1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Work-life Imbalance.... And How To Handle

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Mar 7, 2020.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,252
    Likes Received:
    10,296
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Friends

    I am back here with another serious matter, that I need all of your opinions and suggestions to decide. As always, I count on your experience and expert advice related to relationship matters.

    Though this matter is mostly related to my career, I want opinions from family background since I consider myself as a mother first, and a family woman/wife/daughter before my profession.

    Here goes the problem:-

    I was a rising star in my career before marriage. Dedicated all my life to the work which was my passion too. Reached to the top level positions, and worked internationally at the very young age.
    Then happened my marriage, and a lot of problems associated with our inter-religious love marriage.
    My H was a different person before marriage, may be I was too naive to know his true nature back then. He changed, and showed a completely different character after marriage.
    For the first few years, I suffered a lot and even decided to end my life as it seemed hopeless.
    But my mom stood by me. I depended on my career once again, and it worked on my favor.

    Nevertheless, this second innings in my career isn't that successful as it was before. In fact, I had all the potentials, and support to climb this career ladder. Many times, I've been even considered for promotions. But due to family pressure, kids and other matters I could not accept any of such career advancements after marriage.
    I had to take a couple of breaks, and had to accept flexi hours compromising the salary and positions when kids were too young.

    Though my career was my passion and my identity, I would be happy to let that go for the family. Because I've always considered my family as my first priority. It is and will be the most happiest and safest place for me in the world.

    But my H failed miserably in his career front. He has still been learning and trying to secure a decent post; thus the entire household responsibility has fell on me. I had no choice, but to accept this role reversal.

    More to it, we had decided to start our marriage life pretty much from the scratch as we didn't want to accept any inheritance from both sets of parents who hated our union.
    Nevertheless, since we are very much closely connected with both sets of families, and our siblings and cousins are leading a well secured luxurious life (mostly from parent's wealth), we have this social peer pressure to do well in life.
    I had to take up this pressure and to provide for the family in order to push it up in the social status quo..

    Since mine was/is an excellent career, taking up such a huge responsibility didn't seem too much for me back then. But later in life, I've learnt it is impossible to be a perfect career woman and home-maker at the same time. I needed support at home to shine at work.
    Unfortunately that's what I miss from my H.

    Now that, if I look back my career status, I've been failing each time, specially I could focus or do well for max 6 months in one position. After that, some or the other family matter makes me lose attention in my work, and eventually that would further pressurize myself; thus I chose to resign or take a break or transfer or whatever.

    Unless I accept for a lower position, there won't be any suitable vacancies in my home city.

    I anticipated the same this time when I joined this new work place in a diff town (a sister agency of where I worked for long).

    Therefore, I requested my family to move with me to the new work-station, so that we all could enjoy work-life balance.
    My mom rejected this idea (she is our family and pretty much look after the kids while I am on work), and has her own reason not to join
    I thought it would be manageable at least if my H could join us. But he too had work related stress; hence promised to join only during weekends.
    With the hectic career, I knew I couldn't handle kids and home all by myself. At least I needed a helping hand and reliable support during initial months till I secure a nanny for the kids in the new city.
    So, I had to leave the kids & home under mom's care, while my H continued his work in a different city.

    We have been meeting as family only during weekends. It all went well till we had a supper domestic helper, a driver and my brother's family as our fullest strength.
    Now that, my brother's family had moved out of country, the domestic helper just left us, and the driver became unreliable.
    With our house renovation is going on, it becomes crazy at times to expect a 70 yr old woman to look after 2 school goers under 10 yrs of age, and do everything at home front alone.

    You are right.... though I live far away, all these responsibilities fell on my shoulder, and I pretty much remotely work each and everything for home.
    Eg: Order take away food, hire uber for their transportation, make calls here and there for all the services such as drinking water, laundry, groceries etc..etc..
    Even if Kid A comes late from School, I need to follow up that with the driver, teacher etc..etc... till he reaches safely, as mom doesn't know how to manage, and has no help there to rely on.
    Now that she is also getting sick and tired of handling everything physically.
    It has taken a toll on my kid's emotional health & their teachers have noted it.

