Worried about Wife's reaction to Job Loss of Dear Husband :( :(

dhruva19 · Apr 28, 2014

Dear ILites,

I am married[NO dowry in our marriage] for 10 years with 2 kids. 9 year old son and 2 months old daughter. I am now working as Head of IT department in a small Engineering firm since last 6 months[excellent pay and excellent job satisfaction in mumbai ]. Wife is BSc graduate and a SAHM[Life is going as smooth as it could ever be and I am happy for my Happy married life and I owe it to my Dear Wife]. When I married her 10 years ago it was my dream that I should build a small family of mine. I had been a book worm all my life and after getting into a JOB and after getting married I have some time with me to look back with introspection. I consider myself fairly successful as I started with zero money on day 1 of my career and today after 18 years have a loving family , good savings and a bright future to look forward to.

Since we had an arranged marriage i have to agree that initially our relationship was based on respecting each other more than LOVE for each other. So she was respected to what she brought to the relationship like homely skills and I got respect for the Job/money I brought to the relationship.

In the meanwhile, to my surprise my In-Laws have grown more wealthier compared to my family side by leaps and bounds in the last 10 years[actually i did not expect this meteoric rise in wealth by my In-Laws]. This is worrying me because I have far less assets compared to what my WIFE's family is worth today. I am proud that I have such wealthy in-Laws but sometimes I don't like the methods used by them to make that kind of money. I have a good relationship with my Father-in-Law and always give respect to him. 2 years back I lost my Mother-in-law due to heart attack. I was amazed how quickly my wife recovered from her loss. After 3 months only she pushed me for the second child and now she is happy with our 2 months old daughter.

Now coming to the issue I have which is troubling my mind. Somewhere during the 7th year of our marriage I lost my JOB due to certain ego issues I had in my work area and partly to my strong moral beliefs. Now I have realized how wrong I was to hold on to my moral beliefs in a work environment. But that is history and I have learnt my lesson from that experience and I am sure I will never be kicked out of any job in future[also immediately got another JOB within 15 days].

But the surprising thing I observed in my Dear Wife's behaviour was when I first disclosed this news to my Dear Wife, she could not believe the news for whole evening and her reaction was like somebody had died in our family and we were mourning the death of a dear family member. I just could not understand her reaction to the news that I just got my pink slip today evening. She was sobbing to herself and never ever thought about me as also someone who is under tremendous pressure/loss and that I also needed some mental support. I would have liked if my Dear Wife consoled me that you are bright Engineer and I am confident that you will do well in future. Instead all she did was cry and sulk to herself in self pity.

I come from a dysfunctional family to begin with. So I was already quite strong mentally and really did not expect my wife to mentally support me. But it still bothers me that she did not find it necessary to show her TRUE LOVE to me by uplifting my spirits. From this incident i am unable to understand the psychology behind that reaction[ Now I have started to believe that it takes a tragedy to truly understand our beloved ones]. I felt that evening I was truly a LONELY person on this planet, if I did not have a JOB in my hand. I am defined/measured first by the JOB/CAREER I have and next comes my roles as a Loving Husband, doting Father , caring Brother etc.

I would really like to believe my Dear Wife truly Loves me as a Human being with emotions and not the person who just has a JOB in his hand. But sometimes I feel my Wife will Love me or Stay with me as long as I shall have a steady JOB / MONEY and may resent me or Leave me if I ever loose my JOB / MONEY.

Am I making the right conclusions Ladies ? If I am wrong please guide me how I should rationalize my thoughts.

yellowmango · Apr 29, 2014

Totally understand what you feel.But you have to remember that everyone is different. You are a strong person and what that incident showed is that your wife is not very strong. While it is not a good trait...it is forgivable,unless her reaction also resulted in saying negative hurtful things.

She probably is also insecure because she is herself dependent financially on you .She probably felt helpless about the children also.

If it bothers you so much....tell her in a calm way how you feel about that incident. Don't keep it in or you will become resentful.Hope she realizes the hurt she caused you and makes up for it.

peartree · Apr 29, 2014

Hi

I think you are over-thinking this. I think it is natural for any woman who is not the bread-winner in the family to worry when she sees that the livelihood is lost. Yes, you did get a job in 15 days, but did you have one at that point, when you got the pink slip? With a child probably in school, she must have been worried about how you guys were going to manage your expenses without the security of a monthly pay check. I can completely empathize with her. Between my husband and I, my husband has the more lucrative career and based on both our incomes, we have set the expectations for a certain life-style. Now if something were to happen to my husband's job tomorrow, I would definitely feel very shocked first and would need to gather myself before I can provide any support to my husband. That doesn't mean that I value him only for the money he makes or the comforts he is able to provide to me. You must also understand in reality, life is not like the Bollywood cinemas where the lovely couple beat all odds and emerge unscathed. Practical life has difficulties such as food you need to eat, children whose school fees needs to be paid and a host of other things. So of course, you wife's reaction amidst all these anxities was natural. I would in fact say, instead of thinking of her as someone who is only after your money, look at her as a human who is dependent upon you and strives to make a home for you and your kids.

