Why do possessive mother get their son's married?

hmm I can relate to this too ... yes!!! she won't be having any friends, neighbors, relatives... n yet she will continue to shamelessly claim that she has a huge fan club in town... and as usual her naadhaan (very innocent and gullible) sons will be buying this S%^^! God ! most of the MILS seem to be suffering from the same disease... its not worthy to weaken ourselves for these monsters... Think of great freedom fighters like Bhagath Singh, they fought with all their might until their last breath... and why on earth are we so damn scared to face one teeny weeny monster ;-)... I happened to muster all my courage very recently and voiced against both my MIL and her son... trust me, it feels great after that ... I have decided not to get treated like a rag-doll any more! God has vested his power in each one of us ... time to realize and act!

 

Am in the middle of this Mahabahrat after teh gullible believeing phase vaporized!, Only wish there was a chaalu smmoooth way to do it, !Rant

 

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum. happy to read all the posts on this topic. please help me too.

I'm married for more than a 3 years now. From the day my marriage was arranged, till today my inlaws couldn't accept me as a family member. My MIL and SIL always look forward to complain about me,my parents and wait on chances to ignore or insult me. My FIL plays to my MILs tune.

For every little occasion at home, we went to the IL's place, made them happy and showed them affection but returned back to our place with pain.

Whatever effort We take to make them happy goes in vain. All that my MIL & SIL say from day 1 is my MIL is crazy about her son and loves him so much. But I never felt she loved him as they say.

All that I felt they wanted was, to keep my parents away from us and wanted to control our daily routines. I was never happy at my IL's place.

Thanks to god we are in different cities.

All 3 years,
1) My MIL has never visited us, even when my husband was down with high fever for days.. when both of us were working and found it difficult to manage when one was sick.
A loving mom wouldn't do this..

2) My MIL never smiled at or welcomed me whenever we went to thr house.

3) My MIL & SIL never communicate directly to me and speak only to my husband even if it was to enquire about the food prepared on festive occasion, inspite of the fact that I speak so well with them. They keep ignoring me even now.

4) Everything about the ILs remains a secret, where as everything about us is known by everyone who walks on the street near by my ILs place.

All these years I see that, they visit my SIL, whereever she is,( INDIA, US, UK... )and help her manage her kid...buy house..and lot more..but never visited us after marriage.

Now that my SIL has seen a house fr herself near my PIL's , she is moving in to my IL's house with husband n kids everyday..and are chatting in person.

Please advice me on

1) What can I do to make myself happy at my IL's place?
2) How do I handle my SIL?
3) How to handle my MIL?
4) Is my SIL stealing away our parents??

Me n my husband , still want our relationship with parents to work properly so that , we are not hurt, ignored,insulted and we will be happy if they are loving to us.

 

Hi Pad....

I dont understand why are you having a go and the western world/society or americans for that matter !!!!! Let me tell you that the way people in india think about western world and society is so not true !!! These people are very good parents and teach good values to their kids....and are not over possessive like indian mother in laws .........Pad you mentioned that you are living in america - My question to you is if you think american mothers dont look after the kids nicely, then obviously its not a good society to live in and you not being one of them - what are you doing in their society when its so bad ???????????????????????

And in your other post you have mentioned that you are not good with words - if that's the case, then please dont write something that offends someone !

Cheers !

 

Having been read the entire post and all the replies ... I too wanted to add a few thoughts of min ...though just married 1.5 yrs back.. few things I learnt about MIL-DIL or say ILs- DIL ....

Not sure if i put it in correct way ..

Parents of the Girl (while she is born, educated, brought-up, pampered etc ) they are extremely happy to see their daughter excelling in everything she does. They happy to see her grow beautiful, responsible, sensible day by day! (Many cases where over pampered girls are screwedup completely!). Parents do think that have to get their girl married to a most suitable groom, who will take care of their daughter like they do, if not exactly the same way or upto those levels, atleast basics are expected. The guys family should be respectable in society, if not very classy or rich, but least is with self-respect, and sensible people. Parents of the Girl, do everything to make their dughter happy, and by trying to get the best groom as per their understanding being adults and some seens facts of society (when they enquire about the grooms family amongst a group of ppl before deciding upon the marriage).

Parents of a Guy (where he can be the ONLY son alongwith a ONLY sister, OR with another bro OR actually the ONLY son.. brought-up, educated, pampered, loved .. because he is a SON ... ). Parents are extremely happy to see their son gaining soo much fame during school (for education, extra-cirriculars etc), college (while he in demand as he is too handsome OR looks okie dokie but is of extremely good nature). They be happy when they hear praises about their son from relatives, friends. They fulfill all wishes of their son --- monetary, luxuries (bikes, cars, gadgets etc) to make HIM happy. The son too reciprocates the love to parents OR in some cases doesnt (due to being over pampered, not stopped for bringing in wrong attitude while being a child & laugh away saying "see he is stubborn ad does this that etc ONLY by HIS wish and doesnt listen"). The son starts earning. Parents search for the bride for their so-called highly in-demand, well-educated, well-cultured (they think even if he is spoilt brat!) SON.

