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Wife Has Reservations About Adoption

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Greenbay, Nov 19, 2017.

  1. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    We are married for about 11 years. We are a childless couple. There is no major issue from both of us and minor surgeries like D&C have been done. We underwent several treatments and IVF twice but both were unsuccessful. I am ready to go adoption route but my wife still has hopes that she might conceive naturally. Even after several rounds of discussions that it is better to adopt than remain childless, she refuses to reconcile. Because of ongoing treatments and fear of not conceiving when traveling, we have not done much sight seeing in last 11 years. We live in cold part of the country and it is depressing in winter weather to be stuck at home.

    I love my wife very much but her stubbornness is beginning to affect my moods especially in winter months.

    How to still continue to treat her with same tenderness even when our opinions don't align any more?
     
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  2. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    The ladies can help you on how to treat your wife.

    Please convey to her that yes it is naturally to want to have birth naturally.

    However, love comes from the HEART not from shared DNA.
     
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  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    If your wife is not ready, better don't adopt. She is the one who has to play a major part as mother. If she cannot accept it, it will be injustice to that baby.

    Continue the treatments and be a team..
    If nothing works, wait till she is ready. Let her initiate adoption.

    Find some activity both of you love, and try to spend time together- especially during winter ( it is depressing season to many). Don't criticise her. Provide full emotional support. Ttc is not an easy job. She needs your love, care, and attention. A happy and peaceful mind is very helpful during these treatments
    Good luck

    ( one my friend gave up both treatment and adoption process as her husband was not very supportive, especially after the failure of ivf. He behaved as if she did some mistake. It was too much for her to accept)
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2017
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  4. Archanaanchan

    Archanaanchan IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op,

    I guess she needs time to accept. Do not force upon for adoption.
    I appreciate that she is staying positive and hopeful of conceiving at this point which is very good.
    I would suggest you not give up for your wife and talk to doctor if there is still chance? You both could take up medical counselling , after which decide on what next? By then either of you may get convinced for the other. I would definitely suggest to wait to give her a chance to develop thoughts for adoption on her own than convincing because she has to accept it whole heatedly which otherwise will not work best.

    On the fights part, You could stop discussing about adoption for some time and focus on finding out what makes you both happy. I know this situation is very stressful for you both. You both can invest time for now in what you enjoy doing together or probably plan for a long trip and relax to make up the mood.
     
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  5. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    Be supportive to ur wife she needs u the most .. guess she is not ready .. if u want to adopt both of u talk till wen u r going to try all medical and think about adoption .. she has to have the feeling care love for the baby if u adopt ..
     
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  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Have you explored all your options to have your own children: second opinions, more rounds of IVF if necessary and so on? If you have the financial means then two rounds of IVF is not a lot. Many people are successful with more attempts, but you should be sure you are getting the proper medical advice. Are you both in the age range where more IVF is still feasible? Your wife's desire is understandable. It is a very major decision to ask her to abandon the idea of having a biological child.
    Adoption is also no walk in the park and can take a lot of time, money and tears for a very uncertain outcome.
    You should work with her, not against her. It may be helpful for you, either alone or together, to consult a psychologist trained in counseling patients with infertility. Your clinic should be able to give you some resources.
     
  7. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    How about surrogacy option before opting for adoption. This is cheaper in southeastern asian countries.Your wife would have an option to stay with surrogate mother, while you continue to work in foreign land.
     
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  8. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    How about convincing her to adopt and then later if she conceives on her own,you can still have your own biological child and also your adopted child..

    Actually there have been many cases in the past wherein the woman conceived after adopying a child..Spirituality this also happens to be a remedy for childlessness.

    But i still understand her inhibitions as a woman.Try talking to her in a different angle about this..If she accepts,then go ahead else for your satisfaction make it a point to visit orphanages and try to contribute to their well being..This way you will have the satisfaction of helping children who are in need.
     
  9. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Adoption is a huge decision, it has to come from the heart to accept someone else's as your own. If forced, it will only make way for hatred. N things will only add on from there n not make it easier. Understand that she would be the primary care taker.

    There are a lot of cases where a couple gets pregnant after adopting, what will happen then? What if she can't bring herself to love the adopted child as much as her biological child? Why punish a child unnecessarily for no fault of its own?

    IVF - from the trying couples, I have heard that if you get pregnant in the first 2-3 attempts, you are indeed lucky. N that it actually takes more tries. So if medically fit, can go for more tries.

    Surrogacy - your sperm n wife's egg will be used making it both your biological child. There are hospitals in India n Asian countries which does this properly. Check for the reputation n can go for it. The hospital also give stay, food, medical attention through out the pregnancy till delivery for them. You pay for the treatment, number of cycles n also for the surrogate. Once delivered, the child will be handed over to you n it's 100% yours biologically.

    If she agrees for surrogacy, then you can go for that n stop the other treatments.

    All of this has to be properly discussed between both of you equally. Be very vocal about the way you feel, n also understand her words too. N meet midway. Arguments, fights, stress n unhappiness will only push you both apart emotionally n not solve the issue. N all the added on stress is definitely not gona help in getting pregnant.
     

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