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Withdrawing Promised Help To Relative?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Rihana, Apr 13, 2016.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Say you offer to help a cousin or niece with education expenses of higher studies in India, or abroad if she wants to study abroad like Australia, UK, France. You help pay a good portion of Bachelor's degree expenses, and the person starts to work, with plans to study more. You encourage the higher study plans.

    Then, suddenly they get a good match, and decide to get her married as such good matches come rarely. You want to give a regular amount wedding-gift like others are giving, but they expect that you will give a chunk of cash towards wedding expenses.. In effect, they expect you will help for the wedding as if it is higher education.

    Is it petty to say you will give more for higher studies and/but will not give as much for wedding expenses?
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  2. kaniths

    kaniths IL Hall of Fame

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    Whattt? No! Just No! Not petty at all. Period.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmmm.. what if compared to that family, you are very 'rich', and they will be taking quite some loans for girl's wedding, and your contribution would help... not to forget, most pro'lly the higher studies are not going to happen post marriage.

    I have this thing against contributing to wedding expenses... something about it being spent on feeding the guests elaborate meal. I anticipate pressure from my folks to give the cash.
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  4. kaniths

    kaniths IL Hall of Fame

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    You could be rich. You could sponsor the whole wedding too! But only if you wish to, if its your choice from the heart! Peer pressure is always gonna be there, part of your signature is the answer! There's GOT to be a way through it! :)

    PS am no expert, maybe you should wait for someone who replies not in their sleep! :yum: j/k
     
  5. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Rihana,

    My perspective would depend on how close you are with the relative, how much concerns are there from either side. It just can't be a one way traffic. There needs appreciation of what you had done, mutual understanding for whatever has been done.

    For the purpose of education, contributing is different, depends on whether you study in India or abroad. It depends on the course and the universities. It needs a lot to be taken into account, for example fees, accomodation etc.
    If well off and they have good familial relationship and wish to spend then they could.But it is something I would leave it for them to decide.

    With regards to marriage, I don't think it is required to contribute the exact amount like studies.
    Marriage expenses can be curtailed as per the family wishes.

    Not sure what you wanted.
    Vaidehi
     
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  6. whitedaisy

    whitedaisy Bronze IL'ite

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    Hmmmm...I would ask the girl, if she continues her education after marriage and she is really doing well in academics I would consider of paying her fee. If she says "no" then back off. Definitely wont give the college fee as wedding gift. :shakehead:
     
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  7. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Your money, your choice.

    Personally, I would use the money to sponsor someone else's education.

    Paying for a lavish wedding she can't afford will set up in-law expectations for the future that her parents can't fulfill. You will be asked to keep paying or accept responsibility for the consequences of not paying.

    OTOH, anyone who reads Rel Forum knows that marriage can be an educational experience. :p
     
  8. Shivalaya

    Shivalaya Silver IL'ite

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    Not Petty at all. Sponsoring for education can never Match for the contribution to marriage. Like some one above said u can spend on someone else education. Give the amount which u feel is sufficient.
     
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  9. maya9876

    maya9876 Silver IL'ite

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    Its a pickle you are in OP. To want to contribute to 'lesser off' niece's higher education is a noble thing to do. But then, this happens... the build up of expectations. The expectation that you will keep paying. Today it is the wedding. Tomorrow if she has domestic issues, are you ready to contribute? If she and her hubby going through tough phase, say starting a new business, are you willing to contribute? How far are you willing to stretch?

    Its your money, it should be your choice on how to spend it.

    You were contributing towards her education to make her independent or for watever reasons you had . But contributing towards her wedding is a different thing altogether. Because really what is a wedding? Isnt it just one big party? You shouldn't be pressured into paying for someone else'es party. Because unlike tuition fees, wedding expenses can always be reduced. Wedding can be conducted by the girls parents inside their means instead of pressuring relatives to pay so they can afford more.

    But its your niece, the expectation is there and your folks will tell you to do too. So its going to be tough to get out of. Considering you paid a huge chunk of her bachelor degree expenses and still open to funding her future studies.. I think you should not pay for the wedding. And should not even feel guilty about it. Instead give her a nice useful gift that will help her married life. Maybe a fridge, tv, washing machine or something else that doesn't seem just like a token.
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Appreciate the responses. If I ask DH, he'll give a one-word answer. If I begin to talk about it, he'll reverse the one-word answer. Anything to get me to buzz off.

    Money matters often become like this. To be a bit fair, no one is forcing me, and no one can force also.. but it is the assumption - that since further studies not happening as of now, money can be directed to wedding. It feels awkward to say no.

    To add to the mix, my own strong opinions about weddings. I don't get it why all people buy new clothes and often jewelry too, even if it is not their wedding. Invariably when at the goldsmith shop, they will trade in some things, do some calculations, and finally leave shop having spent money they didn't intend to. And, the absence of 'save for future'. If any money is sent, and the thing it is meant for, such as a PC, is got in a lesser amount, the remaining is simply splurged on this and that.

    LOL that begs for a thread by itself... Marriage is indeed an educational experience. No wonder it and school both are called institutions. There are reservations for MILs. : ) Visa needed to go back to alma mater (mom's house). : )
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