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Women for you to understand men, better!

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Vidya24, Dec 4, 2006.

  1. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]This has been a public service message for women to better understand men. If this has been posted in IL before, please excuse me and let me know. Shall make suitable amends![/FONT][/FONT]
    [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


    [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]Because I'm a man,

    When the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
    engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us
    will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with
    all these computers and every thing, I wouldn't know where to start. " We
    will then drink a couple of beers as a form of holy communion.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    Because I'm a man,

    When I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me
    while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do,
    so for you, this is no problem.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    Because I'm a man,

    I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or
    bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."
    For all I know, these are the same thing.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    Because I'm a man,

    When one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart,
    despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair
    person gets here and has to put it back together.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    Because I'm a man,

    I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If
    the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for
    it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator .....
    (applies to engineers mainly).


    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    Because I'm a man,
    There is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is
    always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something
    else when you ask, so don't ask.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    Because I'm a man,

    I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or
    talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
    Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And
    don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    Because I'm a man,

    You don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying
    at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous
    afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend
    it to others.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    Because I'm a man,

    I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
    minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or
    without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
    now?



    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    Because I'm a man,

    And this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the
    housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the
    vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around
    in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------




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  2. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Vidhya,

    So back again with a bang! That was a different version of what we already know about men, isn't it?! But it was fun to read them.....:rotfl
    Keep them coming!
     
  3. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Adding spice eh?!

    Dear Vidya....
    Welcome back. Yes, looks like you have started off with a bang!! A generous sprinkling of salt and pepper (or is it chilli powder??!) is always welcome to add the spice and jazz to this site.
    Enjoyed reading all about 'the man' and had a good laugh. Rings true, doesn't it:)

    L, Kamla
     
  4. Vandhana

    Vandhana Silver IL'ite

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    Back with a bang

    Dear Vidya,

    Good to see you back here, and yes defnitely spicing up the threads. Great to read this and had a good laugh.

    Vandhana
     
  5. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    thanks

    Dear Sudha, Kamla, Vandhana,

    Thanks for liking my forward and for welcoming me back. T.S. Eliot said,'with a bang and not a whimper'. So bang is good after all, though I did not intend it.

    Viva,ladies world over!
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2006
  6. anjana

    anjana Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Vidya,

    That was hilarious still 'men can't live with them can't live without them.
    Love,
     
  7. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    I am happy and proud, Vidya!

    Dear Vidya,

    I am very happy and extremely proud to see that you have used the sabbatical from IL to gather such a wonderful post.

    I laughed out aloud on reading that. I cannot deny the truth in those statements. But neither can women deny the truth in the statements I am going to make. (Yours truly is not that intelligent to create such statements; this is also a forward, created by a man, who was made a philosopher by the woman he lived with.)
    Varalotti

    Here we go:

    We always hear "the rules" From the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

    1. Men ARE not mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
    or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what
    we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you won't dress like the <st1:State><st1:place>Victoria</st1:place></st1:State>'s Secret girls, don't Expect us to
    act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
    makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ..

    1. You can either ask us to do something
    Or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
    commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need
    directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
    have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
    nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
    don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
    fine...Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
    discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
    or
    golf.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know,
    I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

    Pass this to as many men as you can
    to give them a laugh.

    Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.


    Most Gracious ILites,
    Even if you had seen this post earlier in IL, I would suggest that you laugh at this once again. It doesn't hurt to read golden rules more than once.
    With Warm Regards
    Varalotti<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->
    <!--[endif]-->
     
  8. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    I am happier and prouder!

    Dear Mr Varalotti,

    When u did not respond, I assumed one of the three:

    1) Varalotti ain't seen it
    2) Varalotti has seen it, knows it is all so true and is lost for words
    3) Varalotti is waiting for Indhu to reply. She is one of us.

    Nice to see yr reply.

     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2006
  9. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    It is necessary

    Dear Ms. Vidya24,

    1) I did see it.
    1) I was not lost for words
    1) I wanted to reply before Indhu comes in; thereafter my hands will be tied. You know we operate under a different set of rules, the gist of which is I rule and she overrules.
    1) I have already posted this as a powerpoint presentation (forwarded by a dear male friend) (ILites I am not going to give you the link. You need to find that out.
    1) With women I do not want to take chances. Hence posted again. ha ha ha

    regards,
    Varalotti
     
  10. Vandhana

    Vandhana Silver IL'ite

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    Ha Ha Ha

    Nice to see the two Vs sparring again. So let me join the gang.

    Sridhar one of your phrases says:

    Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
    Wow you are willing to give us 7 days, i thught it would be more like null and void as soon as it is out of the mouth.

    Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
    commercials.
    You think you will pay any attention even during commercials? what if it is a Victoria secret commercial??:-D where will we women go then??:cry:


    Well nice start to the week thanks to you two.

    Vandhana
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2006

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