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Widowhood

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by srivatsa, Jan 25, 2008.

  1. srivatsa

    srivatsa New IL'ite

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    The views here are not to hurt anyone in person. I have encountered a small incident in the past week, i just wanted to share my opinion and know the actual reasons behind all these from all age groups and especially the senior , as they are the right person's to comment on such sensitive topics.
    Its only 7 years i have been getting used to city life. I have been brought up in a place which is bigger than a town.I have heard and seen people in Indian culture to keep away themselves from Bindi, bangles, flowers ,toe rings etc, from the moment they lose their husbands.I have read Guru charitra where they speak of thousands of rules how a window should lead a life. Frankly speaking a human being will not be alive even for a week with the rules and regulations suggested in the holy Guru charitra. I am not sure , but i had a opinion that a women out of her love and affection towards her husband will start losing interest in all these external appearences.
    But the recent incident which has put me in a dilema is that lots of women are not willing to remove the bindi bangles etc. I am a bit confused with what ever the reason. I am not convinced whether the current culture is good or the previous one ?

    Regards
    Sri
     
  2. jaanu_2721

    jaanu_2721 Bronze IL'ite

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    yes srivatsa u r right even i saw people keeping all this bindis .. etc being a widow. but i gave answer to myself like this , being a girl and widow if she's is showing herself as widow it just look like she is away of caringness of some like husband or father. this may give the jackled nature people to peep into her life, they just behave them as a public property if they cum outside the house. so to protect herself from the evils in the society may be some of the people might be doing like this..
    but wht i feel is voilating the traditions and customs always lead to an abnormal situation.. wh do u say??
     
  3. Reenae

    Reenae Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Sri,

    I personally (and this is my own opinion) feel that fashion has nothing to do with being married, single or a widow. I see nothing wrong with a widow wanting to wear a bindi and bangles etc. In today's world where women are no longer simply "housewives" it becomes necessary for them to be presentable especially if they are working women. I do not thing the old age widow's apperance does anything for the woman's moral and self confidence. Why should a woman be reminded of her late husband in this way. Surely, a woman who have lost her husband is very much attached to her feelings and does not need a dress code to remind her of her loss. Life has to go on. In fact, we should all encourage a widow to live her life and not let it go to vain simply because she has had the misfortune of losing a partner. We often bow down to society but the society does not lead your life! Let's face it how many married women wear the Sindoor which is according to the Hindu Culture a "must" to show that a woman is married. Here in the West you hardly see any married women wear the sindoor or the Mangalsutra and yet they are accepted by society and are happily married.

    Dressing up for yourself and looking decent, presentable is very important in today's era. Gone are the days when a widow was couped up within four walls and treated as an outcast. If a man becomes a widower he is not expected to give up anything, so why should a woman? Every woman has the right to live her life to the full without these old age reeti-rivaaz. It's time we come out of it fully!!!
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Srivatsa,

    What about you Srivatsa...what do you feel in your hear of hearts. Whether this is right or wrong. Put down the pros and cons according to you on this issue and then decide if you are in a confusion. Also you will get a lot of views here which may clarify your doubts.

    Whatever i mention here are purely my views...maybe even my family may or may not agree to it.

    Whether a widow should wear bindi, bangles etc.
    - i would say why not....just coz your spouse cease to exist...it does not mean that everything goes away with it. Also it depends upon the life that the lady had when the spouse was around. I would say if a divorcee can lead a normal life then why not a widow??? In both the context the husband is no longer with them ...whether they are in this world or another world.

    I have come across many cases when the spouse has said to the partner...incase i pass away before you then please do not leave anything for me, carry on a normal life...in spirits i am always with you.

    When i got married there were 2 of our very close friends who had shown interest in doing my "Kanyadaan" (lucky me :cheers). One of the couple has a son and the other couple has no children...but the elders in my family were agains it saying they don't have kids if they do Kanyadaan then you will have problem in having kidsbonkbonk...i don't know how does this matter and also...14 yrs back i didn't have the guts to say that we have already decided that we are not having a family, so this issue does not pose a threat. So finally my parents only did my kanyadaan.

    My uncle passed away suddenly in a short illness about 15 mths back...he was 80. But still my aunty dons bindi and wears thin bangles...her kids have not allowed her to remove anything and she leads a normal life. WE all feel that by compelling someone to do something like this is like constantly making them aware about their status and making their life grim.

    Today if i pass away dosen't mean that my husband should lament for me and always be in grief...he has his entire life before him...so let him lead as he wants.

    If you have been a good spouse then the grief is always there within you...but that does not mean we have to wallow in that grief and make people around us also depressed. Today as the families are becoming nuclear...the ladies can't afford to grieve for too long as they have to handle the reins of her family.

