Withdrawing Promised Help To Relative?

Nnnnooooooooooo!!

 

I agree with the above view..gifts are given by choice never forced...education is a necessity and education expense is fixed while marriage expenses are by choice..it's entirely the wish of the benefactor as to how much he or she wants to give..if it's not for an immediate sibling then there shouldn't be much pressure..it is better to just give a nice gift like household item or gift voucher or simple jewellery.

 

Duplicate post

 

In my opinion, when you provide for educational expenses it stops only with fees. But for marriage, it continues once she gets a baby , the babies' bdays and if it is your niece, and you say her parents are not well off compared to you, they will expect you to help them financially at every point. If you are willing , then fine else but better to make it clear to them that you wish to help for educational expenses for anyone.

 

@Rihana,

I always think that the abroad walah obviously assumed richer than his indian residing sibling or whoever the comparison happens.

you start with simple things, getting the kids a bunch of clothes when you are on your visit to india. take them along for vacation..oh it is ok i can afford.. that is when we sow the seeds of expectations..

then comes the best colleges and education, and you think i can do it . it is just a few hundred or a couple of thousands converted in dollars.. oh the bar raises..

then the wedding of the girl happens, and you are supposed to foot at least 50% of the bill..it is not just the parents expectation.. if the parents don't expect, it is the close friends and relatives who make them think it is right to expect.. and so it goes.

it is so easy to feel awkward, and maybe a tad guilty if you refuse..but i believe in giving what you are comfortable not what the other expects. and sometimes the hurts that follow are bad. nobody asked you to give, you wanted to give you gave..scenarios..

Add living parents to the equation, the never ending comparison and stories about how the desi kid is pinching while you are having it easy...

Everything is possible in relationships and that is why managing them is walking a tight rope, balancing yourself and trying not to fall until you find your centre of balance..

I have this wise friend in a group, who was advising another of my friend who was in something similar.. x they did not have a baby expecting that they can piggy ride on you..i intially felt the whole thing was too harsh..but come to think of it, holds a lot of interpretations.

What would i do. i will talk to the parents, find out what they are doing, how they are going to manage. when you give 1/4th of the expected, it will reduce the lavishness. you can even give some more to the parents after the wedding if they have loans to pay off.. (understanding is that you will be attending the wedding..)

And yes i believe in aathula pottalum alandu podu..(even if you are putting the money into your house, for your family, count it, or it has the power to become a bottom less pit, or something that can come back to bite you later..)..do not stretch to help, because no one is going to believe when you are in need as you are the richer one ...

 

I send gifts to others through my mom, she feels very happy about the distribution part and my DH is the sender . In sort, my DH pretends like 'he is in charge' of money. That puts a cap on the gifts or their expectation, indirectly.

Being an elder sis to my family, I already spent for my siblings education/marriages to support my parents. I am not into whatapp, facebook, or email communication with the next generation, I do maintain a distance. (never had a time to mingle at a personal level with the kids). All communications are thorough my mom only, indirectly it controls the gifting amount??.

 

Op, You have to shut down the ATM sometime. Its not how rich you are. Its how much a person or family in this case can expect, which we all know is limitless. First of all you need to go ahead with what you have in mind for the wedding. Becoz the expectation wont stop from there.

You opened a Pandora's box with funding your niece's education even partially. Frankly no person educated wud expect you to go ahead and fund the masters too. If you do it then you are looking for life long commitment.(Marriage or masters). Next will come baby, housewarming , 1st birthday. You name it you will be faced with one more demand oh she can afford it.

The solution I see is tell them your budget maybe 10k less than what you intend and say you will contribute so much. Asking you for a huge chunk is arranging marriage with sure fire decision that you will contribute to a lavish wedding.Nip this in the bud. Good Luck.