Why do people do what they do? - A question that could reduce friction between people

We often look at somebody's actions or the way they do things and think to ourselves - "how silly/stupid/illogical!". Many a times these thoughts come when the other person does things in a way different from ours. If, at the same time, we see that the results are not as good as ours, it then validates our methods in our minds and we enjoy the feeling of smug superiority it brings.

And this, many a times becomes the root cause for the friction between MILs and DILs. Take the simple example of washing vegetables. Many people wash them first and then cut them and others first cut and then wash. Both sides have their logic for doing things the way they do.

Once we listen to each side's reasons we often find that both are valid. And the crux of the matter is that no one bothers to work out why the other person does things the way they do. Without the conscious effort to identify the logic behind a person's actions the picture we see is only half of the reality. And then of course we come up with derogatory terms in our minds.

If the matter ended with derogatory terms it might not do much damage, but more often than not, there is accompanying anger especially when such a situation arises between the MIL and DIL. Over a period of time these differences create so much discord that the situation becomes hopeless.

A habit of pausing to work out the possible logic to a person's actions is not easy - it takes effort and time and needs us to reserve judgement till such a time that we validate or debunk that logic. Who wants to spend mental effort on trying to second guess another person's logic when it is so much easier to just dismiss with a couple of derogatory words?

I am guilty of having taken the easy way out many a time in the past. The amount of anger and stress that got created in the process made life really miserable. Then there came a point when I got fed up of the negative feelings.

What people do and how is never under our control. The best part of it was that now, here was something I was fed up with, over which I had control!!! So now how could I deal with it? What could I do that would free me of the stress such things were causing in me? The first and obvious answer was that I had to learn to ignore these irritants - easier said than done. How did one ignore actions that happened daily and which distressed me to such an extent?

It didn't happen. I tried my level best to ignore - even deliberately turn a blind eye - and still these differences continued to keep pricking, if to a lesser degree. Slowly but surely the irritation that those actions created became less severe. And this was when I found something new!

As my tolerance of the irritants increased, I found that my mind got freed to do some thinking. And as time went by that thinking got focused on the 'why' of those actions. Without the irritation to blind me, I found that I could bend my mind to see the other person's point of view - I could work out the logic behind their actions. And lo and behold, I found that the logic was not all that bad! It wasn't the same as mine and in some cases I still couldn't accept the logic but having thought about the possible explanation was a magical stress-buster!

The release from stress was such a wonderful feeling that now I have got into the habit of 'working-out-the-logic' every time I feel the belittling words coming to my mind!

Believe me, life is so much more fun now - even when some things are totally impossible to digest, the act of 'working-out-the-logic' adds humour to the situation and makes life less stressful! Of course the best part is that I don't have to try and see whether the person really did use that logic - the logic I worked out could be way off the mark - but hey! So what? It removes the frustration, the irritation, the anger and stress and allows me control over my reactions.

Am I happier now? You Bet! The things that made me unhappy and life stressful remain, but they no longer make my life miserable!

 

Hi all,
Good to see so many comments and thanks for the appreciation. This is one issue I think all of us face in our lives and we generally end up messing things up because there isn't time to think before reacting.