    This is affecting my work, specially in a managerial role where I am expected to work hard and stay long at work place.
    Last week my superior has put it bluntly that I take too much leave, and expect lot of career adjustments which is not acceptable.
    Our work place has gender equality and decent work principles where flexibility and smaller to bigger adjustments for the inclusion of women and disabled people are at policy level.

    As long as the staff member delivers the project successfully, it shouldn't matter whether she enjoys her entitlements (leaves, time offs). But this male supervisor doesn't seem to be gender sensitive; hence the problem.
    Can report against him, but that would make things go worst.
    Can leave the job silently to teach him a lesson

    Now that, I think it is not wise to continue the same job... Because...
    1- Family issues are not gonna change
    2- My supervisor's attitude is not gonna change; hence he may pressurize me due to my issues

    If I leave this job.... I will have the following responsibilities...
    1- EMIs to pay
    2- Family expenses to cover

    I am super confident that I could get another post in no time... and handle the expenses quite well with the savings
    But chances are almost NIL for me to secure a job in our home city.... so, unless and until the family dynamics changes, things are gonna repeat again and again..
    It can affect my reputation and eventually career at larger scale...

    I am going to sit down with my H to discuss this once for all.... Kindly advice me for meaningful discussion points

    Thanks in advance!
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2020
    Loading...

  2. Dynamite

    Dynamite Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    18
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Your mom is 70 years and in coming years she won’t be able to help you as much as she does now due to her old age .Its the right time for you to take charge and find a way to balance your home without much help from your mom .To achieve that you need all the support from your husband .You need to sit down with him and talk about this .Can you and your husband work in the same city ?

    Regarding managing chores at home you need to break down and see where you need help . For example there is cooking , managing kids school work , cleaning ,washing and other miscellaneous stuffs .Washing clothes can be done on weekends and you can outsource ironing clothes (I am assuming in your hometown the price is reasonable like in India ) .You can find a cook who either comes in the morning or evening when either of you are back from work . I know this might not go well with everyone but do you think putting your kids in boarding school is an option for sometime .The current arrangement and moving around frequently can impact their studies .

    this is something most of the couple in abroad will face at some point of time .They need to manage kids ,home and work without much support from family .They do that by hiring help .

    Like you said leaving job is not an option since you are the primary breadwinner .You need to let your husband know that he needs to be the primary breadwinner or support you at home .
     
    Angela123 and hermitcrab like this.
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,117
    Likes Received:
    2,680
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Why can't your husband do all this?
    What kind of job does he do career wise?
     
    sbonigala and Angela123 like this.
  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    426
    Likes Received:
    536
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    yep totally on this. if you are a succesfull career woman who can be single care taker financially for your family. ask your H to be the home maker and quit on his work.

    sorry there are no short cuts by the way you have explained.
     
    sbonigala likes this.
  5. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    5,063
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Life is work. Family is an enterprise with assets, liabilities, human resources, cash-flows, P&L, the lot. Family goals for short term and strategic results (in health, finance and overall well-being) should be set and everyone should be (herded, if need be) working to achieve those.

    Only recently in some other post, I was musing how a solution drops out of a well-defined problem. Your long essay in OP offers a solution within itself: You "can leave the job silently to teach him a lesson". That "him" may be your supervisor, or anyone else at work or life.
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,252
    Likes Received:
    10,296
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    I could handle all this, including cooking, managing home etc..etc... if I work in the same city where my family reside. There are plenty of helpers, which I could hire only if I stay there. Otherwise, given the security issues we are not comfortable letting some strangers stay with us or work for us when the family heads are staying outside. My 70 yr old mom and 2 young kids are too vulnerable before the anticipated security risks associated with hiring helpers from outside.
    We had reliable maids and drivers before. But this time, it takes a lot of time to secure one reasonable one with background checking and reference. I just don't wanna put my family, specially my kids at risk by randomly taking one.
    That's why the entire responsibility of the household fell on my mom.