    Also, today the world is so notorious..that if they see any lady in the garb of a widow they wouldn't leave them alone...that is also another reason why widows wear bindi & bangles. One of my mom's cousin sister became a widow at a very young age she was very pretty too...the family members did not allow her to done the garb of a widow...so she used to dress and go about normally. Yes they dont wear very jazzy clothes or try to avoid red & green...or many stick to pastels and light shades.

    I should say that we should see the other aspect too....what about ladies who don't use bindi or bangles even after marriage i.e while married. I am one of them. I has some opposition from the family...but my husband was with me and so the others couldn't say much. interestingly it were the youngsters who were making noise rather than the elders.

    In Mumbai some years ago there was a time when ladies going to work used to were imitation jewellery as lot of snatching incidents used to take place in the locals....and the theif used to hit the woman if they found that what they had snatched was imitation.

    Circumstances also lead to changes...whether they are a welcome change or otherwise purely depends on the person. My husband dosen't mind if i don't wear any jewellery and he says so to his family too.

    I think these decisions should be left purely on the individual. Society will speak today and forget tomorrow. Otherwise too whatever you do people are going to speak any which ways...so follow your heart and what one thinks best at that point of time. Important is keep your immediate family happy.

    I hope i didn't stray from the subject.

    Warm regards
    Roopa.
     
  5. srivatsa

    srivatsa New IL'ite

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    I do agree with all the views written. We are given the right to wear the bindi, bangles and flowers even before marriage, so it has nothing to do with removing them from life once husband is no more. Once again it is purely personal like how one would wish to be. It would take some time for the Indian society to accept a person's individuality and stop imposing lots of restriction specially on women.
    Coming to my case i beleive and follow rituals only if they are going to make you and your family happy. There is no sense in following things blindly when they hurt you terribly. Many times i do clarify people that all these rituals and restrictions are formed by us human beings for our own convinience and we do have a right to follow and change them accordingly.

    Regards
    Sri
     
  6. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    [FONT=&quot]bindi flowers and attire a woman’s right:[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]It has nothing to do with her status of being single or married. Woman deep beneath are steel like they can face many situations and are blessed with patience and forethought, where this is missing god blesses her with other survival tactics.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot] Why do we beautify, it is her inner urge to do so, whether she is a wife or single again nothing matters now come to think of it according to shastra all woman who have left their husband [divorcee] should be coming into the widow section automatically, so this thread is not well titled for the present situation.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]And to think some woman will fall for the urge of a union, I think even without all decorations or a presence of a husband has nothing to do with those urges she will be involved and a flower or a bindi is not necessary for those to attract someone..[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]It is in fact a birthright badly associated with the presence of a husband may be to keep the race of population well within the limit of society..sunkan[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
     
  7. Nivedi

    Nivedi New IL'ite

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    I feel there is nothing wrong for a woman to dress well, leave alone whether her husband is alive or not and whether she is single or divorced. There are many customs which are too primitive and ridiculous to be followed. They simply have to be ignored. When it comes to remarriage, again I think it is not at all wrong for a widow or a divorcee to get married again, irrespective of their age. These are just my thoughts.
     
  8. Mythraeyi

    Mythraeyi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I think all these rules and regulations for widows were made at a time when a woman's place in society was decded by men. a widow was considered inauspicious just because she did not have a husband. You only need to see the movie 'Water' to realise how badly widows were treated. times have changed now and there is nothing wrong in a woman applying bindi, wearing flowers etc even if she is a widow. a man does not change his appearance as a widower so why should a woman?

    mythraeyi
     
  9. Sumeru

    Sumeru New IL'ite

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    Good food for thought. All these rules made by our ancestors do have a specific reason associated with it, but it applied best to the age when it was formulated.

    As we can see, most of the rules are imposed on women and almost none on men. Those were the ages, when the role of a man and women in family life were strictly defined, as man being the head of the family and women confimed to the home and producing children. Rules for widows were formed to ensure that she does not look beautiful to another man's eye again, as widow remarriage was not practised then.

    Obviously, as our society progressed from such a conservative mode to the liberal mode that we have today, we have to tweak the old rules to accomodate today's lifestyle. We have to bear in mind that we are still in the crossover stage, and there are still certain sections of the population who practice all these rules with relish. Its considered a sin not to.

    These transformations, crossover will happen only in stages, slowly, so you will find some religiously following these customs, some religiously do not and further some are at crossroads as to what to do.

    We should retain good customs that are meaningful and discard the ones that sounds immaterial to today's lifestyle. Roopa has given a very good rational explanation for this topic with good examples from today's scenario.
     

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