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Worried About Mother.

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SmilingGirl02, Aug 27, 2018.

  1. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    It is not DS or DIL issue , it has become solely MIL issue as she is the one slogging , rest taking a hike putting responsibilities on granny.

    even if mil will stay with.son in old age ,it does not mean she has to be a slave now.

    DS and DIL both need to show gratitude
     
  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    rihana

    did not want to quote entire post.

    It is quite normal to say my friends home, my sister's home, my brothers home. my moms home .

    not many people say my dad's home or my jijus home etc.

    they say it is maika not baapka :)
     
  3. SmilingGirl02

    SmilingGirl02 Senior IL'ite

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    Correction..As you are asking
    My brother helps in chores too. If mommy couldn't fold cloths at end of day, he is one who does it.
    He does all office cloths laundry (brother's and bhabhi's cloth) on weekend while mom takes care of every day laundry. Also fold it.
    If cleaning maid is late or didn't come, he helps mommy in cleaning floor as baby does crawling.
     
  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Conventional household. Mother told the son she needs help .Son needs to provide it however he seems fit. Help her himself,hire or ask wife to pitch in ideally a combination of all.
    Yes and here is my pet peeve
    We like to stay conventional whenever its convenient. 6 month post partum relief and grandparents to take care of kids but we are very modern in areas where its convenient for us 'I work in IT so I am very stressed after work. So both I and my spouse wont help around the house.

    Come now Rihana DIL knows whats going on. MIL is from a diff generation. She is choosing not to break the cycle. She knows there is work that needs to get done and MIL is facing the brunt of it. She is another woman too .Take responsibility for ur family. Get ur spouse to help, hire help whatever. True womens liberation/empowerment comes from taking charge and being fair. Finding excuses never takes us far.
     
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2018
    Shanvy, SunPa and Gauri03 like this.
  5. Jas82688

    Jas82688 Silver IL'ite

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    @SmilingGirl02 many gave you correct advices ..the way your brother and sil treating your mom not really good they are taking her for granted .. and your both bother and sil are acting smart .. kid is their responsibility .. They have to manage period.

    Taking care of infant is big task if a 30 years old can’t manage how can 60 years old can manage ..? Many ladies don’t have mil or mothers help they are working even in so called IT feild they cook clean n take care of their kids .. After pregnancy 6 mon period is good enough to get back to normal work if she can go to work she can do household chores too there is no reason for your parents to stay there keeping their health at risk.

    1. Parents help not needed they can go back to their native noting their knee pain ..then your bother and bhani will figure out what needs to be done

    2.If they decided to stay there still then they can ask your brother to hire nanny n cook. if they deny your parents have a good valid reason to leave the place .. again then your bhabi and brother will figure out how to manage ..

    So now ball is in your parents court they don’t need to be shy or hesitant to ask this help if they deny help leave the place .. your parents needs the week end break not brother bhani after all they are taking care of kid and Home ..
     
    SmilingGirl02 and NeetaR like this.
  6. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Your brother and Bhabhi are entitled couple . The baby is the parents responsibility . Working not working doesn't matter. Asking grandparents for help is a different thing compared to what your brother and Bhabhi are doing. They are taking advantage of your parents free help.What wud they do if your parents hadn't moved in. They wud have handled everything by themselves isn't it. Asking your parents to oversee the nanny , the cook and maid is lot different from making your parents nanny, cook and maid.

    Your brother is actively taking advantage or is being waylaid by your Bhabhi or is hopelessly in love with her to see her faults. Is he blind to see what his wife does. She cooks breakfast and goes.Wud she do it if she was without your parents.Taking care of a baby is tuff even to a mother. Your mother is not to taken for granted. Having a baby drains a young person's energy. Your mom has done her share with your brother and you. Grandkid is not her responsibility.

    The painless way to next step is your parents leaving to your native. No point asking your brother or Bhabhi anything . Just say they miss their friends and home and want to go. Your Bhabhi is not allowed to make faces at your parents given the situation . Letting off steam during weekend is fine. But will they leave their baby alone at home and let off steam. Definitely not. Its not understood your parents will take care of grandkid and home when brother and Bhabhi have their own life. Their own life includes being a parent to their kid too. Not go around like you are without a kid or living in a hotel. Let your brother spoil his wife by doing everything in the house. That shud not be your parents motive too. If she wants an easy life, she needs to step up do it or hire help. Not think MIL is there so no need. Your parents need to do the needful or continue with this . The baby will only get naughtier and naughtier. What then. Think and decide. Good Luck.
     
    Sunshine04, NeetaR and SmilingGirl02 like this.
  7. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    The blame lies with everyone here equally. The brother and SIL taking advantage of your old parents. Your parents for putting up with all this when they have their own home to go back to.
    I fail to understand why is everyone involved waiting for relationships to get worse. What are your bro and SIL going to say if your parents refuse to take care of the child because of bad health? They will hire help and manage somehow. Millions of parents do around the world.
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  8. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    True that mom is old and definitely she needs help.
    Here the OP’s brother and his wife doing a mistake !
    But expecting bhabi to do cooking for entire day may not be feasible. She cannot cook all 3 meals before she goes out for work as their parents may need some fresh food..
    I have seen when there is only couple they adjust by eating something which is simple . But when there are elders who may have some ailments too, so different food habits ..So DIL needs to cook so many varieties based on everyone’s needs.
    Everyone may not be able to do that due to long working hrs and if office is very far .
    So best is by hiring a cook and nanny
    and some free time for the old couple as well
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    My parents are staying right now with my brother and SIL and helping take care of their two little children under 4 years of age. Parents are older as my brother married late. Both are working in IT in a major city in India, so hectic lifestyle.
    The way it works is that there is a cook who comes in the morning and prepares lunch and dinner. My mom or SIL will make breakfast and afternoon snack. There is a maid for all other household duties such as cleaning, washing vessels and mom has also taught her to use the washing machine. If the maid has to take leave my brother will help. In addition, a lady comes to help with the kids: changing, feeding, etc and parents take rest when the kids nap.
    The moral of this Ram-kahani is that it is entirely unfair to put the job of looking after little children entirely on the grandparents. Even with these arrangements my mom will occasionally confess to me that she is feeling tired, but since everyone is trying their best to help it does not develop into full blown resentment.
    Your parents should not serve the role of unpaid servants. If your brother and SIL are not willing to spend to get them help then some shock treatment might be in order.
     
  10. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    Fully agree with this. Parents want to help (with their love, experience, and wisdom) doesn't mean they should be exploited to the hilt. And that seems to be the case here.

    Your reference of 'older parents' resonated with me as we also will be first time parents in 5 weeks. My wife and I married early but weren't blessed till this year. So at 37, every parenting trick will be new to us but we are hoping to give our best without parents' help. Hope we succeed.

    @MalStrom, Unrelated to here, but I find most your posts as very mature and to the point always. You have a knack of conveying the point without bruising anyone. That is an art and a nice quality to have.
     
    SmilingGirl02, SunPa and MalStrom like this.

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