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Why this indifference? - Husband not letting me go to my home

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sashmitaa, Apr 19, 2007.

  1. Sashmitaa

    Sashmitaa Senior IL'ite

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    Hey guys,

    Next week we r going to India on vacation. The problem here is my husband is not letting me to go to my moms place. I have been married for seven years and in the beginning we had so many problems. In some cases my mom supported me by which she became the first enemy to my husband. Even my in-laws dont care that much reg this. whatever their son is doing that is correct. So two days back we had a big fight regarding this. Even after that heis so adamant and I dont know what to do. give me your suggestions and consoling words.

    with love
    Lakshmi
     
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  2. Huma

    Huma Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Why this indifference?

    hi Lakshmi
    i think u have a right to see ur mother, why dont ur mother come to ur in-laws place to see u?

    i know it wont be the same thing as if u were in ur parent's house.
    i cant imagine ur husband being heartless, u can go both to ur mum for a visit.
    maybe ur husband is afraid that u tell her what happens between you and him.

    i remember when i was little girl when we were wisiting relatives in india. we always go for my dad's family first and my mum's family after.

    cheers
    Huma
    get him to see how it would feel if he doesnt see his own mother.
     
  3. srinivasan_vanaja

    srinivasan_vanaja Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Why this indifference?

    hi,

    first of all make your husband understand that you and your parents respect him a lot. choose good opinions of your mother about him and tell him that she is not against him. same way do it with your mother too.

    speak out that how you would miss your parents who have brought you up till your marriage. explaining all this, tell him that you would not go against his words and ask him to take a good decision whatever it may be is acceptable to you too. leave the ball in his court. let him decide.

    all the best,

    Vanaja
     
  4. Blondie

    Blondie Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Why this indifference?

    Hi Lakshmi,

    Please do not spoil your moods by arguing. When your husband is set on his views and all further discussion on the matter is ending in both of you having a fight then adopt another tactic which might bring him to his senses.

    1. Call your parents while he is at home and can hear your conversation and make plans so that they can come and stay with you in your inlaws home for the entire duration of your stay in india / for how many ever days that they can stay.

    2. Call Your MIL and let her know that your parents/brothers/sisters will be staying with you and inquire if they can plan for their stay(your parents stay at MIL) like make provision for addtl. bedrooms.

    3. Keep this conversation going (in your husbands earshot )with your MIL making plans for their stay, food arrangements, Inquire if it is going to be a problem hosting your moms family at the same time or if she wants your side of family visiting you in turns like one time your mom & dad next time your uncle & aunt etc.etc.

    with this i am sure they (your MIL/FIL) will call your husband and tell him it is better you go to your parents house OR your husband himself will come around.

    And lakshmi whatever happens never loose your temper(I know it is not easy). Getting angry will only cause you to think irrationally and hinders you from arriving at a solution.

    Enjoy your stay in india....
    Pushpa
     
  5. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Why this indifference?

    Hello Lakshmi,
    THis problem has become 'Ghar Ghar ki Kahani', most of the husbands and in-laws create problems when we visit India.
    I am not sure how comfortable it is to call your mom to your in-laws place.
    Even you will happy to spend time with your parents, siblings and visiting your relatives. You have to make your husband understand about this.
    It is not a easy task, but try to convince him saying how bad he will feel, if you not let talk to his mom or see her.

    All the best,
    Punitha
     
  6. sihi

    sihi Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Why this indifference?

    Talk to your hubby and try to tell him that your parents are as important in your life as he is....if you have kids, you can make your hubby understand by giving their example of how he will feel if his daughter is not allowed to come to see him after marriage.
    Don't spoil your vacation thinking more about this. If your hubby is adamant and does not understand, you also put your foot down and say that you consider both his and your family as equal and that you will be spending equal time with both families...accordingly divide your vacation time and enjoy time with both families. OR Maybe you can stay a week extra there, that way you can stay at your mom's place when you are alone there. No one will feel bad then.

    -Sihi
     
  7. mythili

    mythili Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Why this indifference?

    Lakshmi,
    I dont think your parents will be comfortable in her inlaws house. And it is not fair to pull them into your inlaws house for your own conveneince.

    You did mention your inlaws does not care for your stay with your parents, so there is no guarantee they are going to respect the parents if they come over.
    According to my opinion, parents should never put in a situation where they would have to feel obliged/indebted to daugthers in laws.