Now, when the actual wedding processing starts, the guy's parents feel, the DIL as usual will be or seems to be, oversmart! (This is general thinking of many ILs) She will take OUR son away from us. Before even interacting with the girl or understanding her nature, and ILs start developing their insecurity and possesiveness towards their SON at this point. They start their emotional dramas, indirect teachings to their son, how they need him in their old-age. They feel, whatever he is earning should ONLY be given to them bcause they have given all their life for his upbringing. Also they expect the girl to get some dowry to fulfill the gap of the expenses they have done on their beloved son to stand-up to this point. On the other hand, the girls parents are teaching her to obey whatever inlaws say and not to argue as it will "spoil their name in society". The girl with a mixed fear & feelings, to save her parents name and that her ILs maybe or may not be, devils to her! She will have to "adjust" max no. of times even if she is not comfortable. Some parents of the girl, are also posessive like a guy's parents are. They donot want their daughter to forget them once she is married OR if is the ONLY bread earner, they would also emotionally trap her to give them first priority than her new family / husband Or they would NOT like their SNIL to come too close to their daughters. None of the parents feel that we too educated our daughter, she too is in-demand, she is earning good enough, if the guys family is askin for my daughter they need to give some dowry to us. (Sounds nonsense .. but I get this thought many times :hide

Finally when they get married, guys family is happy initially, as their status in society has been marked as "good" / "excellent" because they got their son married to a reputed family / girl, who is beautiful, educated, earning etc and their new sambandhi are well todo or sober people. But the fear of insecurity and possesiveness blooms as soon as DIL enters their home. Before that, she was not 247 with their son, now she will be! This insecurity & possessiveness pushes the ILs (it can be FIL, MIL, SIL, BIL ) to become rude & abusive to the new member. Agreed that no one is a born rude / cruel / abusive as a person until he/she has gone thru some bad phases in life, but such situations do make someone become cruel, abuisve and rude. We have seen couples in love.. who are extremely possesive and donot like their partner even talking to other opposite sex ppl and endup being abusive and spoling the relation. Some ILs are extremely good to understand and accomodate the new member happily. And some of them are actually devils to plan out every single torture to be done to the new DIL. Specially MILs are more horrifying (sorry if offending anyone) ..becasue they feel that "I didnot get these many luxuries when I got married .. why is my DIL getting it??!!!".."I used to take care of everything .. so my DIL should also do it!! "..and many more such thoughts make them evil-mils. They feel that watever THEY have gone thru in their early times after they got married due to their MIL, their own DIL should also fear them as they used to be as newly weds. When such things are not happening accoding to their thoughts / views, their turn more abusive and make DILs image infront of their son & others bad, as if this new DIL is mannerless, lazy, good-for-nothing and all the scene starts there! Incase if the son has not paid respect to his parents, or not paid attention to them as THEY wanted him to do.. Inlaws still be abusive to his wife and would still try to get both of them dance to their tunes. (I am an example to this abuse )

MILs CAN (*Condition Applies ) be mothers .. I believe in that, as I have seen so many MILs in my family who have kept my aunts (bhuas, masi, my own granny), bhabhis so nicely like their daughter. (I was pretty unfortunate to get one monster Inlaws:spin). At the end ofcourse all depends on both .. MIL and DIL.. to take ahead their relation without showing over possesiveness of the single human-in-common... the guy:bonk

PS: Extremely sorry .. for such a long post ... second .. if this deviates from the main discussion .. third ... if I offended anyone or hurt anyone's feeling. :hide:


Sushma

 

hi ALL,

lets hear the answer straight from horses (MIL's) mouth..

I once asked straight to my MIL that if she has so many issues , then why did she say a yes to our love marriage. I asked this question as I said a no to the marriage when my MIL came to talk to my parents before marriage and created lots of hue and cry , At that moment I said no to the marriage myself and said will marry only if such drama(unpeaceful things) doesnt repeat .
So She answered me very sagaciously (and with a pride and as if she is right and with all the right over his son, as if he is the gem , she can loose and she will not survive and and she has won and determined to kick me ) , If she would have said a no she would have lost her son to me , by saying a yes , she has her son and after marriage she can keep us divided and have her son to her.She won upto an extent.(Ofcourse it was not infront of my DH)
She even suggested divorce immediately within a week of marriage ( I was so naive , i didnt understand her game plan) . She created all ruckus and I lost my golden years of marriage. Now I have stopped talking to her with lots of resistance from my DH , but thing are going for better..

 

Sorry to re-start this old thread. I just happened to read this and would like to share my experience.

My MIL visited us first time in US after my wedding and she was making something sweet. I casually mentioned to her that sugar quantity in India and here don't match as it is refined and powdered sugar here, so she must be careful. She ignored me completely and made a big face like look this new girl is telling me how to do stuff. She told me I have listened all my life from my MIL and I don't want to listen from my DIL. I said I thought I could mention so that the thing you are preparing would be as good as you make it in India. I added that if you think your MIL didn't treat you nicely, would you like to change that behavior between us or would you want to do the same, she indirectly replied she wants to continue the same thing - i.e. since she was not treated nicely, she wouldn't treat me nicely as well. Even though everyone from my DH's family says that my MIL's MIL was always nice to her and it was only MIL who was always creating problems, it was just that MIL's MIL was not very simple and dumb, so MIL could not get away with ill-treating FIL's relatives. And its another story that she put so much sugar that it was horrible - in my DH's candid terms only in front of me.