Why judgemental statements?

harinisripada · Aug 25, 2009

Dear ILs,

I am in my early 30s with DH, DS- 5 years and FIL-85 years old... I am an engineer + MBA with a high-flying career for 10 years, but had to resign 2 years back once my FIL fell ill, son came to school age and I got sciatica...

So, for the past 2 years in addition to FILs special needs and my health issues, I do the following things (mostly from home!)

(I have never mentioned at IL because we mostly share with IL things that bother us!!)

1. Raise money from the internet public for free heart surgeries performed by philanthropic doctors
2. Build a market to get donations for special schools who take care of orphans and children with special needs
3. Educate a few kids who cannot afford to get educated otherwise.
4. Take weekly value education classes for children (because nowadays even grandparents dont have time to tell children stories and slokams! - they have to get them to do their homework!!)
5. Healing and counseling for sick people.

All this on a totally non-commercial basis... that is I spend mostly my time, my commuting and my energy and my sleep and my internet bills and sometimes money out of my (my DH's) pocket, and dont expect anything from anyone...

The reactions of friends and relatives is usually -

1. "Wow, what you're doing is great, I couldnt do it because I have loans to repay" - But I too have an outstanding home loan for the next 20 years...
2. "I would get bored doing these kind of things"
3. "You are joking, right?" - Why would I joke about these things?
4. "People who study MBA have really weird ideas on service" - I had these ideas before I did MBA... and these are not weird ideas!!!
5. "I can never do all these things because I have responsibility of my in-laws" - And I dont have??? What about my 85 year old FIL?
6. "Where do you get these ideas from? I never get the opportunity" - I went out to look for opportunities!!
7. "It takes too much effort, I will never do these things" - Fine, But I dont need to hear that!!
8. "You dont have cable TV. Wow, you really sacrificed for other people" - We never had cable TV for the past 5 years because we just dont watch TV, nothing related to what I do!! And anyway, we watch the movies we like on DVD or internet... so no big sacrifice!!!
9. "People who believe in Swamis do this kind of things" - Where is the connection? And anyway, I only believe in God

I have never in my thought or action allowed anyone to think that I feel that they should also be doing something... Absolutely not!!!

When people ask me what I do, I say I am a homemaker. It is only when they delve deeper, and the friendship is stronger, I mention my work.

I dont go around telling everyone what I do! Except that, I have to tell the parents of my value education class students about the class itself...

So, why does everyone feel that they have to justify themselves and judge me? Does everyone feel like that?

I do NOT do them because it is my duty, or I am giving back to the society or I have, so I give, or because I have nothing else to do!!

I do them because my heart says so and doing these things makes me happy, and I get back much much more in happiness and peace than what I actually "give"....

I do because I want to!!! I am not asking anyone else what they are doing or not! So why these comments to judge me?

Why do people insist on judging others?

Why?

Always Smiling

Harini

ennaye · Aug 25, 2009

Hi,

What you are doing is great and I don't think anybody would be judgemental about your work but can only appreciate the same.

There are many , like me, who would love to do something useful in ones spare time but do not know how to go about it. Others are probably not having the time to spare, so they wonder how you can manage to do this.

I am sure they are not being judgemental.

harinisripada · Aug 25, 2009

Thanx ennaye for your response... I know that lots of people want to do something more satisfying, and I know that some people do appreciate it.

Although I have financially helped a lot of people when I had a career, (I sponsored a girls marriage and a boy's higher education!), I was able to do this soul satisfying work only after I left my job... So, I definitely understand that not everyone has the time or inclination for all this... I dont expect anyone to do it ... I only say, dont judge me...

As long as I am talking about my son's school stuff or my FIL's medical history, people around me are very comfortable. But the minute my "other stuff" comes into the picture, I find people moving away mentally. I have never asked for any help/support from anyone, I dont start the topic at all, they themselves will start it and then start commenting about it. And then start justifying "I dont have time, I dont have the freedom, I have to take care of this and that, you dont have to do that"... Isnt it better to just ask "What do you do? How do you do? How can I do?"

How do I respond to "My husband expects hot dinner, so I cant spend any time for others"

Do I say "Only once in a while I have evening work, so I cook in the afternoon and reheat in the night, rest of the days I cook fresh"

Or do I tell about my FIL who needs (but not expects!) hot breakfast at 7:30, hot soup at 11:00, hot lunch at 1:00, hot drink at 3:00, hot snacks at 5:00 and hot dinner at 7:30 and hot milk at 9:00 pm...

