1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Wife Has Reservations About Adoption

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Greenbay, Nov 19, 2017.

  1. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    497
    Likes Received:
    1,107
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    I think people are either wired to be open to adoption or they are not.. I have heard many in my family, social circle make comments which indirectly infer that an adopted child can never be like your own. I cringe when I hear such things. Our collective human values have become so low , love and acceptance have become nil. anyways I would suggest you to show her videos like the one below. also reality shows like the little couple etc..



    Buy Adopted Miracles: The Story of Our Family Book Online at Low Prices in India | Adopted Miracles: The Story of Our Family Reviews & Ratings - Amazon.in

    in the end this desire has to come from her , if it doesn't you have no choice my friend . The recent sherin mathews case is a grim reminder of what happens when the family is not prepared for the realities of adoption. also there are other things like Reactive Attachment Disorder(RAD ) and Fetal Alcohol syndrome (FAS ) which adopted children might be prone to.. so unless by nature the person is very compassionate , open and accepting , adoption is not a good idea.
     
    sindmani, iamsrihere and Greenbay like this.
  2. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    389
    Likes Received:
    894
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Male
    I am being supportive to her. I will remain supportive for many more years and beyond our reproductive years too if we can't have a biological child but disappointments are stressful to me as well as she goes into depression and my heart aches for her pain. So I am ready to move to the next phase. I am not a typical husband to think that child duties are woman's alone, so if we end up going adoption route, I will help her in all the tasks. I consider my wife to be equal partner in everything. Some couples unfortunately are destined to be childless and I am afraid, our biological clock is ticking as we both are 37. Adoption process would take longer time and I want to adopt when we are still young to handle an infant or a toddler, not when we are in our mid 40s.
     
    sindmani, Sangeeta85 and NeetaR like this.
  3. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,179
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Not slow, if you are going through an Indian Child adoption. In USA it is a little slow.
     
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,226
    Likes Received:
    7,055
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    You still have options at 37, options that will start dwindling in a year or two. If you are financially able to I would go to the best possible clinic you can get to and do the whole works: more rounds of IVF, surrogacy, donor egg and so on. In the unfortunate event that none of these work you would have tried all your options and minds may change. If you want to adopt a child from India though be mindful that there are age limits on the parents for the ages of children you can adopt.
     
    Greenbay and Archanaanchan like this.
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,174
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Appreciate the way you have put it. You are right in your points.

    Regardless of the sharing of all the baby duties, your wife may still spend more time with the child than you and the child needs both your unconditional love, so the way she feels about this process is very important.

    Guess it would be helpful if you speak to her about a one last timeline. You can state that if you keep pushing any further than a particular age then you don't become eligible for adoption either.

    As a last resort, decide something like 2 more ivf cycles n two cycles for surrogacy. I have read that it also follows ivf treatment. Extract eggs n sperms from you both, infuse n put it in the surrogate mother. Speak to her n come to a mutual agreement, on a number n a timeline. That way you are giving appropriate time for both of you to get ready.

    Side by side you can continue to show her the goodness in adoption, show her videos, articles, etc. Also do your research about adoption n shortlist one or more agencies n prepare n keep all the documents you would need to apply. So the moment your wife says yes, after attempting all other options according to your mutual agreement, you jus have to file your papers officially.

    But then again, despite everything if she's still not ready for a non-biological child, I think surrogacy is the best option. In this option, I think you both don't have to go through the treatments like you are doing right now n stopping your life. You can continue living, take your vacations n still try this.

    Can really understand your stand but adoption cannot be forced.
     
    Greenbay likes this.
  6. msbram

    msbram Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    36
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi
    I have gone through the whole rollercoaster ride of infertility, different levels of treatment including many IVF cycles - in three different countries and spending a fortune and the four-week cycle of hope and dejection for almost 8 years. I can understand your wife's hesitation. I was always for adoption and wanted to adopt irrespective of having/not having a biological child. So it was easy shift for me. I was also extremely lucky in my adoption process - even would call it miraculous. The fact that I do not live in the USA helped. Also, my husband and I have a practice of being extremely open with each other and support each other. That really helped us cross the choppy waters of infertility.

    From what I know, I will tell you that adoption is even more excruciating than the treatments. There are lot of legal hoops you have to jump through apart from navigating the emotional landscape. Your nationality and race matters not only for legal purposes but also about your acceptance of the race of the baby. It takes 18 months to two years on an average if adoption is from India. If both of you are Indian citizens living in the USA, it is not possible to adopt from India. At least one of you should be a US citizen. It might be even more difficult now with the recent news of abuse and death of an adopted child. So, go to the CARA website of India or the relevant government's adoption website to know all the steps and details.

    As many people suggested here, if both of you are not fully on board, don't even think of adoption. Because, both parents are equally important and nobody has any right to play with an innocent's life.

