Wife showing lack of passion in day to day life and wakes up really late.

jkdaniel · Jun 15, 2015

Dear members,
I have two different problems which i want to share both are related to my newly married life.
Not sure if the first one should go to the Intimacy forum, but since both are a sequel to each other so i decided to
mention them together in the same thread.

1st Part:-
I'm 31yrs old male and married since last 1yr.And we are settled abroad.
My wife is pretty and attractive lady who is also same age as me, We knew each other 1 year before getting married but not
in and out about each other.She loves and cares for me a lot and shows a lot of affection, she is taking good care of me
and i have no-doubt she is good natured girl in every ways.
But our relation is more affectionate than passionate.
The passion is only from my side, she never shows any desire to get intimate.
The way she shows her love and affection is what one can get from sister, mother or best friend.
I wonder if i am just an emotional need for her, a friend whom she likes to talk and watch movies with go out and eat with.
Sometimes i wonder does she ever gets sexually aroused, there is nothing in me which has to put her off.
I am well built and nice looking guy.I have had many realtions before, where my gf used crave and ask for sex, and we used to make crazy love.
And here I am married for just 1 year and she doesn't show any intention for making love.
She would show her affection by hugging, kissing and stroking my hair, like Moms will do but it doesn't go any further and doesn't turnes her on.
So far as i have observed she does enjoys when i get intimate with her, but she doesn't reciprocate the way like most of the women would do.
I'm slowly getting fed up of this one-man show, where making love is only one-sided.
She is a very modern girl and has studied and worked in Metro cities for many years, during those years she had a bf as well.
I'm just wondering how she used to be in those times. Was she passionate then and not anymore or has she always been like that.

2nd part:-
There is a second part to this problem, that my wife wakes up really late.
I want to ask a question What is the latest one should get up in the Morning regardless of they have work to do or not.
Do you think 11:30am is a good time to wake up. Yes my wife can't get up earlier than that.
As I have mentioned we are settled abroad and day starts much earlier here as 8:00 - 16:00 is the standard work hours.
Luckily she is just doing a part time job - 14:00 to 19:00 which is why she doesn't need to get up at 7 in the Morning but still waking up at 11:30??
Having breakfast at 12:30 or straight lunch.
She doesn't like to sleep early, prefers to sleep after 2:00 fiddle with phone for 1 hr before going to bed and 1 hr after getting up from bed.
This is having a impact on our day to day life as our eating and sleeping habits don't match with our friend circle.
On off days we have breakfast at 12:30 lunch at 17:00 and dinner after midnight.
I can't sleep that longer as it won't suit my busy lifestyle, so i end up getting up alone and spending a 2-3 hours on my own.
I'm surprised her parents neglected her habits and never motivated her to have the good habits.

This is becoming a big problem in my life now.
I want her to have a healthy lifestyle, where one gets up at the right time at the maximum 8:30 to 9:00 if not working.
Have a proper breakfast and the whole day is there for you to do rest of the things.
In future she would do a full time job where she can't make any excuses.
Like majority of men i have quite a high sex drive during the early hours in Morning.
But i have no means to persuade her to get intimate, as she is in her deepest sleep.
I have tried a few times to wake her up say 8:30, 9:00 in the morning but i felt like i'm forcing her to do so.
I have no other means than to masterbate and relieve myself.
I had a few relations in my past, where i had morning sex and it was a great pleasure with little or no persuasion.
In last one year i have tried to speak to her on this matter every now and again, but everytime it ended in a huge argument,
blaming me to be a selfish and inconsiderate person.

I know i've made her sound like a really bad person but
To be honest i don't have any other issues with her other than this, as she is really a loving, caring and wonderful wife.

Can you suggest what measures should i take to make my early days of married life more happening.

jaden · Jun 15, 2015

Well the sexdrive of a women usually slows down in her 30's.But there has to be more reasons to why she doesnt initiate or get really intimate with you.For some girls sex is painful due to many medical reasons,please have this ruled out.Maybe there's a lot going on in her mind,could be something like work pressure.I would suggest try talking to her in a very loving way as to why she isnt reciprocating to you when it comes to sex.

Regarding her getting up late,she wouldnt be able to do it in a day.Why not plan something early morning like a walk together,or an early morning drive together??She needs to have an added incentive to wake up early right??Find out things she likes to do as an activity and try and persuade her to wake up early for that.Make it slow and steady,try doing it twice in a week and then probably make it 4-5 days.