Also, it appears that you have some kind of complex about your wife's family's wealth. You might not realize that, but you seem to somehow tie that your wife's reaction to her family's wealth and you have put yourself on this pedestal of moral superiority, as if you're above petty things such as money. Please do not have that attitude. Your wife's family wealth is of no significance in this scenario.

Also, about you commenting on your wife's reaction on her mother's passing away, you cannot define how much or what method of grieving is appropriate for someone. People mourn loss of loved ones in different ways. She probably thought that one distraction that might help her move on from her mother's loss was by bringing in another child and she did. So there is nothing wrong about this or it doesn't mean that your wife is shallow or anything.

droplet · Apr 29, 2014

I don't think if I face a similar situation I would reacted anything different than your wife.

All she did was cried for you the whole day, isn't that a sign of true love ?
she did not tell a single negative word to hurt your feelings, isn't that a sign of true love ?
If you feel that she will leave you when you are jobless, she would have left you behind when you were jobless for 15 days. Wasn't she by your side those days. Isn't that a sign of true love?
Did anyone else cried for your job loss ? It's not because she don't have true love but She didn't have words to console you.

Your expectations are agreeable, but did you uplift her spirits by giving her the courage? For this situation the uplifting of spirits must be mutual.

I feel you have some inferiority feeling thinking about the your il's status. Why did you Bring in stories of mil's death, no dowry marriage and il's wealth for your wife's reaction for your job loss. Why all these bothers you? How are these connected ?

You both love each other and you are blessed with a happy marriage and wonderful kids. Delete all these negative feelings from you. Share your feelings with each other. Give all your love to your wife and kids.

Enjoy life

troubledmom · Apr 29, 2014

100% agree with droplet. You have big complex about your il money plus you r suspecting wife unnecessarily. Think about it. She cried and said 'what will happen to us?' She did NOT say 'it is okay I will get money from daddy?' you r a very lucky man, with loving wife who thinks of you and your family as her family not her family of origin. instead of appreciating what all you r saying about mil death n all? why r you faulting her crying. In a crisis or tragedy, ppl react in different ways, some ppl become numb or shocked or stunned at the news, some ppl cry, some other ppl recover and console. What is there? I heard about ppl gossiping that the son is so hardhearted, doesnt care for his father because he did not cry at the dad funeral rites, instead he was shocked and numb while doing all the rituals. Your story is like that. Please! There are other things in life to worry about. This is really not a problem in your case, imo.

bhuvnidhi · Apr 29, 2014

To answer your qn: Based on your narration, your wife might not leave you when you are in trouble.She might crib, whine and feel irritated but she will not leave you.

Your wife must have worried about the family.It includes YOU,herself and children.I am guessing she would not have reacted the way she did if she was working.Atleast one member of the family would have kept things going on.Kids are the major factor here.It is very difficult to survive without a job and no proper balance when you have kids.

And , there is no point brooding over some hypothetical situation.Face it when it comes and handle it for your sake.Don't loose your peace over this.Always create a safe ground for your kids(family) at least till they become self reliant.

Nakshatra · Apr 29, 2014

HI,

I think it happens. when my husband lost job, even I cried for two days, it just came like that, then after talking to couple of friends we were confident that we will find another one soon, so then I started feeling better. It was not that he was not fit or not earning, I cant define what that was, but I remember I cried too and no I never thought of leaving him for that.

RADIODOC679 · Apr 29, 2014

I am in same boat from 2years-Suddenly my hubby lost job(company packed up just like that)& i was forced to work with loans,etc...mounting.Though iam earning 1/10 salary.We have downsized everything-except basic food,water we buy nothing.use public transport.no holidays,no movies,no visiting parents also sicne that money can pay some bills.I had no time to cry/mope as situation was such.Hoping evryday for some miracle.MAy god also give you peace of mind to tide over this situation.

SGBV · Apr 29, 2014

It is simply because your wife is a SAHM. If she was working then, she would have given you some lights of hopes, with caring filmy words. Because she is sure that her pay cheque would balance the family's needs, until you get back on track.

Here, she is simply your dependent, with two more additional dependents on her side. She can only cry and sulk for the whole day about this loss. What else can she do?

You said that you had a dysfunctional family background; hence you were so strong. The loss of your job didn't seem to be affected you that much, thus you moved on so quickly.
However, it can not be the same with everyone else. She might have grown up in a very caring family as a pet girl. Who knows? If someone who never faced such sudden twists in their entire life, would definitely find it very hard to face even tiniest loss.

She reacted because she thought you are not a different person, but a part of her. She found your loss as hers; hence cried. It is a sign of love. But definitely not a sign of independence or self control.

Other than that, your in laws' mode of income, your wife's apparent shallow affection towards her mom, and her reaction towards her loss and the other matters are simply shows how inferior you are now.

I heard somewhere that, if someone is suffering from inferiority complex, they would intentionally/unintentionally make things to show their superiority. Hence, they have a very fragile ego. You seems to be suffering with this.

Kindly ignore if it is not relevant to you.

indian78 · Apr 29, 2014

She found ur job loss problem as hers,so cried for the situation.Some ppl feels the responsiility .Even if they cant do much, they try their level best to support the person who is in loss.But some ppl all they do is crying,sulking even blame other person,make him more hurted.
Anyway, in mens life it seems now a days money plays vital role.