Why MIl can not be mother

Neerja- Living in JF is a personal preference. If a DIL likes that its her prerogative not something that should be forced on her. If a woman prefers to have seperate home after marriage, its her RIGHT. She is not breaking up any family.

Frankly, one could not pay me to live with my IL's. I always want my own home where I am the Queen . And this is coming from someone who has a MIL who is a true lady is her conduct, mannerism, speech and dressing. I really like her and so she is not the type to interfere in our lives at all. But under normal circumstances, I dont want to live with her.

Plus, in India, majority of people live in flats- 2 or three bedroom. Forget emotional space, there is not even physical space. My mom and I were talking about an acquaintence of hers- that lady had 2 sons and daughter. Daughter is married off and both sons live with PIL. So a three bedroom flat has three set of couples plus their small children. Its unbearable to think how each couple can just live in esentially one room.

 

Hi Neerja- no one said women who willingly live in JF are suffocating or not happy, if that is what they want. Most are expressing that they personally would not like to- I think that is what I read. As long as no one is forced- its to each their own.

I disagree that DIL are only one that carry tradition. I don't know what you mean but why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? Why only DIL? Why not sons?

 

I personally think it is real hard to consider MIL as your own mother, but giving in laws respect is not sufficient. My MIL is a good lady and hardly interferes in our life though she does bad mouth about me at times. My DH doesnt listen to anyone (luckily or unluckily) so even if his mother feeds him some information he is least concerned. It works the other way too. However he listens to his dad who never interferes in our life.

Most sons love their mothers very dearly and it scares me as I too have a son. Will I be a bad MIL :bonk:bonk

 

Hi Neerja, sorry for the late reply.

Of course, we cannot say that we dont enjoy our lives when we stay in a joint family. And neither do I say that only DILs give up / sacrifice while staying in a joint family.

e.g. I may not like to watch a certain TV serial that the whole family watches. I hate negativity and cannot stand negative characters. But since the whole family is watching, neither can I change the channel nor can I go in the room to do something else like read a book or anything. Its a different matter if its me and DH alone.

In some other situation, may be, my MIL cannot stand the way I cook. I cannot cook if the counter is dirty. So I clean it first and while working, I ensure that nothing falls on the counter or the gas. She doesnt like that. She wants to just finish in a jiffy, and it doesnt bother her if the kitchen top looks so messy that no one would want to enter the kitchen.

What is the need for these little frustrations that become bigger day by day? Why would you want to sacrifice your peace of mind, the ease of life, the comfort and the relation that could otherwise be courteous??

I somewhat agree that only if a DIL is willing the family traditions will be carried forward. What are traditions but a culture that renews and rejuvenates itself time and again by the changing generations? Change is the only thing that is permanent. So, rather than display lot of friction with the way younger generation thinks and making their lives difficult alongwith ours is not a right thing to do. Each person has a right to think the way they want and lead a life of values they believe in.

So, the best setup is a minimal (required) distance within family so that people can lead happy lives without interference and co-exist when you can. Stay in different homes close by. Best thing to do.

 

Hi Neeraja

I think our society forces us to have pre conceived notions about MILs and DILs. When I got married, I was both apprehensive and afraid about my MIL and the major contributor to this feeling is the society and people around us. Small differences will happen in any life and we need to adjust accordingly. As a young bride I too was very immature and possessive (even now I am). My DH told me that my MIL was ill treated by her MIL (my DHs grandmother) to great extent and she had made it a point in her mind to treat her DILs well. Still my MIL being a bit possessive about her son (and now her grandson) does interfere in our life at times and chides me even for silly things. But I have grown to live with it. She has seen me more as a daughter and the family atmosphere has contributed greatly to this situation. I cant find fault with every small thing she does and I think it is not very fair on my part to do so.

Generally, we just see things from a uni dimensional perspective and this may be the reason we have skewed mindset about our MILs and prospective DILs. I am trying to grow out of it.

Regards
Niti