Try telling her the lifestyle she is living is not really very healthy.Eating dinner at midnight is the worse thing you can do to your health.Slowly try incorporating healthy habits without her actually knowing it.(have been successful with my hubby who had similiar late night habits)

sarah123 · Jun 16, 2015

@jkdaniel

This might not be the solution , but give it a try.

regarding your first part, u mentioned that u spoke to her on this and she knows your feelings. But the discussion didn't end well right? Okay stay calm. No woman is too harsh or unkind. As mentioned by Jaden, if it's medical issue, it can be sorted. If not, there might be something going in her mind which she is thinking lot about. Don't try to ask her about the sex or any issues related to that. If she doesn't feel comfort regarding this, it looks u r forcing her for physical intimacy and it still makes the situation worse.

what u can do is, show that u love her, u care for her, u respect for her in whatever way she is. Make her feel special by sweet nothings. No need of buying expensive things, etc.
wat u can do is, prepare her food which she likes most by the time she wakes up or a coffee in the evenings too wud be great. If possible buy her any accessories, which she wanted from long time and surprise her. Buy her a romantic pillow or kind of thing which she makes think of you when she sleeps on it and wakes up looking it. Try to look into her eyes and talk wen u surprise her.

these might be very small things but trust me, it will create a impression of urs in her subconscious mind, which makes to think of you. But it might take lot of time. Be patient and do your best. Don't loose patience.

Thanks

sugugiri2010 · Jun 16, 2015

Hi

There are many of this kind... but 1 year is a long time to change. some women just like to have pleasure while making love and will not be interested in giving back. even though she is from cities i believe she is little reserved on this topics. i can understand her as i was in her shoes few years back. but slowly i changed and my husband was patient enough to wait for me to change. she will not give u pleasure until you explain her. but explanation should not be like blaming her. tell her kindly with love and am sure she is gonna change soon

regarding getting up late.... as others suggested here, u can tell the harm of having food late.. and what all it can affect her... in a caring way... as well motivate her....

SGBV · Jun 16, 2015

Be honest with her about your opinions. Don't blame her, don't criticize her.

Just like your post above, give all the credits to her good behavior, beauty etc..etc... at the same time, tell her honestly how do you expect her to be. Do not compare her with your ex GFs. It is a big turn off.

If casual talks like this are not enough to bring a change in her, then make it as a point to discuss it often. Remind her daily that you may need her in bed tonight. Remind her that you are longing for a passionate sex. Remind her that you both should go to bed at the same time.

The adjustment has to come from both ends. If she sleeps at 2, then come for a middle point. Where you both sleep at 12 am.
Like wise, the wake up time also can be fixed like 9 am. You both do it together, so that your timing won't deviate from each other.

Encourage her to live a healthy life by setting an example. For ex... You can cook together, eat together.

Instead of sleeping with her till 11.30 during weekends, you can wake up at 9.00 and slide the bedroom curtains, switch on the music to make her sleep uncomfortable after that.
Then encourage her to prepare B'fast together with you. Encourage to eat with you.

Since she is affectionate, you can also make her eat or cook for you by a food strike. Eg: I won't eat b'fast if you don't cook and eat with me before 10 as it is healthy for both. Now this woman may come down to meet your expectation because she can

shari2003 · Jun 16, 2015

OP, regarding your first issue, I think there is a lot of difference between what you both think/ percieve of "intimacy"; I am not sure whether I expressed it right, but, I feel your spouse is not as open as you on that. You have stated multiple times about your "hot episodes" with ex-gfs, but, though she had an affair before marriage and in spite of she being educated/ worked in metros, I do not think she went thus far.
That difference is what you have been experiencing, and what you express as "coldness" from her. She might certainly need more time to be more open and reach your expectations if she has been brought up in a strictly conservative family. You could discuss intimacy with her, be open and expressive as to what you want, watch sex videos (am not talking of ****, but there are good videos to learn from), watch romantic, intimate movies together, and build on things where you spend time intimately together (massage, bathe etc).
But, whatever you do, please do not compare her to one of your hot and steamy gfs, neither do mention that to her.

Regarding your second problem, you could be clear on what you want, discuss and reach a middle ground of sleeping and waking up at so and so time on weekdays and weekends. You could also put it this way- you like to have your breakfast by so and so time with her, and then step out for work etc. You could start the kettle, begin with preparations and then wake her to help you with the rest for a few days, and then slightly coax her to get up earlier and so on

Jazmine83 · Jun 17, 2015

Is she sleeping so she can avoid you?

