Your reasons to make such a decision....if it ever be...

I was sitting in my backyard this morning, having my morning coffee while enjoying the warmth of the early morning sunrays in the winter. It has been quite a while we moved to India and settled down here. We lived in US for quite a long time and always wished to finally move back one day and so we did.

Now, this is exactly what a friend of mine and her dh wished to do and we always used to talk about our plans and they would share theirs too.
This morning she called me and said they finally decided they would not move to India and settle in US. I was a bit confused since they as couple were more inclined towards home country than us and while we were leaving they said they would join us shortly and expressed their happiness for trying to make our wishes come true.

I asked her "May I ask you what is the reason for you to take such a decision when all the while you were the ones who longed to go back?"

She said...."I have had enough with inlaws during my last visit to India and I fear my life will be a living hell if I ever move closer to them and hence now I wish to live as far as possible from them".

I asked "What about your dh?, does he also think the same as you?"

She said "NO! he did not earlier but after our last visit he said it is quite impossible for inlaws and me to get along and to save the peace of the family he too thinks that way. He says ocassional visits is all we will do from now onwards like once a year or so and thats all".

I said "Hey! are they that bad?, think about how you wished to live closer to your parents too? Can you live that far from them when all the time you longed to be closer to your parents in their old age? Think again!!"

But all she said is " Yeah, I have thought over it and we have taken a final decision. I feel very bad for my parents that I am not able to be closer to them at this age but I will make every effort to visit them often and thats all I can do to keep myself peaceful".

To be honest, I felt sad for her. I could understand how hard it was for her to make such a decision since she was always longing to be close to her parents atleast.

Ilites, how many of you are like her? And, do you think being far will solve your problems? It may save some heartaches for sure but at a huge cost (being away from your own parents).

OK my side first..... Yeah, even I have some issues with inlaws and so we planned to live accordingly. Now, we dont live under one roof but we live at a comfortable distance. Somehow at some point of time we planned to return back and so we did and we anticipated issues so we set ourself to live a little distance from either parents. We are so far free from issues though some are unavoidable ones but we know we can deal with them. Whenever I feel frustrated seeing my inlaws rude and unreasonable behavior I try to think how lucky I am that I am at such a comfortable distance from my own parents and divert my mind towards them. That helps me.
Thankfully my dh is very understanding and a most practical guy who gives me the needed support.

 

SriVidya, My purpose of starting this thread is to know from Ilites what are their reasons to make such a decision....the decision to live closer or away from parents/inlaws.
And when I put up this in relationship with inlaws section I totally mean to say if at all the reasons for taking such a decision have anything to do with their relationship with inlaws or not.
Is there any chance some ilites have taken this decison entirely based on their relationship with inlaws.

OK I really did not mean and urge other ilites too not to judge any decision taken by anyone because I can totally understand (hope everyone here does too) that each one makes a decision based on their circumstances and others have no right to judge that.

So, lets leave the judging part and please come up with your decison and the reason only.

 

I used to miss my parents and dh would miss his parents while we were away. I enjoyed each and every day of my entire decade of US life and have absolutely no complaints but all I wanted was my parents somewhere nearby. Though now I dont live with them in the same house and neither does dh with his parents but we feel happy we are at a comfortable distance and can run to see them when we feel like.

Dont worry and feel disappointed Mehana, life will not always be the same. Your dh may change his decision down the line...who knows? Be optimistic and dont forget to enjoy your present.....that is more important than worrying about your future. If you ever settle away, you can always plan to visit your people once a year or so and keep in touch through phone and video chats. I would talk to my parents every single day when I was away and that pacified me a lot.

My dh is not biased and does not take side unreasonably. He will support me if I am right. If he were a person who would succumb to pressures from his side then I would never dream of returning. You are right! We need to first save our sanity and if at all getting closer is a threat to that then better stay away. For all that to happen, ie., getting closer but staying happy, dh support is highly needed.

psych, As I already said, I have no complaints with USA or Singapore (both places where I lived for pretty long time) Infact, there are lot of benefits and I thoroughly enjoyed all my stay. Not a single day I cribbed staying in foreign land. But for me, my wish was always to get closer to my parents at their old age. Same for dh.
Yes, we have kids and we consider the place where both parents of those kids, ie., dh and I, live in harmony is the best place for them. I dont say India is 'the best' place or USA is 'the ultimate' place for my kids. According to me wherever the parents of the kids live and provide the needed for them, that is 'the home' for those kids.

You are right! To each their own. Prorities are different and hence the decison.
Even my inlaws expected we live in joint family. Dh and I totally are against that and so we purchased an apartment at a comfortable distance from either of the parents and live independently. Initially, there was huge pressure from, you know whom?, believe me!, BIL (who lives in US) and SIL(who lives in Singapore) that since we moved back we now need to live with inlaws as they both are settled abroad.
But, my dh put his foot down on this interference and said 'thanks for you suggestions and I will do what is convenient for us(dh and I)'.
That set them right and they never commented upfront about where we lived though I know they speak behind our back.
Now, we visit inlaws and my parents when we wish or when they need us but we dont feel pressured. I give all that credit to my dh. If he was to succumb then life would have been not that easy for me though I wished to live nearer to my mom and dad always I would have felt happy living thousands of miles apart than facing daily dramas.

Agree with you spiderman 100%. I personally feel that wherever both mom and dad are happy and can provide a decent living for kids that is the perfect place for kids to grow up, be it America, Africa, India or Timbaktu!!


Ilites, those who have not yet participated.....:hiya........pls pls spring into action!!...I am all ears and eyes for your responses...:coffee