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will u actively encourage ur child to marry for love?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by coffeecups, Mar 4, 2016.

  1. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

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    i have been thru two incidents in my family that makes me write this post..
    one was a cousin who was in a relationship for 5+ years, who was silently blackmailed by his family to forego his choice, to marry the girl they chose..
    the trauma this cousin went thru, i have seen it personally, i can never describe it in words
    the second situation was a bit better, where another cousin literally fought a battle with his parents to marry the girl of his choice..
    so, the word love marriage has still a taboo associated with it in india..
    the most common one being family opposition.. the reason may be change from household to household.. mostly it is based on socio eco status, caste and religious basis.. even if the family accepts, in only few cases they do it happily.. in most cases (atleast in the ones i have seen) the child has to face lot of emotional blackmail, silent treatment, threats and so on..

    with changing times, the acceptance levels have increased
    but my question is would u actively encourage ur child to fall in love and get married to his/her choice?
    i would like to raise my child to be mature enough to decide whether she is in love or not and whether she/he wants to take the relationship to the next level by marriage.. i would rather not doubt her maturity in choosing her future spouse.. if i doubt, it will b like doubting my own upbringing..
    so to sum up, i would say that parents shud concentrate more on moulding their child into a mature adult who can take responsible and confident decisions reg marriage..
    trying to force some one in their lives against their choices makes them loose their self esteem and confidence. and those wounds turn into big scars
    also, if the child despite being mature makes a misjudgement in her spousal choice, i would not punish her saying "u deserve this.. rather that shud be taken as an opportunity to nurture her, let her heal and grow back into a stronger person than before !!"
    so the question is not abt merely accepting love marriages
    so what are ur views on actively encouraging ur child to marry for love.. and if yes, how and if no why?
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Forcing some one to marry against their will is criminal in my opinion.
    Parents do have a role in advising the children regarding their choice of partner.

    As for my children,if my child chose her partner...the only thing that would matter is if the guy was good,loved my daughter for herself and her happiness was his priority .

    God forbid if things do not go well in spite of our reservations about the guy...my daughters will be my daughters no matter what and I will stand by them.
    My home is my daughters home forever.

    We are not going to give them away during their wedding(no kanyadaan)...they will just be getting married,hopefully to their partner for life.
     
  3. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    No one can encourage or discourage love marriage. Love is not planned. It just happens, if someone is planning to go for "love" marriage, then they should call it self-arranged marriage. That would be a more suitable term. And I definitely think that the current "love" marriages are all self-arranged marriages where the girl and boy look for themselves all that they want in their prospective partner. If someone has fallen in "love", then parents will definitely see if their children have really fallen in love or they are under that impression. Is it not tough for the parents to make decisions as well? It is pretty possible that the kids may turn around and say "Why did you not warn me?" They also need to consider if they can get along with their prospective daughter/son-in-law. They have their own way to judge. If the kids are so much in love and are convinced then they should state the same and beyond a point they should put their foot down and say with conviction that they will remain unmarried or they will marry the person of their choice. They should not have second thoughts on that. You can never force any individual to do anything. It is not like our country is some place where people are going to kill someone if they don't listen(under normal situations). There is nothing like I am going to allow love marriage/not going to allow, it is not like that, it is more a person to person/family-family matching. It depends on both kids and parents. If there is clear communication between the two of them, then there should not be any disagreements on the same. Are love marriages bad? No, I don't think so, but it depends on the maturity level of the individuals involved and they should be willing to risk it come what may. If I feel there is something wrong in my kids' decisions, I will definitely point out. Whether they will listen or not is not in my hands. Will I wish them bad? No. But if I am not happy, I won't be happy and they can't decide that for me. In my brother's case he told me certain things about my sis-in-law that did not seem quite right, I told him, but he did not trust me, he went ahead with his decision, it was arranged only, but there were certain things about the arrangement that we were uncomfortable, but he wanted to go ahead. Now he is facing the heat. Did I wish him bad? Hell no, all I have done is maintain my distance considering the situation. Don't I like my sis-in-law? I do, but at the same time, I don't like certain things, I just keep them to myself. I have stopped interfering in their life and so have my parents. But not all parents will be so patient or selfless or even tolerant.
     
  4. nuss

    nuss Finest Post Winner

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    I married the man I loved. We have set an example for our children. There won't be any arranged marriage for my kids. They have to grow up, take responsibility and find their own life partner. If I like someone and feel that he/she will get along with my kids very well, I won't hesitate to introduce them.
    Two of my nephews got married last year to the women of their choice. It was interesting to see that my one sister wholeheartedly accepted her DIL while my other sister agreed but still not happy. She wanted to choose a bride for her only child.
     
    imhappy, tulip07, MalStrom and 2 others like this.
  5. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    That's the only thing that one should marry for.
    So my counterquestion.What would one encourage one's children to marry for?

