I never want to create any worries for them from my end...

Cheers,
Ashwini

MELISSA · Aug 26, 2008

i have talked to my parents about my in laws and nothing good come out of it all it did was give my parents reason to not like them .

mikepiker · Dec 15, 2009

Below advise has some christian Beliefs and Bible Quotes but this explains well --

<link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5Cmiftah%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5Cmiftah%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5Cmiftah%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><style>  </style> God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “cleaving” to one’s mate. Marriage involves a change of allegiance. Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to one’s parents, but after marriage allegiance shifts to one’s mate.
It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.
What does this principle mean in the practical realm? I believe that it suggests separate living arrangements for the newly married couple. While living with parents, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. The dependency on parents is enhanced as long as they live with parents.
Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.

By "leaving the parents'" does not mean deserting your parents!!! If you do that then you are setting yourself up for same treatment by your kids --- You should keep in touch and help your parents, and if parents do not like the Son in law then it is your your responsibility to clearly state that, Look Mom & Dad I love you but if you don't like my husband then it is your problem, and I love your husband! and the husband should clarify with their parents the same way.

Sounds easy in words but difficult is a small word that even begins to define the problem..

Good luck to all -- My Advice -- Choose your priority!!! If you love your parents more than your spouse you should not have gotten married in the first place!!! If you love your parents and spouse with different set of priorities then you are heading in the right direction!!!

aparnag · Dec 15, 2009

in fact i have become closr to them after marriage.

sathyanjali · Dec 15, 2009

A BIG NO. I dont share any of the comments passed by PILs.
But my SIL passes hurtful comments in front of my parents. It is no big deal for her. She just wants to prove that she is the most powerful person on ILs side. So she herself spoils her image

Malyatha · Dec 16, 2009

sandu said: ↑

Hi everyone.
I want to know how open and frank people are to their parents after marriage. What you think about discussing the issues that you face in your in-laws house, with your parents. Do you tell them the bad comments that your mil/fil/husband made on your people? Do you tell them the comments they make on you? If so, to what extent?
Sandhya
Click to expand...

Nice poll, Sandhya.

My answer is NONE. I have learned that parents have very long memories and even the little pinches that their daughters feel at someone else's hands hurt them big-time. Second of all, no one is perfect. My MIL may have her flaws but my mother is not perfect herself. So, for these reasons, I keep my mouth tightly shut and do not share anything but the good stuff about my in-laws - such as their charitable activities etc - with my FOO.

As of now, thanks to my diplomacy and discretion, my FOO and in-laws BOTH believe that the other is an angel from Heaven!!! Works just perfect for me, Sandu! :cheers

AND I'm happy to keep up that charade because I know it warms my own parents' hearts and keep the relationship between my FOO and my in-laws very cordial and pleasant. Isn't that we want at the end of the day - to keep our parents happy, keep our extended families on good terms with each other, and to prevent unnecessary worry or hurt to our parents about how we are faring at our in-laws' place?

Pavarun · Dec 16, 2009

As a matter of principle DH and me both never share any of our disagreements with either sets of parents. It is something we've practised from the time of marriage and it has served me very well. Likewise I do not share anything unnecessary about ILs with parents (actually this doen't apply that much, since they are nice people and would not make any hurtful remarks).

Like Malyatha said, I too remember reading somewhere long ago that if you discuss your spouse's hurtful comments with parents (maybe uttered in the heat of the moment), you may forgive the spouse and move on but your parents will never be able to forgive.

Cool1 · Dec 16, 2009

I discuss most of the things with my mom.Both good and bad.My mom always gives me an unbiased suggestion.Both of us know each other's nature well..So it works fine...Any bad comments passed against my parents, I handle those comments myself..Though I update my mom later. She seems to be glad that I dont take any wrong words from anyone.As long as I am not cribbing but only updating her,then its OK.I never tell my DH anything.Its between me and my mom.

ShilpaMa · Dec 16, 2009

Sandhu.. Is it possible to have one more option in poll:
4) Initially shared nothing untill ILs dragged parents with threats of dire consequences in 3rd yr of marriage.

In my case I was a v secritive person throughout my life to parents & frndz.. dealing with my ups n downs & emotions myself... nothing shared to friends too in fear of being ridiculed.
Prior to marriage my dad used to call me at hostel to keep a simple track on me & post marriage my mom did that.. however I never disclosed to her abu anything sad/ medical issues/ any plans on journey/ purchases etc etc.. it used to me a 5 -10 mins call of hi n bye.. if all was well healthwise & how my contacts were from previous life & my office life.

Then all of a sudden they recieved a horror/ acid call from my MIL & I had to turn into an open book for all... I had to promise to recite daily events of my life henceforth....... which I hated for a while but then realised that they were the only support mechanism left for me given that DH turned totally against me & I now feel closer & closer to them. :thumbsup

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Your relationship with your parents after marriage

Do you share the bad comments made by your in laws and husband with your parents?

Of course, each and every thing.

Only those that wouldn't create a big misunderstanding.

None of them.

saheli08 New IL'ite

asharvi67 New IL'ite

MELISSA New IL'ite

mikepiker New IL'ite

aparnag Platinum IL'ite

sathyanjali Senior IL'ite

Malyatha Gold IL'ite

Pavarun Silver IL'ite

Cool1 New IL'ite

ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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