Would you as in-laws ever be jealous of your child's and spouse's success?

shari2003 · Feb 28, 2014

Hi all,

At present, my relationship with in-laws is very, very formal. I do not share any personal opinions/ suggestions/ talks/ details with them anymore, though we stay in the same city. DH partly shares info here and there during his weekly call with his mom (he is in a different country). But, I have enough freedom to share whatever I feel like about in-laws to him, though we rarely discuss them these days.

The root cause of how my relationship with in-laws (MIL and then SIL) deteriorated is their jealousy. DH and me were at a not-so-good situation financially and otherwise when we were married 10 years back, and slowly our situations improved through our hard work into something much better than DH's siblings (bro and sis). From then, MIL and SIL have been hell-bound on breaking our relationship and what not. Now, DH also understands their real intentions, though he does not openly admit anything to me.

So, my question is can parents ever be jealous of their children's growth at any point in time, even if one of the kids is doing better than his/her siblings? As a parent can anyone ever think of ways to stop your kid's growth in any way? I do agree that there might be small misgivings, but, would you ever think of ways to harm your kids?

indoc · Feb 28, 2014

Its not jealousy.. but more to do with the disappointment of their other children not achieving success in life..
My parents too faced this same situation.. initially they felt bad, now they just simply ignore.

shari2003 · Feb 28, 2014

Hi Indoc,

In my case, its pure jealousy! My BIL is also a professional like my DH, only that he was not too interested/ involved/ keen in his profession like DH or me. My co-sis also was working, but, she resigned her job because she could not get along with her supervisor who was a bossy lady. My SIL always wanted to be a home-maker and she is one. She is married to a someone who has been working in the US for around 10 years now. The issues with me and DH started when DH got a better position in career than his BIL (sis's husband). It also seems that some astrologer told MIL that kids born to my Dh would fair better than her other grand kids, and from then she has been rude to my LO as well.

HasteRaho · Mar 3, 2014

I don't think most loving, caring parents would ever be jealous of their child's success especially in India. They live through their children so much and take so much pride in their children's success…at least that's what I've seen mostly.

Maybe thinking like a parent might offer some insight.

His parents have worked hard and made a lot of sacrifices to raise their 3 kids. They probably did their best to make sure each kid had equal amounts of everything…love, attention, education, etc… and often it was in the parents' control to be able to level the playing field for the most part.

Now things have changed.

All three are married and now left to your own resources and merits to do what you can and raise families of your own. The parents no longer have that same level of control. While your PIL should be proud that you and your DH are doing well, maybe this causes strain to the other two siblings and the PIL are either aware of that stress they have or they want to come across as not being "overly" favorable towards you/our family because it contributes to the tension. Of course, they're may also somewhat disappointed in their own children because maybe they are not as driven or motivated to improve their economic success on their own merits as you and your DH have been. Hopefully they're happy and content with where they're at but either way it's not really your concern.

It sounds like your PIL don't really know how to deal with their lack of control over their son and in the situation of their children being in different economic standings now…especially if they're is any tension from other siblings and that your family has grown to be a bit more independent (and successful). Also, keep in mind that most parents are not as willing to credit their childrens' spouse as having a hand in helping their child be successful (especially if it's the woman) because somehow, it takes away from the limelight of their own child or suggests that their own child was not good enough to do it all on their own.

I don't know if you want to continue playing it safe with the few/far between formal conversations you have or whether you desire to change anything about the relationship with your PIL but that's entirely up to do you depending on your appetite for how much you want to take on. Just be happy and content with your family and what you guys have been able to accomplish through hard work. Let all the other pieces (pieces being referred to his family) fall where they may.