    In our Indian culture however one marries for everything,society,parental wishes,social and financial security etc etc.Love unfortunately finds the lowest rung on the ladder.
    Some people yet marry for love.May everybody else joins their league.:)
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  6. Gladimeir15

    Gladimeir15 Junior IL'ite

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    Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It should not be for taken as an exchange of anything. If you want your life to be miserable or happy and contented for a lifetime then its your choice. A parent is to guide their children in whatever undertakings they may have to guide is not to dictate them exactly what to do. In choosing their lifetime partner would be theirs to decide what I can do as a parent is to guide them in life to the best I can.
     
  7. Katakam123

    Katakam123 Silver IL'ite

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    Hmm whether it is arranged marriage or love marriage, first I would like all my kids to get married ( I have this phobia , since my sil is almost 40 and yet to get married and changing bf on and off) , their marriage should be with the right person, they must think and decide 100%, and understand why they get married( now I see a lot of youngsters chose to be single and enjoy life, by the time they want companian, time would have passed), and whatever happen I will be there as a mother to support, as a person or a soul ( if I'm no more).
     
  8. shobhamma

    shobhamma Gold IL'ite

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    Interesting topic.
    But let me tell you by my own experience that many youngsters WANT their parents to arrange marriages.

    I have two daughters and a son and was sailing happily that they will find their own partners and we will just have to nod. I had done my best to encourage them to do so. BUT only one chose her own partner. Other two expected ME to find for them, though they reserved a right to refuse! [​IMG]:BangHead:

    My own two nalayaks ( Good for nothings) told me that they wanted me to find for them as if something went wrong they could blame me!!
    :imp:
    Out of my other 22 nephews and nieces only 8 went the "Love" way. Rest were "arranged"
    Mind you out of that "arranged" ones 6 were born and brought up outside India. and they are all boys. Interesting aside : are boys more insecure?

    One nephew told me candidly that he believes his parents know what he needs better than him!

    There are three of my nephew/ nieces who failed to find and get arranged too, and are now supporting their siblings after the parent's demise!

    Some who had to fend for themselves, went Shaadi,com , newspaper way, finding a likely prospect and THEN consulting an astrologer too!

    I am talking about from 1992 to last year!

    Contrast that with my generation. Out of 5 siblings, and 5 in laws , four had love marriages including mine that has endured for 50 yrs. ( Work out the year). And there was no Horoscope matching either!!!

    Here is another gem for you to ponder: even MY parents had a "LOVE" marriage in 1940! they were accepted by both families and we have a solid network of 52 first cousins. No Horoscope! :clap2:

    We did mot have so many MIL/ DIL /Sil/ DH /DW issues also then. It was not strife free but not so toxic too. Even my kids have the luxury of extended family and enjoy it immensely. I am still good friend with all my SILs, and Dils (Apart from mine my nephews' too) and all sons in laws. At least they keep calling me so I think I am.

    This is an interesting social phenomenon that young people are more insecure/ unable to find their own mates. Even those who find "love" taste "hate" very soon.Many separate quickly. I have no data but it would be quite revealing. The pages of this forum are full of such broken love stories. I seriously think we need a "love" topic in our collage syllabus to learn how to handle "love" in after (married ) life

    I sometime wonder which is really liberated and contented generation. :hmmm:

    :banana: Come Bull Hit Me !
     
  9. ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    :worship2:
     
  10. crazysans

    crazysans Bronze IL'ite

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    I am mom of preteen girl and mine is a love marriage (strongly resisted by my parents before marriage but I choose to stick to my original decision)Here is my views.

    1. I would always secretly wish my daughter never goes for a love marriage , only because I have gone through a lot of emotions before marriage, after marriage and even now sometimes. But I understand that genuine love is not planned and we never know when and why that happens. I would probably suggest my daughter not be very emtotionally d ependent on her partner.

    2. I always feels like there is no difference in love vs arranged marriages after a couple of years into life in general. Be it love or arranged its basically luck factor that will decide what type of person you are going to love with in future. Initial days of love or marriage have a lot of colored glasses applying many different colors to the relationship depending on situations , surroundings etc. Its only after a couple of years into marriage you will slowly start realizing the true emotional bonding etc. I feel like my marriage has gone through a constant cycle of feeling connected and emotionally dependent on each other and trying to please each other one time and then growing too cold to each others emotions due to many factors some other times.

    3. I have personally seen many couples with arranged marriage back ground acting more freely with their spouses than us. Not because my husband or me are not close, but somehow we shared too much before marriage.

    4. I believe its important for the couple to be mature enough to realize the possible incompatibilities and able to deal with them.

    Anyway to me I am lucky in many things but at the same time very unlucky in some aspects of understanding and basic personalities between me and my husband. They are not bad enough to hurt my marriage or bonding but bad enough to make me feel unwanted, unappreciated many times even after these many years. I am still struggling to come to terms with this but too emotional to let it go. Hopefully my daughter would be mature enough to deal with this.
     
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