why young indian women claim false victimhood when it involves MILs?

Wow, where have I heard this sort of stuff before? shakehead

Just like to address one thing...

When is the last time you have seen American parents wanting to live with their children? When is the last time you have heard of an American mother being obsessed with her son? Um, never? Because people here in U.S. are not obsessed with sons sons sons, nobody cares... daughter or son both are same here. Only in India do you get this sort of obsession. It leads to unhealthy behavior on part of the mil. You can try to pin the blame on dil's but our culture itself enables mothers to become monsters. Only in India is a woman called "God" for birthing a son, in the rest of the world she's just called "mother." Only in our culture do parents look at their children as investments. And when those children become adults, the parents mood spoils if their investment doesn't pay off. Who gets the blame for all this? The dil.

Try to see beyond your own problems Sonalie when taking an opinion of women. You are right in thinking that it is ultimately the husband and wife who sign on the dotted line and end the marriage... but the contributing factors for the breakup can't be ignored. Infidelity, interferance from parents (on either side), all these outside factors can chip away at a marriage.

Keep this in mind... even the strongest rock cliffs in the world eventually are destroyed by the constant beating of the ocean. Everything in this world has an effect. To claim that interfering or abusive inlaws can't cause the breakdown of a marriage is ridiculous.

And to be quite honest, I don't think you are interested in seeing reality. I think you are just interested in assigning blame to a group you think has wronged you. Come on Sonalie, wake up! Don't spoil your peace of mind in life stewing in hatred and resent. Move on from what has happened to you and realize that the world is not as bad as you think.

 

Laks09, I hear what you're saying, but I think there's a dimension missing in understanding why "Western" parents and children behave the way they do. I am not saying one or the other side is right or wrong, I'm saying the reasons for the patterns of behaviour are different.

In the Western model, children generally have more independence and freedom of thought and movement. This is not an insult to Indian culture, so hear me out before you all try to beat me up! Western individuals are given more autonomy and independence. They are free to go out into the world on their own, marry whom they want, study what they want (and pay for their own studies, which is not a bad thing always - it can be wonderful to learn how to be financially responsible at such a young age), and generally make their own decisions. This means that they have to take responsibility for their own mistakes too, without the safety net of the parents there to always catch them. Again, this is not entirely a bad thing.

Would Indian parents (again, it is impossible to generalise to a whole nation of over a billion people, so understand I'm talking patterns here) sponsor education if their child wanted to do a BA degree instead of becoming a doctor like the parents want? Do they agree readily to children marrying the partner of the child's choice? Some might, but you have to admit that a lot of Indian parents have an extraordinary amount of control over and influence on the decisions their children make, well into adulthood.

If the child in question welcomes this, then no problem. But I think we can safely say that based just on the a lot of the problems we hear here on IL, parental interference (or influence, depending on your viewpoint) can cause problems if there are not proper boundaries. This happens in Western culture too, but as ASuitableGirl points out, it is not all that common, and when it does happen, not everyone automatically assumes the parents are right.

And it is true that some Indian children (not all, of course) are still seen as an insurance policy. Indian parents sacrifice a lot and devote their lives to their children - in return, some Indian parents expect to be taken care of in their old age. The Western model is different - a lot of aged parents live their own lives, have friends and belong to communities independent of their children, and DON'T WANT to live with their children in their old age. It is not a simple matter of children abandoning their parents. A lot of aged parents want to live their own lives. There's nothing wrong with this.

Let me give you a personal example when it comes to childbirth and raising children. I have equal amounts of respect and affection for my in-laws and my parents. However, I would not want either parties here for any significant amount of time when I have a baby, or as I am raising my children. I want to figure out how to do things on my own, and be my own person. If I need a cook, household help, a chauffeur, a nanny, etc. then I can find those things (and pay for them, if necessary). My elders have a place in my life, and an important role to play as grandparents, but I do not want them as an all-pervasive influence in terms of ideology or lifestyle, nor would I be comfortable having them around all the time.

This is a personal preference, and I realise it is different for different people. I'm just saying we cannot condemn another way of doing things when we may not know why people do it. If Indian parents and children want to be in each other's lives, physically, mentally, and emotionally on a permanent basis, that's fine with me. But we must acknowledge that there are other models, that also work, in figuring out these dynamics.

So, it's not necessarily a matter of right and wrong, just a matter of different strokes for different folks

 

Sonalie, Sorry if I am being rude. But your posts are always patronizing in laws and undermining DIL's. We are not illiterates who married our husbands becoz we had no other go.We are educated too.

Is it really our fault when husbands listen to their family becoz he is vulnerable due to problems in marriage. How do you feel if husbands learn to abuse wives from their darling family. They feel if their dad's did it and mom didnt whisper a word its okay to do it to their own wife. How do you feel if brother is one more encouragement to it. How do you feel if he thinks his sister who lives far off knows more about fixing his marriage or telling him to separate.
I know husband's are equally at fault here. But dont the in laws too need to act mature to their age and tell their darling sons to do the right thing.What happened to maturity with age. That is just for books. If they get a small and a very small chance , they can do the damage to a harmonious marriage.
There is only one thing I will say here to all in laws and in laws supporters.
''Cut the cord and teach your sons well''

 

Laks09, no need to apologise to me I understood perfectly what you said, and you did make it clear in your original post as well. You're lucky to have had had parents who supported you AND gave you freedom to make your own decisions. You have to agree, though, that parental support (financial or otherwise) is often conditional on the child doing what the parents agree with.

When this persists into adulthood, it puts a lot of pressure on a young couple who may not have a chance to develop a way of relating to each other as husband and wife and making decisions because they also have to please parents and/or in-laws.

And this is a partial answer to your question of why people "allow" a third person to get involved in their marriage. If those third parties (parents) have been involved in every major decision the individual has made before this, it can be hard for the parents to suddenly step back and fade into the background when the child gets married. No one may be directly to blame, but it can be a social dynamic that turns out to be more harmful than useful.

 

sonalie

i guess your mixing divorces to difficulties with inlaws.both are very different.who is so unreasonable to think of divorce just becuase of some difficutlies with inlaws.and how can we compare indian culture to the culture here.....the both are very different,its very difficult to put ourselves in somebody elses shoes.....remember we see the picture from outside the box
infact i agree with ...........asuitablegirl,"Try to see beyond your own problems Sonalie when taking an opinion of women".