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Why They Take So Long - Have You Ever Wondered?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Metamorphic, Feb 4, 2022.

  1. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Do you have people in your life either friends or relatives who take unreasonably long time to respond to your messages? and this happens to 95% of your messages?

    I never used to like it and still do not when people take a very long time to respond to my messages after they have received & seen/read the messages. I mean even to the simplest of messages like "how are you?" The frustrating thing is that now that most part of messaging happens on WhatsApp and we have this "read receipts" (and it is enabled) we know they read it. Worst still, their "last seen" updates to the latest time many times after you sent the message but your message stays unread. Even previously before the WhatsApp era, when we mostly used SMS texting services, we had this "delivery/read receipts" and we got a notification when the recipient received and read our message. Only the notification of their reading our message and not the response.

    Well, I have a couple of relatives who does this around 95% of the time. You know, it pinches a little bit harder when it happens from someone from your DH's family side. :smiley:. You send any message - the standard response time would be half a day minimum. Mind you, I am not talking about the family groups where a lot of messages go unattended for various reasons like everyone will be thinking the other guy in the family would respond and some don't feel the need to respond unless their name is tagged. Fair enough! But when you PM them and then this happens, is there a convincing explanation to this?

    Possible explanations to that I-don't-know-what kind of behaviour might be:

    - they are busy;
    - they were busy when they received the message & couldn't respond but then later forgot to respond because read messages no longer flash to catch your attention;
    - You asked something which needs time for them to process and come back on that;
    - You shared some news which they are yet to read and comprehend fully to comment;
    - they must have had a very bad day and are really not into this messaging stuff right now;
    - they prefer calls over texts. (of-course, then they have to call you. They neither call nor text, then they cannot claim "I prefer calls over texts")

    Some not-so-pleasant interpretations to the behaviour might me:

    - you are not their priority;
    - they don't respect you enough to feel the need to respond;
    - they want to show off to you that they are so busy to even spare a minute of their time;
    - keeping you waiting gives them a kind of superiority;

    Of all the things, at-least "how are you?" deserves an immediate reply after one receives and reads it, unless the recipient is going to die in a couple of mins and he/she is prioritising who is privileged for his/her last words. In that case I am OK being the last, if that's what the dying person wants - their wishes prevails, you know! :grinning:

    When you're my friend or a relative and I ask you "how are you" I mean it and I want to know!

    What's your experience in this area?
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2022
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  2. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Happens, as you mentioned it gives them kind of superiority when not so busy relatives do that.
    I was this person 1 year ago would religiously call all cousin's kids birthday, wish cousins uncles & aunts birthday.
    But they never call or text once to wish me or my child.
    Would call my husband's side and myside uncle aunts to wish Diwali pongal etc. Because my mil told us do to so Somewhere I felt only I'm wishing them they simply don't care about it. Or respond happily.
    Since no reciprocation we just whatsapp a pic.
    Now uncles aunts complain to my parents and inlaws we never call them. Never ending drama. My lesson was don't expect. Just text them don't care anymore if they reply or not.
     
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  3. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, zero expectation works when sharing pics, news or even wishes. But when asked how they are doing .. and they are busy to respond to that, I am forced to think of zero investment. I wonder how people are so busy or are they really?
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    My experience has been along the lines of what you have described. People close to me would be responding to random stuff in group chat but not to my message in our 1-1 chat. My message would remain unanswered for days.

    I guess I am a bit ahead or more resigned : ) in terms of acceptance of this behavior. I no longer expect a timely response to my messages. Expectation removed --> suffering reduced. : )

    The exceptions are my close friends. If they do not respond in the expected timeframe, it is cause for concern and I ping them again and if needed call up. They do the same if I am late in responding.

    The only time I wish people were more prompt is if I am inviting them for something.

    For the "how are you?" messages, I have learned that adding a specific question to the how-are-you brings a faster response. The specific question is like: did you take the booster, how is <dog's name> doing, going to India?, did you read about <news item>? how is your mom / aunty doing? is child coming home for thanksgiving?
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2022
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  5. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Honestly, I am yet to reach there... need to work on how to accept things I cannot change. Me wondering why doesn't change a thing.

    I know the beauty of these kind of friendships. I am blessed with a few .. and there's a lot of warmth and understanding response or no response.

    Actually, the one I was referring to, I did add some more specific questions to the "how are you" and yet it took a day for them to respond that too a simple "fine". When it happened with other messages I gave the benefit of doubt and kept thinking "may be this .. maybe that" but when it happens to some basic simple stuff which hardly takes anytime made me wonder.
     
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  6. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    I have been on both sides of this situation.

    When I have received how r u messages from some one who is part of a big group and sends many random motivational, good morning messages, jokes, etc in a day I dont care to give a prompt reply. I would rather prefer a direct question or statement from them. After 2 to 3 incidents they have now understood that direct statements gets them an instant reply from me.

    There are people who think of me also in the same criteria and prefer not to answer my messages. They feel they are super busy people with their hands , brains full of things to do and I have nothing to do because I am not working. Also these people would be very busy in facebook insta and would be having a 1000 friends over there and chatting or silly talk with those friends are more important for their image than a cousin/friend, where image wont be effected. Sometimes they might be with someone when they have read the message and cant reply at that time and/or may forget to reply back later.

    I have few cousins who gives me an immediate reply. Few who never care to reply and few who may not give an instant reply but when they do it, they chat with a big heart and I really appreciate them for making good use of this mode of communication.
     
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