    There are limited opportunities to work in the field we both are in. My H could find something suitable for his caliber since he is still in a middle/junior level management. Salary wise as well he doesn't have to compromise at all. But he isn't trying much, but feels comfortable at where he is sitting now. His work place is 3 hrs away from home, so he prefers to stay there during weekdays.

    It will be a major down grade if I chose to work at home town. I earn much much higher with senior level position currently. I've tried lowering my grade earlier for the family, but it didn't work well before. It was too hard to compromise not only the salary but everything including my ego and all to work under junior/middle managers while I have already worked in senior positions before. Besides, it will be a huge salary cut as well. It impacts a lot.

    I am a hands on mom even though I stay away from family. I make sure my kids are both physically and emotionally doing great so far. And I take it serious if at all their conditions in anyways deteriorates. So, putting them in boarding school is out of question, as it can seriously affect their emotional health.

    This is the million dollar question.
    Why can't your husband be compassionate with you?
    Why can't someone's husband be able to treat her equally with his FOO?

    See... I am blessed with this kind of husband. He is good in some way, and bad in taking up responsibilities when the family requires it.
    He is like a spoiled teenager. He doesn't even know what to do. Needs direction and supervision in everything, else he fails miserably.
    Just like any other irresponsible brat... What to do?

    He works for the sake of society, for the sake of working... His earning is barely enough for him and his FOO (gives minimal support for them) and he needs all the money reasonably for his boarding stay, travelling, food etc...
    Nothing could be shared with family.... and I am used to it.

    That's exactly what I am going to ask. I want all of your suggestions on how to put it right, so that it doesn't hurt his male ego but works.
    I want him to be the home maker, not necessarily working inside the home. But just being at home does wonders.
    If he stays with family, we feel empowered, safe and happy.
    I can bring domestic helpers, and I don't really need to depend on drivers for the family if he is around.
    Mom can do what she could do... with the help of maids, and his affection to the kids family could manage at least for some years till we are off from EMI burdens.
    But he doesn't see it positively.
    He sees staying at home as a curse, and feel embarrassed to do it.
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,252
    Likes Received:
    10,296
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Your reply is totally irrelevant to my OP - the long essay according to you.
    Nevertheless, I still want to teach you a lesson here.

    Well... the highlighted lines mean....
    I could leave my job - by doing this, my supervisor will be under serious pressure from the higher management. Because the only reason behind my resignation would be his lack of empathy, and lack of affirmative actions to ensure gender equity at work. These are considered core values at my work place, so breaking them would be a serious offence.
    He will learn this lesson one last time, and perhaps change for better.

    But I am thinking whether taking such a big step right now is relevant or not? That's entirely not an important factor in my decision making process though.

    Looks like, you haven't read the essay correctly... If not, please refrain from posting - Thanks
     
    hemakrishnan123 and Amulet like this.
  8. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    5,063
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    So you are not leaving your job, and teaching him a lesson.
    You must already have a list of things you are planning to do, and you are tryin' to have the readers guess what they are.
    You have both an exciting work and home life.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,252
    Likes Received:
    10,296
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Amulets will be Amulets....No matter what!

    I know what are you trying here.... To get some malicious pleasure by provoking me, so that I may look bad in the eyes of virtual readers. I know how you picked my earlier posts, and successfully achieved what you wanted to achieve.

    But, sorry dear.... Not this time.... God bless you!!!:wave:
     
  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,117
    Likes Received:
    2,680
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    He could get a job in your place itself.
    Anyways the present job doesn't pay much.
    He has to take care of the kids school stuff, uber drivers etc..
    Even if he makes mistakes in the beginning, he will learn.
    Give him more responsibilities.
     

Share This Page