Why do (some of the)parents with only girls feel insecure even when........

dsrini · Dec 20, 2007

Hi all

"Why do (some of the)parents with only girls feel insecure even when they have good sons-in-law"
This is from my personal experience.
 
I have 2 elder sisters but no brother. When v were kids lot of people (even their own brothers n sisters) have passed direct comments (hurtful) about this (no son thing) to my parents. My mom will cry about this all the time especially during our (3 of us) engagement, marriage, baby shower etc., (all good occasions) also she will shout at everybody this has created a bad image amongst our (3 of us) in-laws side even though she has done lot of good things to our relatives earlier times in whatever way she could.
 
My 2 sis have settled in Canada and working n have own house. Only my 2nd bil processed PR for my 1st sis family n my parents. Now my dad is working in Canada, which is great. Most of all 3 sons-in-law take care of them like their own parents for e.g.: when my mom wanted to come here (even though she has traveled in flights a lot she is afraid) my husband went there by flight just to pick her up and when both my mom n dad were here we took them to Pittsburgh temple its 9 hrs drive (with a 2 month old) n my husband initiated that. Even though I am not working I have full financial independence so when they were about to leave I gave my mom n dad some money with my husbands knowledge and my dad said (very hurtful for me) I don’t want this coz its not ur money its ur husbands, later I forced them to take it.
 
When they were here my husband will buy all my moms favourite veggies, juice, ice cream and he will sit n talk to her for hours like his own mother. But whenever she gets chance she will talk ill of him I don’t know y. He will always say that it’s our responsibility to take care of my parents. Same thing my b’s-I-l takes care of them like their own (but they won’t sit n talk) gives lot of respect and takes them to different places and never questions my sister(s) when they spend for our parents. But every other day my mom is crying coz she don’t have a son and my dad is working even in hard climate coz of that. Even when my 2nd sis and myself had girls she cried a lot and she wasn’t even happy about that coz she doesn’t wants us to go thru’ the same thing (hearing comments from others). Mainly she doesn’t like if we talk to some one from our in-laws side she will cry immediately (in front of them) that will make her weak (in in-laws side). But v doesn’t care.
We 3 think this is all b’coz of insecurity. But we r worried that my mom is making herself stressful by crying so much n thinking about this so much, we have talked about this to plenty of times but no use. They have achieved so much in their life also they are blessed so much coz they gave us good education and all ours were arranged marriage (as they wished) and now we all are very close and husbands are friendly and attached which is gr8.
I don’t y they feel this way. Sometimes I cry about this to my husband. He is good guy he understands them very well so even if my mom scolds him or shouts at him he won’t bother, he will go n talk to her. Only god has to clear their mind. They are gr8 parents n v luv them a lot.
 
[FONT=&quot]Just wanted to share my feelings from my heart. Thanks for reading and of course any view/reply/own experience welcome.
Cheers
-DSrini
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CharuKaur · Dec 21, 2007

Dsrini

My many congrats to you for being blessed with such a nice and close-knit family. Such things keep one's faith in God and goodness intact It was such a pleasure to read abt your husband and BILs.
I can understand your concern abt your mom too. M too young to be commenting anything on this, but think that time might be the best teacher for her. She has a huge backlog of jibes/taunts from relatives; but when she sees her grand-daughters enjoying the pleasures of life and doing wonders in life, her insecurities might fade away.
Pray for the good dear and things shall definitely improve.

Amen
Charu..

dsrini · Dec 21, 2007

Thanks a bunch. u r right those comments are haunting her all time thats y even now when she meets new people she is so afraid about this. It happens I shouldn't blame her coz one of our friends mom asked my mom that " U don't have any son OH! it must be very hard for u then". Statements like these make her cry. But to that lady I said my husband is her son n she couldn't say anything after that.