When you love a man or a woman with all your heart, it is impossible to keep your hands off. It becomes very enjoyable rather than a chore. From my experience ( I have atleast 20 close girlfriends and I have sisters as well...and people open up to me about sex a lot)....abstinence due to medical reasons are really really rare...never had anyone tell me that..the most common I have heard
1. Fear of pain
2. I find it boring

So..try initiating it again. Smell really nice, put on something that she said you looked good in. And watch for her reaction...if you see fear in her eyes, or during intercourse she is tensing up or showing any sign of pain or if she is really dry...stop...you have your answer there. This can be easily addressed

BUT...

If she shows zero interest..the problem is bigger..
Since everyone else has already suggested talking, I am going to suggest something else. Make her feel jealous. I am not saying go start flirting with other women. But think and do something that will not damage your relationship...but at the same time make her jealous. Like watching p*rn in the living room ...or have a fight over something silly and try make up sex. And also you need get her excited, everyone has a particular "spot" that excites them...I am not talking about physical spot...but a mental spot, like boss/secretary..teacher/student, bondage etc....every single one of my close girlfriends have a fantasy...for women its just not the physical look but also emotional...

Lastly...don't keep pondering why she is not doing anything while you are doing all the "work". If you are starting to feel like its work..then the fun goes out. The more one tries to give the more one gets...this applies to sex for sure.

jkdaniel · Jun 18, 2015

To make the situation more clearer i would mention few more things about her.
-For instance when we go for an outing or vacation she would wake up much early so that we can go and see around places.
She is a different person when we are on holidays, very jolly and procative i can just leave everything to her and relax.
We have done that every 2-3 months.
-Also when she is high on alcohol, she would show her desire to get intimate.
It has happened only 2-3 times in last 1 year.
-Text Chatting is also something that she is quite addcited to. She would prefer texting for 2-3 hours than to speak me for 5 mins.
As she can't express her feelings very well face-to-face or by talking.
Before our marriage we used to Text Chat a lot, and sometimes it is quite alluring.
Most importantly from what i have experienced about her is that it is possible to seduce her over text chatting than in person.
But in our busy life its not possible to have a constant text chat for long.

She is not new to Sex in fact she had a 3 yrs long relation with her BF before.
I wonder she had her colourful life back then and there is no interest left in love making and romance.
In terms of her waking up late , i would say it is more of a habit than anything.
And due to her lazy and stubborn nature , she wouldn't give up on that.
I have tried all ways possible to make her get up early in the morning in many different ways:-
Going for Morning Walks Together
Me cooking breakfast
Cuddling upto her
Trust me anything comes between her sleep she would take it very seriuosly and would be grumpy for the rest of the day.
and the only way to solve that is when she gets a work full time
or Normal 9-5 shift.

resmij · Jun 18, 2015

As you have written,advise her for a full time job. She will change I feel.

regards,
resmij

yellowmango · Jun 19, 2015

No two individuals are same with regards to sex .It is rare to find two equally eagar and compatible couple.

It is easier with girl friends(or bf).They can be changed if they don't fit the requirement.
You comparing her with a bunch of gf will neither help her ,nor you.

Looks like she is a shy person. She is easier to arouse over text ,than in person.She is less inhibited after drinking alcohol.This all points to her being a shy person.

Or ...something about you does not act as a turn on. It could be something about you physically ,or something you do . Look out for sign. When she pulls away,looks away, or looks disinterested in something you do .Working with shy people is hard work.....but they also don't say things out bluntly on your face and hurt your feelings.

It has just been one year you will find more about each other. You may eventually find what turns her on and the right buttons to push.Be patient.

As for getting up late.She takes care of you ,you get up and make her the best cup of tea and wake her up with it. That might tempt her.
You know she can get up on time when she has the motivation (vacation).
Don't worry....she will find a job,have a baby ,things will change.
Let her have this break. Wake her up with a cup of tea.Tell her to have breakfast with you and then she can get back to her beauty sleep.
Chances are,she won't feel sleepy after that cup of tea and breakfast.

Encourage her to go sight seeing when you are at work.Tell her to do grocery shopping.Tell her about some coffee shop that she should try out on her way back from grocery shopping and picking up the dry cleaning. Or tell her to visit the local nursery to pick up a plant (if she is into that) on her way back.