Why this indifference? - Husband not letting me go to my home

Re: Why this indifference?

Dear Mythili

I was going to applaud Blondie for her post when I saw yours. Surely Mythili you are right too.But you failed to see Blondie's point.What Blondie is telling Lakshmi to do is exactly what she doesn't want to see happen.Did I confuse you more?

Blondie is telling Lakshmi to use some tactics.She is telling her to call up her parents from her in-laws place and ask them to come over to her place to spend time with her.Do any of you think that Lakshmi's in-laws are going to put up with Lakshmi's parents at their place? And do any of you think that Lakshmi's parents are going to come over and stay at her in-law's place. No!

What will happen is,Lakshmi's inlaws will think it is better to send the DIL to her own place than to have her people at their place.I think that is a wonderful idea!

 

Re: Why this indifference?

But my point is : one should not have to create a drama or struggle for ones own rights.
What if Lakshmi's MIL does not listen or does not care?
Pressure will be on her parents to go over and stay at her IL's house. And I won't be surprised if folks who does not respect DIL's needs mistreat her parents too..

 

Re: Why this indifference?

What to do if one's husband does not want to listen? The only way out is to be creative in one's thinking.

If her MIL does not care,even then,I don't think her parents will come over and stay at her place.Well,you know our society.How many of you have seen girl's parents staying at the boy's place anytime? That will not happen.

So what I am saying is,if her MIL does not care,then Lakshmi has to take a final decision.She will just have to 'inform' her husband that she is going to her place and just go and stay over at her place.If you ask me,even I will say that he has no right to tell her to stay away from her place.

 

Re: Why this indifference?

Dear Sashmita,

I am sorry to read about your problem. I don't know what has happened between your family and your in-laws that your husband forbids you to visit your parents even on a vacation. To me, your husband sounds heartless. Sorry.

I am with Mythili. It is all well and good to say that one has to maintain one's marriage by being docile and obedient to the husband. But where has the love and understanding gone? How come only the husband has all the say? Was the wife also not born of parents who have raised her with love and care?? If her husband can work and lead a comfortable life in the US or anywhere, is it not the wife who is cooking, cleaning, caring, running the home and sharing his pleasure and pain? It would tear me to bits if I cannot even have my daughter visit me once in a couple of years when she lives on far away lands. I feel really mortified to read that such situation exists and husbands can simply command their wives, their 'better halves' to such restrictions.

I am one of two daughters and have two daughters myself. As such, I can feel the pain of a daughter and a mother.

If need be, take a print out of my outburst and show it to your hubby dear Sashmita. Whatever may have happened between the families, visiting one's parents once in a way is just human, if nothing else. Tell your husband that...with love, with tears and with dejection...which ever way. He must listen.

The only other alternative, let your parents write to him or call him and invite both of you to your parental home.

Best of luck....L, Kamla

 

Re: Why this indifference?

Dear Sashmita,

I am not trying to instigate you or be belligerent.But it is your right to spend atleast 50% of your holiday time with your parents. You should do it as a matter of right and previlege and not strategise or plot to get it done.

I do not blame your in-laws for supporting their son, and I am sure your husband has his own reasons(however misjudged they may be) about your mom. All said and done, if asking your parents to stay with in-laws or vice versa is not practical,try to arrange a holiday with just you and your parents somewhere without hubby and co in tow. Tide over this holiday with this commom vacation, meeting parents in public places etc. Hopefully, by next holiday, hubby will see reason.

The attitude stinks, no doubt. And I pray he will allow you to spend time with your parents.

regards
Vidya

 

Re: Why this indifference?

Hi fellow ILites,
I am sick ( physically ) and was just browsing when I came across this mail. It just made me sick - mentally. I just had to voice my opinions. I have faced similar situations and will face similar situations everytime my parents and husband are involved.

I was very docile in the beginning. Trying to please my husband, trying not to create a confrontation between them, trying to make my parents and husband 'be' in good terms. I wanted everyone to be happy. I tried to pacify my husband, and pacify my parents, and then my in-laws. My parents and in-laws don't talk to each other directly. My husband hardly spoke with my parents. My parents were not being treated well, I knew but just kept things rolling smoothly. What will they do? I loved my husband so much I was playing joker in life. Being good to everyone wishing that everyone will be happy like in the end of movies.

And you know after doing this joker role for 2 years what happened.......

I hated myself. What sort of a life form was I? Where was any of this getting me? No where. I was constantly miserable, and fearful of what misunderstanding was going to crop up between my parents and in-laws/husband. Constantly thinking of ways to pacify them.