    My suggestion is be more kind to your wife. It is she who has to undergo the treatments- giving up her privacy, taking all possible hormones that wreak a havoc on the body and worse during the winters. She will be the one who will be asked, rebuked, pitied for not having a child. My husband got no questions, tips and suggestions of doctors from anybody ever whereas everybody who had an extended conversation with me had a tip or two for conceiving. Because of the conditioning, she might feel that the choice of adoption means that she has to accept her failure in completing the family. It takes time for some people and some cannot do this. You have to very patient if you are really serious about adoption. Talk to her about her frustrations and fears. Be receptive and do not judge. Take a break for one or two cycles and go somewhere. It might give a break for her body from the hormones. Do other things that you enjoy doing together. My husband and I are scientists. We fell back on our research and started collaborating which continues till today. Doing anything creative together gives a big happiness boost. Wait for your wife to accept that you both may not have a biological child and then open the topic of adoption.

    I also understand where you come from. It is very true that when it comes to infertility, most of the time men's state of mind is neglected. Be kind to yourself too. Express your feelings with your wife and be open with her that you are suffering too and appeal for her support. It tells her that you are a fellow hostage and not an observer. This really needs to be reinforced to your wife. It helps you both to come to terms with what life had dealt you with and find a way to go ahead.

    After everything I said, my final word is that - adoption is a lot of work and trouble but is nothing compared the joy a baby brings in your life or even writing your name as the parent in forms for the first time. My best wishes and hope everything works out for you and your wife.
     
    kavya007, SunPa, DDream and 4 others like this.
  7. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    389
    Likes Received:
    894
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Male
    Initial years of attempts, she was the one who had to bear the brunt of questions from relatives and friends but when infertility continues, believe me, more hands will be pointed towards man. Ours is an unexplained infertility as my sperm count is good, mobility no major issues and she too was able to get pregnant (few natural and couple of IVFs) but ended up miscarrying all of them. After miscarriages, her confidence is currently shaky at best but she is stubborn to not consider adoption. Both of us do not like surrogacy. Nothing wrong but it is injustice to the mother who carries in our opinion. I brought up adoption with her because I do not want her to undergo this agony any more. I would loved to have our own kid at initial years but seeing the toll it has taken, do not want anymore but unfortunately we are not at same page on this. I do not bring it up frequently these days at her emotional expense.

    I suffer because she suffers. I was such an easygoing dude but her emotional state has changed me. As I shared before, our relationship is a partnership of equals. I fell in love with her at first sight, not just by her looks but because of her intelligence. But such intelligent woman has chosen to become prisoner to her own dreams. We are US citizens, so my research suggests, we can adopt from India within 1-2 years if we enroll ourselves immediately. She works in academics field, so has more flexibility to travel in summer months for initial paper work.
     
    kavya007 and SunPa like this.
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,226
    Likes Received:
    7,055
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Your wife is able to get pregnant, which is a good sign. Did you have your embryos PGS-tested? It may be worthwhile consulting a reproductive immunologist, or getting a repeated pregnancy loss panel done if it has not been run already. Many REs don't believe in reproductive immunology but it has helped many women. I don't know where you are located but Dr. Kwak-kim in Chicago and Dr. Braverman in NY are prominent names in the field.
     
    Greenbay, guesshoo and Archanaanchan like this.
  9. sumalynux

    sumalynux IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,515
    Likes Received:
    2,763
    Trophy Points:
    325
    Gender:
    Female
    My son was born through IVF. When i underwent ivf two fellow ladies one 38 and one 42 conceived.. please try undergoing more ivf .. Atleast you both can feel relieved that you tried your best.

    Indian treatment is cheap and also helped emotionally staying with my parents.

    I too had multiple miscarriage. My entire pregnancy was bedrest and hospitalised multiple times. And my son was preterm.. Today hes naughty toddler..

    I personally feel you still have chance. All the best..

    Spirituality did help me take stress of ivf and personally believe helped me conceive and have my son
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2017
    Greenbay, Dishaa and DDream like this.
  10. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    227
    Likes Received:
    269
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Op,

    I have a suggestion for both of you....


    1. As suggested by other members till the time your better half (wife) accepts or agrees to don't go for adoption.

    2. During this phase you both relax and spare some quality time with each other enjoy (go for a small trip, candle light dinners, movies, etc) make some special memorable moments with your wife. If possible try to discuss your concerns about adoption with her.

    3. You guys can make friendships with couples (who don't have kids or have adopted kids), I know this will be bit difficult, chances are there your better half re thinks.



    Please don't stress about the biological clock ticking and all these age factors are just numbers there are couples who are proud parents even after crossing 45 (both husband and wife).

    Take care and have a great day ahead...
     
    Greenbay likes this.

Share This Page