Why do possessive mother get their son's married?

dear preethi,
i have not been to this thread for a long time. today,b
ecause of my daughter,i happen to see this. i may be poor in using bombastic wordsto express my thoughts. thank you very much for you in interuppting my words:bowdown correctly and give the explanations. by barbarian i meant the whole mankind and not american. because i am the one who takes good values in any culture. not sticking on to onething and argue about it. if in any case i have hurt anybody's feelings i do not hesitate to ask sorry. but i cannot bear the personal remarks insulting me.sorry and thank you once again.
with love
pad.

 

I am so relieved to see the last two posts.
I started at the first page and have been wondering all along the pages saying to myself:
Wow! where this thread started and where it is going. Thank you for stepping in DrPreeti.
The discussion or misunderstanding ended in 4th or 5th post and some decided to hang on to it after so many posts later.

Anyway my take on the topic:
I sincerity feel bad for all the DILs and even MILs suffering out there for anything.
Its true that there are mean spirited MIL and DILs as well and there is nothing a MIL or DIL could do to change/challenge that mean spirited person as their only intention is to win by emotionally hurting the other person. And I am sure they must be feeling proud of their psycho behavior.

In this post and many other posts, I have observed a trend where the discussions narrow on mean/insecure mindedness of the MIL's.

Every coin will have two sides. So lets look at the positive side,
MILs are also human beings too, they have given birth and brought up their sons with all they have and it takes some time to understand and accept the DIL as part of their son's life. It does not happen over night. I am not talking about mil's who refuse to leave their son until death makes them apart. I am talking about regular MIL, who is a WOMAN like her DIL and like you and me and is having a difficult time accepting and adjusting to the fact that her role is getting limited from here on.

When a girl gets married, its not only her trying to adjust in the IL house. Even the FIL, MIL, SIL will have to adjust to this new person as well.
We have troubles adjusting with new managements at work. And this is life guys, chill, it will take time. and some people handle it well and some people screw it in the beginning.

I think MIL gets her son married because, she wants him to see happy and she wants to enjoy with the offsprings of her son. But when the entire marriage thing is over and the DIL comes home, she will have some initial trouble sharing the same space that she has ruled unanimously for over 20+ or so years. One of them or both have to adjust and redefine/make space for each other. Marraige is all about making new relashionships and redefining yourself, right.

I hope we can concentrate on the initial post and give our opinions as opposed to posting insulting comments.

:cheers

 

No one is talking about the "beginning" or the blunders committed by either party at the start of the relationship. What some posters were complaining about are the in-laws who NEVER accept (or adjust with) their DILs. This is a very different and a more difficult issue than what you mention. And, FYI, it is harder for a new bride to get used to her entire new family than it is for them to adjust to a single newcomer. Moreover, the in-laws are on familiar territory (their home) and on familiar ground (their practices, routines etc). The only new variable is the DIL. How much more complicated is it for the DIL? She is a new place, surrounded by people who are virtual strangers to her. Who needs to do more adjusting? The in-laws or the DIL?

And, btw, it is interesting that you draw analogies to a new DIL in a home to employees having a new 'Management' whereas the truth is the *exact* opposite. The Management in question is the MIL - the alpha female in the home - and in most organizations, it is the employees who need to adjust to their Management, and not vice versa! The DIL is akin to a new hire being introduced into a brand new organizational environment with its own preset work culture to which she (the employee) needs to adjust. She cannot do this if her co-workers and Management do not ensure that the new employee feels welcomed, comfortable and given all of the help, encouragement, support and motivation that she needs to settle into her new position. A comfortable and motivated employee is a productive employee. After all, wasn't the employee only hired because Management felt that she would be a good addition to their organization???? Does it, then, make any sense for Management (PILs) and co-workers (BILs, co-sisters, SILs etc) to bully, abuse, scorn and mistreat the new employee that THEY HIRED for her potential, and make it as difficult as possible for her to settle down into her new position, and do what she was 'hired' to do??

Right, and this is a 2-way street. It is also about the MIL getting over her possessiveness, insecurity and welcoming a new, and often, a very scared young girl into her home and heart and doing her best to make the DIL feel welcomed, and comfortable. The DIL has left her family, her home and her entire life behind to live with people that she very often does not know and it is very important that she gets her in-laws' complete love, acceptance and support. That means that her in-laws should also invest in "making new relationships and redefining yourself".

The title & gist of the initial post focuses on the negative sort of MILs, the possessive ones, and why these types even bother to get their sons married? If we were talking about MILs in GENERAL, then MAYBE we would have a broader and more positive discussion here. But that was not what the OP was talking about, she specifically wanted to know why POSSESSIVE MILs who are ultra-competitive and NEVER want to 'share' their sons get these guys married? I don't see how this thread could ever be 'positive' given the particular population it was talking about and the motivation of said population.