-DSrini

Ria2006 · Dec 21, 2007

When I was reading your post. I had a pleasent smile on my face. It was wonderful to know Good son-in-law exists somewhere.Its very hard to have a husband who truly care for wife's parents. Most others just ignore it to the hilt.
So preserve and cherish it, To some extent its in your and your sister's hand to bring your mother out of this thinking.

Never empathise with this "No son" Syndrome. Once in a while be stern in telling, It hurts you a lot to know that it doesnot matter to her that her daughters are so caring for her. Whenever any of my remote relative gave this "Two daughter only one son " kind of taunt to my mom, we made sure to fix them then and there, It never repeated from there. Your mom is nursing that wish even now. You just needs to be sometimes stern and sometime mild in handling this with her.
After parents grow old.. They do learn a bit from kids. But they dont explicitly accept it. Even Mothers watch their daughters in lot of appreciative glances. So dont feel bad in correcting this. Earlier the better. Even now when my mother gives a bit fo exclamation comment about my sis's daughter or my brother's daughter. I never fail to mention to her that she is hurting me. And I would not talk if she wants to talk like this.
It works. She would say..Okay okay.. I forgot you dont like it.. And eventually she will end up saying.. Daughters are so better than sons. Atleast they never forget their parents sitting far off too..

With parents we live full circle of life.

First they teach us how to tread through , how to make a better life. Then when they grow old.. Its same childhood coming back to them. And then we need to teach sometime with love how to go further with their lives. There is no harm in it..
Best wishes
Ria

dsrini · Dec 21, 2007

Ria

Your words are so comforting, each n every word is true. I am the one who talks to my mom like that(little hard) now by seeing me my sis have started and sometime it works. Even to my relatives I will talk hard when topic comes.
My mom will even say that she is so blessed to have such a wonderful s's-i-l. Especially my husband coz he will talk to her a lot and call her mammi (2 others won't do this) so this will make her very happy. But suddenly something will bug her n she will start crying. We explained softly but now 3 of us have started to tell little bit hard (without hurting her) but (U r right) now we consider them as kids.
Even in my baby shower she was the one who did all the work but was crying all the time. Tell me how many will get such a gr8 opportunity to have baby shower with 2 sis n parents (when they r in US or abroad). Sometime she forgets that but with talking its (very) little bit better. I know we can't change her at least if she understands our feeling that will be great.

Thanks

-DSrini

sreejag · Dec 21, 2007

Hi Divya,
I would say you should be blessed for such a family. and your parents should be very blessed for such nice son-in-laws.

don't worry, try to make your mom understand by telling her continuously, whenever you get a chance that you 3 daughters are there for them always and at one point of time she will come over it.

take care.

regards,
sreelata.s

sunkan · Dec 21, 2007

dear srini,
we have too many srini here now, anyway i must say we are both lucky, i have a wonderful son in law who will enjoy my company, yes it is a tom and jerry many a time but fun all the way, i know now how much he loves me when the second alliance did not happen because they were worried where i would stay and my son in law immediately said nothing to worry about that i vouch that i love having my mom in law with me, now what more can i say about this, i feel each family should be blessed this way, we never take anything along with us on our last journey, but yes to share what we have and love each other is the best asset a man has and can communicate with better words...but yes it is an age old tradition of boys having right to take care of parents which has been in India for ages, that is y dowry started and so many other ill things too, now people have come to realize what it is to share with all the children equally, especially when they do not have a son, and i am a proud mother of two daughters, both well educated and take care of me well. so it is not the boy or girl just feel it is our child and i am sure that is enough for any relationship to be good..sunkan

dsrini · Dec 21, 2007

Dear Sunkan
Its so nice to get reply from someone of my mom's age. Even My mom admits that she is blessed to have such a caring Sons-in-law but I guess she has lot of mood swing (thats my dad will say when v ask him). But no matter our husbands will definitely take good care of our parents n my parents know this very welll. But sometimes its very hurtful when they try to test it.

Thanks a bunch Sunkan mam for ur reply.

-Dhivya