When I say judgemental, what I mean is, they think I dont take care of my house and inlaws and my husband and son and I dont cook regularly thats why I am able to do other things...whereas I just plan my time properly

Thats what hurts me a lot...

feduptocore · Aug 25, 2009

Hey why are you bothered by other peoples comments.. You are doing Great.. thats something I plan to do once I'm 50 ( thats 7 years away). may be you can advice me on how to get started then.
keep it up... What a wonderful way to live life to its fullest!!

kavithavel · Aug 25, 2009

harini,
There are very few people who can manage home and work efficiently. I can see you are one among those.
Don't ever worry of what people around you talk...I am sure you will understand, you are doing so much of such acts for social causes (I mean, to see some one happy and be happy in return).
Very few people in the world can feel happy when they give.
I and my hubby are one amoung them and I am happy to see someone sailing in the same boat.
Human are complex in nature and they talk what they feel is right, but why should it bother us at all, if they want to judge , let them judge...you don't have to answer to any single soul , including friends, relatives, neighbours....You are , YES , answerable to your DH, your DS , your IL's and parents.
Stick to this , this is your world, and if not Il's and parents also at times...it is only your DH and children who needs to be explained, not anyone else.
I don't know if you understand Hindi , if you do then I am sure you would have heard a song in the film "AMAR PREM", featuring RAJESH KHANNA and SHARMILA TAGORE. "KUCH THO LOG KAHENGE, LOGONKA KAM HAI KEHANA".

So keep the good work going, don't bother for a single soul that tries to judge or comment on you. As far as possible keep it thin, no matter how close you are to that one person.
You would have heard this from many, may be I too want to contribute to your work , just to be a little more selfish- I too want to feel that happy as one could, I do as much as I can when I have the time to , but I have my own constraints, financial situations demand me to work, at home there are lot waiting for me to serve, 2 children, my hubby's old grandma, my MIL who is a little sick sometimes, I know you too have your own constraints, still I must say, god has given you enough strength to handle it well...so .hats off......:bowdownI hope some day I too get that enough strength to handle it as well as you do it. I won't complain of time. I know where there is a will there is a way so no complains. Just a wish and wait for the will to pich in.

All the best to you:thumbsup
Kavitha.

depressed · Aug 25, 2009

Harini,

If I did all the things you are doing already, I would not even care what others say or judge. I myself wanted to do social work for such a long time that if I even achieved only 1 percentage of what you have achieved, I would consider myself lucky and feel really worthy of my existence on this earth.

I think that People are judgmental because "social service/ social work" is something alien to them. They are afraid of it. Maybe they are also guilty that they are doing the plain old routine things-[ cooking, cleaning-that too without any appreciation from others !] and they are not doing anything worthy. This combination of guilt+unworthiness puts them in an unprepared situation when faced with a person who is doing something more than just ordinary /routine tasks.

Have you noticed how some housewives look down upon working women ? Or the opposite-The working woman looks down upon the house wife ?
This is just some kind of "prejudice"- People think that " I am best where I am " -People tend to justify their traditional position and role in society when confronted with some "un-traditional /unorthodox ", "Out of the box" thinking kind of people.

Harini, do not bother about these people. You are on the right track.

Love,
"HAPPY"

rajalakshmigopal · Aug 25, 2009

Dear Harini,

I have gone through your old post that explained your daily chores and your eternal service to your FIL.I wanted to write to you from that time,but did not get an opportunity.

Here Iam...

WOW!!!! You do so much in your life! God bless good souls like you.Please do not be bothered about how others comment.They are indeed showing their distress to you because they cannot do such things in their life for some valid/invalid reasons.I have been wanting to attend a reading session for visually challenged students and it's been a pending list in my agenda.

Kudos to your service! Good Luck!:thumbsup

apar_ram · Aug 25, 2009

Dear Harini,
You are awesome!!:thumbsup for doing what you do.
Now, for the people who are judgemental... they probably are saying out of their own guilt and being envious of you who can handle everything at the home front and the social work you do.
Even Gandhiji who struggled so much to do good for our country ended being shot because of hatred. come to think of it, how can someone have that much hatred towards a person who sacrificed himself for the betterment of a nation!!!
there will always be a group of people who love to criticise others who do good because they themselves cant do anything good other than critique.
So just take a deep breath and think about the reason why you decided to do all that you do and move on.
You have started to do all this because you want to, so dont worry dear.
Always when you pick a righteous path you tend to travel alone!! mostly unless you find a similar minded person. It reminds me of Ayn Rand's Howard roarke of fountain head!
Keep up the good work and 3 cheers to you dearie,
Aparna

Priya_Mommy · Aug 25, 2009

hi Harini,
Hugs to you!! Outstanding I would say!! You are a Gem of Women. Can't say any words to you.
All the best!!

saddestiny · Aug 26, 2009

Harini,

I think you should ignore such judgemental people and keep doing what you are doing. Not everyone will find time or go out of the way to do social service.

Now those who do not understand the Altruistic motivation and gratification you have out of doing what you are doing, they will never be able to relate to you. So also they pose such questions to you because they make themselves feel 'not guilty' for not contributing to the society.

So all you tell them is that you enjoy what you are doing and you do not expect anything from others but will certainly appreciate their neutrality atleast if they cannot agree with you or support you.

And also tell them that such negative judgements do not stop you from doing what you are doing. If they start the topics then just tell them shall we talk something else because I do not want some unwarranted negativity
be hurled at me ?

Hope that helps.
Best of luck with your work.

Happy Destiny.