 

Without quoting Malyatha's entire post.. This is to heartily second her detailed & thoughtful analysis of what this discussion is entirely about... As the title of the post suggests, this is to discuss & analyze the few 'bad eggs' ( OOPS!! Hope I'm not insulting anyone here) that generally tag the entire class of MIL with a negative connotation. These women don't need nor deserve to be defended and their selfish attitudes & behaviour justified by some well meaning & supposedly fair minded justification. and if venting about them is therapeutic to the DILS who are unfortunate enough to have to endure them, on this site.. Well that is the support system that IL offers & more power to it!!!

 

Dear all,
Please read my other post Learn to ignore - Basic Course before reacting - especially the moderator's comment there.

 

Bangalorean,

It's not about caring, it's about having your priorities straight. Spouse comes first, from the minute you become husband and wife. I'm married. I love my mom, I love my husband. My husband is my first priority. That's the way it should be.

Let's change the scenario. Suppose we're talking about children. Do you still think it's wrong to say "My children are my FIRST priority, they come before my parents and anyone else" ?

Me, my mom, and my dh have no problem coexisting because my mom recognizes the boundaries in place. She respects the relationship between me and my dh and does not try to interfere or control our lives. For example we're planning on moving to a different state. Instead of emotionally black mailing us, she's letting us make our decisions in peace. Instead of making us change our future, she's changing hers and considering keeping one home here to be with my brother, and one small home around where we'll live to be with us. :idea

My mil on the other hand would not even let us move into the apartment of our choice (and she doesn't even live with us!). She kept demanding the door number be a certain combination of numbers, it be facing a certain way, certain number of windows, toilet had to be "this" far from the bedroom, building had to be a particular color, (the list goes on). We didn't listen to her demands, but her behavior clearly showed she did not respect our ability to pick out our own place to live. Since I'm my husband's first priority, he let me pick our apartment. Had he so called "cared" about his mom more than he cares for me, he would have followed her demands. Do you see how that would have been wrong? Husband and wife have to consider and care for each other first. I think that is all that Rihana was trying to say.

 

If this was a response to the post immediately preceeding yours,
What are you saying??.. This has no relevance to the discussion... Check the title of the post please.. what has supposedly caring about your mother got to do with justifying those nasty bad eggs under criticism here??.
or are you saying that if somehow the man does not let his mother walk willy nilly over his wife trampling on every shred of her dignity if she (the MIL) thinks is fine, he is uncaring & so not Human???
HELLO????
Most Indian women, have it DRUMMED into their heads since a young age to respect honor & obey their Inlaws, It causes a great deal of trauma when they are mentally kicked around in return..

You're completely off base to this dicussion & going tangential.. Unless you're trying to JUstify that somehow 'good' DILS shd be doormats & accept the nonsense doled out to them by their sulphurous MILS.

Having gone back & noticed that in your profile you claim that you're a guy & if you are trying to justify the MIL related bad behaviour that is being discussed here.. .... Hmm I wonder..

 

This has been my question too for quite sometime now. Just like criminals are not born but made, the same holds good for this bad possessive MILS... she has been made in to one ! just take a look at her background and you will agree... Usually possessive MILS are the ones who have never been loved by their husbands enough or those who never gave their husbands a chance to love them ( you know the control craving ones)... Initially during the times when their sons are still young, they don't seem to realize that they are missing out on bonding with their husband's all due to this "bachcha wacchaa kaam kaaj" business... but as they see their sons grow... that sense of insecurity begins creeping in them, because now its too late too seek thier husbands shoulder... so here you have a possessive MIL...
if you look closely at all these MIL's who are possessive you usually see that they are either widowed at young age, or have been harassed by their husbands, or have been wives of the henpecked types... Well now all said and done if you too are a victim of this kind of MIL.. believe me you cannot change a person who is been moulded for decades to be the possessive kind ... the only one who can change is your hubby... now again be careful... you need not try to gain control over here and make your hubby unhappy coz you too will be treading the same path and I am quite sure you don't want that appellation "possessive"... so just teach your husband to be rational and fair and you be one too, try to develop deaf ears for some non-sense that you think you can never argue (silence is the best way to refute... it will keep your MIL guessing)... things will fall in place... remember "you need to be the change you want to see "... it will take time but you surely can

 

AWESOME, SPOT-ON post, Lakshmi. I'm nominating it for "best post of the year" award!

You're 100% on the money with your observations about *how* possessive MILs are made, not born! For many of them, their sons take the place of the husbands that they never had. Women whose own marriages were deeply troubled or no longer exist other than on paper - either through their own actions (henpecking / domineering over a soft spoken husband) or through the actions of their husbands (domineering, strong-willed, abusive husbands who showed them little to no love, affection or consideration!).

Amen to "Be the change you want to see". I learned this the hard way but better late than never.