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Wondering If I Am Doing Something Wrong

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by soulful, Jan 3, 2023.

  1. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello All, Wishing Everyone a very Happy New Year!

    This is a thread that encompasses both MIL and Parents. So I don't know what would be a good place to post..

    So the thing is I and my MIL don't get along well... No surprises there. She has been living with us for the past two years.

    Now after 5 years we are going to India.

    My parents haven't spent time with my 3 year old who was born just before the pandemic. They were here when she was born but not after that.

    My original plan was to live in India for a few months. But I have had to get a new better paying job to because of MIl's added expenses. That means I have to come back in 3 weeks and so does my daughter.

    So because I want my parents to spend time with my child and my kid should know her other set of grandparents, I and H decided that MIL and he should be in India for a couple months and my parents should come and stay with me and daughter at our place. This so that MIL won't be alone and it won't feel like I drove her out of the house. Also helps stop wagging tongues from my Inlaws side. They have long tongues and my MIl will definitely portray the situation negatively.

    My problem - am feeling like I am driving her out of the house. No matter how I feel about her, I don't want to drive her out. I had to wrangle this arrangement from my husband as he was either not willing to 'drive his mother out' or he didn't realize how this issue made me feel. whatever be the case, it was not easy coming to this arrangement for me.

    My parents are also getting old and the fear of leaving them alone at this age nags me no end. Add to that, they have decided to move into a senior citizen home and that makes me feel like I have abandoned them.

    Now I am torn between 'driving out my MIL' and 'abandoning' my parents. I had to talk to someone and who better than you at IL?

    Please provide your insight.

    Thankyou in Advance!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2023
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  2. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husband will also be staying with her in India right?
    So it's not driving her out.
    You and daughter also needs to spend time with your parents.
    Just go ahead with your plans.
    Don't feel guilty.
     
    drdiva and soulful like this.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your arrangement is fine. Your kid spends full time with your MIL now. She is also entitled to know her other set of grandparents. Just go ahead and do what you need to. If people gossip then so be it. Tongues may wag for a few days and then they’ll move to to the next victim.
    Remember the saying: Those who seek to please everybody please nobody.
     
    shravs3 and soulful like this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Nicely asking your MIL to spend a few months in India so your parents can spend time in the U.S. with you is by itself a pretty reasonable request. To achieve this reasonable desire, you went through significant struggle, effort and heated conversations with husband that had to be conducted out of earshot of your MIL. You have to send your husband with her, have to manage job, child, and home yourself during husband's absence. And, now you are also feeling guilty and torn.

    Like the responses above say, your arrangement is fine and just go through with the plan.

    What I have learned about these wrangled arrangements is this:
    Even in the most fair and happy marriages, when the woman wants something that goes against the routine or norm or the family's convenience, she will have to present a detailed case, endure endless conversations, and jump through hoops to implement it once the arrangement is agreed upon. No one will themselves voluntarily seek her out to say, "aiyo paavam you have put up with a lot, you do a lot, you deserve a break, this break, here you go here's your break." :buenrollo:

    So, it is better for the woman if she endures the necessarily wrangling, gets the agreement to the arrangement, and gets all this with minimal unpleasantness and guilt. No second-guessing during the agreement's implementation.

    One rather funny example of such a wrangled arrangement from my life:
    When the pandemic started and work, school, college moved to home, no one in my household realized the extra work and management needed at home. I became the unofficial coordinator of who needed the quietest area, who needed lunch & dinner when, who took which car when. After 7-8 months of finding myself either cooking, serving, cleaning up or unloading dishwasher all day, I told DH to take care of the sink, dishwasher, and one kid's M-F lunch. DH being Mr. Reasonable readily agreed, with an expression of, "That is all? That is what has been bugging you for months? Ok I will do it."

    He wanted to do all the dishes only in the night after everyone's dinner. He doesn't wear gloves, it was winter, and the dishes used to have solidified butter, pasta etc stuck to them. Took him close to an hour, sometimes more. I used to finish my dinner early, clear the kitchen counters and go watch Korean dramas on the family room TV. : ) Raising the TV volume when he ran the garbage disposal for 60 seconds straight. : ) After wiping hands, he used to apply some lotion with elaborate process. That lotion also came after lot of research for a non-greasy, no perfume kind. Wrangling the arrangement was not pleasant and it was also hard to keep my mouth shut during its implementation.

    Saving the story about DH making kid's lunch M-F for another day. : )
     
    Laks09 and soulful like this.
  5. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes he is, not too happy about that but it is what it is mostly to avoid a modified version of a story that gets told again and again.

    Their family has a story where the youngest son (H’s uncle) took his family to a vacation. He being mother’s pet, the mother (H’s grandma) tagged along. Whe they reached the destination, son sent mother back home with driver giving the flimsiest of excuses. Now THAT same son is the biggest advocate of Sons taking care of the parents during old age. Wonder where his principles were when it was his turn!
     
  6. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree! Unfortunately it is not just the wagging. It is also the nagging! One of H’s uncles (same one above) is such a nag about these things, he bombards Whatsapp with all those emotional forwards. Ironically, he will never remember women’s parents also grow old.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2023
  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    oh my goodness, Rihanna, it’s like you were in my head when i was going through the process. Why do i have to give an explanation to bring my parents here? Isn’t it enough to just ask Mil to allow some time for my parents to spend time here? Heck! Shouldn’t she offer to go so that they can come here? Well i guess that’s asking for too much and if that were to happen, our relationship would have been great!

    your personal story came as a much needed comic relief! Especially the lotion applying elaborate process. It sure must have been hard to not crack up
     
    Rihana likes this.

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