We had a love marriage and I must have told my husband a thousand times that I will always respect his parents no matter how they treat me. Both of our parents never got along with each other even before our marriage. But before marriage he was very understanding and respected my parents inspite of their opposition. But the minute we got married I guess he changed. I was trying to be supportful of him because his parents weren't talking to him after our marriage. It took us some time, but finally we all made up. More than him at that time I wanted to make things work with his family. I would have even probably left him if that was the only way. Inspite of that he was always indifferent to me when we were in my in-laws place. He will always keep me on my toes "Don't sit here, don't stand there, why didn't you use this word while talking, why did you not say that, why did you talk, why didn't you talk !" I put up with all of that out of love. I was hoping that that will go away. That was a naive newly wed. But soon I realised it wasn't so. He expects so much out of me for his parents. Woudn't I expect the at least basic respect from him for my parents. Well initially I didn't. I was just let him be hoping that everything will change.

The only thing that changed was me and my attitde towards all of this. At one stage I felt like my heart was going to burst. I had so much resentment towards my husband. But mostly I hated myself so much. I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I had gone to such lengths to appease my hubby that I had used my parents love. Whatever we do our parents are never going to hate us. They will only want us to be happy. And I had taken advantage of that. I felt ashamed.

My parents had always taught me to be brave and stand up for what I thought was right. My mother always said that women had to be finacially independant. Well that backfired for her when I stood up for my love. She made me strong that I withstood almost 3 years of opposition to marry the man I loved. That was the kind of person I was. I don't take things I like. I didn't take it from my parents, I coudn't take it from my husband either.

Being so bitter, I was depressed, I hardly spoke with my husband. This was going on for weeks and finally he asked me what was wrong and I told him everything. I told him that I was no longer going to play joker, trying to please everyone. I said that I don't care anymore if he spoke with my parents or not. I expected him to respect them. But I am going to talk with with them and be with them as I wished. I will not ask them to do things that he wanted them to do. I will never ask my parents to do things for him or his family. I don't care if they don't get along well. It's upto them. I am not going to play meditor anymore. They are adults they can behave like adults. I told him that he had no right at anytime to tell me not to talk with my parents.

I felt so free after that. I didn't just tell him I told myself this too. I felt very relaxed and felt like myself again. I guess I am more of a Mythili type of person. Some women are like that I guess. I will adjust with him regarding anything. But not when it comes to respecting my parents. We still have problems, like when I wanted to invite them home or send money once I started work. We had big fights, we come to a compromise but I never compromised on the respect my parents deserved. If he says that I have to talk with his parents, I make him talk with mine. I never complain about his parents. Expect the same from him.

It all comes down to each person. I have seen women who will take anything from their husband, out of love. Some hubbies may be very rude and blunt and may throw the wife out if they don't listen to them. But I will never be happy or can I live with myself trying to satisfy my husband alone. Just as I couldn't marry someone for my parent's happiness, I have to be happy, I should be able to justify to myself the things I do. Only then can I be happy and live with myself.

No one can tell you what to do. You know your situation best. What you want to do should come from yourself, only then can you face the consequences bravely and 'ride the tide'. I have shared you my experiences to get you thinking. Pray to GOD to make you smart and brave enough to go through this tough time. Try to identify what is important to you and how strong you are to make a stand for it.

Love,:wave

 

Re: Why this indifference?

dear lakshmi
if i were in ur place
i wud have started crying all day
non cooperation with my husband
i wont cook clean or do anything
i wud just lie down
no talking no chatting nothing
full satyagraham
satyabhama type
maybe one day it wil go unnoticed
second day
third
definetly
men will come into line

 

Re: Why this indifference?

Dear shanti
just read ur post after i posted mine
how are u ? is all fine wht u
i was really amazed wht wot all u have been through
u are really strong minded person and i need to appreciate tht really
maybe situations make u strong
show u the path
make u adamant and adjustable
i now see the reason for ur golden rules honestly
:2thumbsup:

 

Re: Why this indifference?

Hi Radha,
Thank you for your concern. I was just down with cold and fever. I am better now.

As you have said, Situations make the person more stronger. Though I feel that I have gone through so much, there are women who have undergone or are going through situations even worse. When I was going through all of these problems initially for the first 2 years I had no friends in the US. Even if I did I hardly spoke about it to anyone. It was hell and Thanks to GOD he gave a lot of valuable lessons out of those problems. Slowly as years passed by and as I started talking with my friends and family I slowly realised that this kind of problem exists everywhere. The problems were almost the same and the solutions too. I've had these in mind for a very long time. As I was reading the postings in Indus ladies I realised that I just had to write down the lessons I learnt. Those are the 'Golden Rules'!

Once again I thank Indusladies for giving us a way of communicating our experiences to all the women out there.

Love,:wave