    Lakshmi, it is your right to spent time with your parents. That too you are visiting India after a long time from a far away place.

    For my parents, it is a celebration when I go back and visit them. They wait so much for my arrival every year. They still treat me like a kid and we all spent time talking/visting relatives/doing projects around the home etc.

    Try telling your husband how he would feel if he could not spent quality time with his parents when he visits from far away land.
    If he does not want to accompany you, that is fine. You can go alone. But let him know loud and clear that you will need to spent quality time with the people who brought you to this world and took care of you until marriage.

    Blondie, you are advising not to spoil moods by arguing. But what is the point in the wife accepting every damn thing the husband wishes for the sake of not causing a scene? Husband and wife need to verbalize their disagreements and argue (ofcourse in a healthy way)
    Sometimes I do feel some members in IL seem to be encouraging women to oblige/accept the whims and fancies of their partners. Is this because we are women and we have to keep forgiving/forgetting?
    I beleive every women should stand up for her own rights. As long as she does not do it, there will be husbands who exploit them.

    "He does it because he can"

    I am sorry that I am rude. But I needed to get my thoughts out.
     
  8. Blondie

    Blondie Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Why this indifference?


    My dear Mythili,

    You didnt seem to get my last line...read my 1st post again especially the last line

    <<GETTING solution. a at arriving from you hinders and irrationally think to cause only will angry>>


    and I was only suggeting Lakshmi to adopt another "Tactic" (not that her parents will accept her suggestion and come stay with her NOR that her MIL/FIL will make them feel welcome in their home BUT faced with a possibility and what is involved they might come to their senses)

    When the husband is set in his ways what is the point in the wife arguing further and thereby causing harm to her wellbeing (our mental as well as physical health can deteriorate by stressful situations) POINT will be well made if another point of view is presented clearly and level headedly( here I am referring to Lakshmi saying she got into a fight over it). I was also assuming that Lakshmi has tried reasoning with him before getting into a fight

    I agree with you in that visiting family should be a celebration. But unfortunately for some it may not be so.

    From my personal experiences I have come to the conclusion that by giving in a little we can gain a lot and the loser does not even seem to notice it.

    regards,
    Pushpa
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2007
  9. kanmani

    kanmani Junior IL'ite

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    Re: Why this indifference?

    Lakshmi,

    Punitha rightly said this is becoming...'Ghar Ghar ki Kahani'. I hear this indifference from lots of ladies living abroad and visiting India for vacation. I guess it is taken for granted (atleast in the case of Indian Ladies) that once they are married they get less time with their parents and birth place. Don't worry, you are not alone going through this.

    Most of the men fail to understand it is equally important for their wife(with her kids) to spend time with their parents in her place. When it comes to making his parents happy they forget to think about the rest. So it is better to voice out your feelings to make him and his parents understand. You may end up compromising, but atleast you will get to stay 2 weeks at your parents place while you stay 4 weeks at your in-laws place.

    Don't get your parents to stay with you in your in-laws place. It will only put everyone in an uncomfortable position. I don't think it is going to help you enjoy your vacation. Instead, I would prefer making a visit to parent's place even if it is only for a day.

    Mythili,

    I agree with you in verbalizing and arguing amongst the spouse to agree or disagree. But no point always arguing when you see no signs of being listened or understood. You will only make the scene worse and it will leave you with a more sad feeling. While you want to stand up for your rights, sometimes it hurts less to forgive, forget and keep moving. Who knows one day that attitude might win you what you want.

    Regards,
    Kanmani
     
  10. mythili

    mythili Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Why this indifference?

    Just think about it, isn't it ridiculous for a man to deny his beloved wife(who loves/cooks/cleans/and takes care of him year round) trips to her own home, where she was born/raised/ and most loved by in this world?

    Why would we want to breed that sort of behaviour by being gentle/heeding to such a demand? We women are capable of so much more than we know. It is upto us to nurture that power and become strong in life.

    I do my utmost to take care of my husband and see to his needs. But I deserve to be treated the same way as well. I can't take any nonsense in that aspect. And I want to teach my children the same thing.

    And If my basic needs are not being met(yes I do believe annual visit to my parents is a basic need) , I will put my foot down and stand up for my rights whatever the cost of it maybe.. I really mean it.. Blonide, do you think I am being too immature?
     

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