Who takes care of your kids?

asha_karthik · Jun 11, 2009

Yes Payal. Its already physically very tiring. The restful period is already gone, and i may have to wait for a few years to get them back. My boss is not accepting for any extension in my ML. She acts very empathic, but manages to get the task done out of me even now. So am really not sure if it is wise to join back soon after the ML. so for now, i am trying to adjust and push the start of ML as much as possible, playing around with flexible work timings and work from home options.

Sorry to hear about inlaws problems. i am sure you will be handling them well, no matter what it is about. so you can definitely share your experiences in the forum. writing in the forum is a stress killer for me, though i haven't been able to completely sort out my own problems with my inlaws. The time after 3-4 months of the child birth is another thing i am extremely concerned about, deep inside, though at this point, i only think of my LO and the one inside.

Its good talking to you Payal. hope your kids are doing fine. take care.

Young@heart · Jun 12, 2009

Hi Asha,

My kids are doing good. I also got a break as i was on a full month's leave in may to coincide with my son's school holidays. And we had fun at home.

Maybe the restfull period is gone for you but donot worry, the second time around it comes back also pretty soon. You will be needed for an year or so only and then the kids will play with each other.

I am sorry to hear about your unsympathetic boss but i have seen lady bosses being bad only. So how are you managing now-a-days? Working from home? Why donot you go on leave on a medical certificate? I am sure your gynaec will give you one. My gynaec gave me one .... so you try to talk to your doctor. You definitely need the rest now!!!

Has your daughter started feeling better and at home in your mother's house?

Regarding my inlaws problems, I had written in the relationship with inlaws forum (How to believe cunning inlaws) and you had nicely replied. That is where the appreciation for you started..

Donot worry about anything other than the impending birth of the child right now. What i feel that jab sir par padti hai to sab manage ho jaata hai. So, sab manage ho jaayega when the time comes. I am sure you will manage things well and everything is going to be fine.

Take lots of rest and spend lots of time with your DD as this alone time for both of you is very limited now. My son has started saying (though i hoped this will never come up) that Mummy Papa love Adhu (my dauther) more and scold me always. I am tired of convincing him otherwise. Take care and lots of rest,
Payal

asha_karthik · Jun 16, 2009

hey payal
thats really good to know that you got a full month's leave at work and got to spend time with your kid. those annual holidays are something i really miss. i should plan for such yearly vacations too when my kids grow up. oh payal.. you give me too many ideas !

i just went back to your thread (How to believe cunning inlaws). i never realized in the past that i have replied to your thread. i really hope things get better for all of us, as we have already started our family and we have lot of other things to be bothered about with our kids, hubby and ourselves. we cannot keep struggling with these inlaws all the time. you take care payal.

Last week was very tiring, with my DD's school starting, with us moving over to my mom's place. DD is still not settled i should admit. it will take some more time. she is used to all the pampering and individual attention she was getting from my inlaws. Now she is one amongst a few other grandchildren that my parents take care of (part time) at home. so its very different for her.

My boss was quite supportive the whole of last week. i managed to cross 4 long days that started with DD's school, then i drop her back at home, and leave the crying child to work, then come back from work & carry out the feeding activities with LO. and then friday i was off !! i always get along better with lady bosses. this one isn't really bad actually, but she is a task master. as long as you can manage to complete work on time, you are ok. i am managing delegating some of my responsibilities to my to-be replacement, work from home, calls from home etc etc. hope it all goes fine.

bhuvnidhi · Jun 16, 2009

Right now a full time maid is there at home.She takes care of my daughter when she is back from School.

Young@heart · Jun 18, 2009

Dear Asha,
I think you will also get many more such ideas (like taking long vacation) when you have to manage two kids. I take a month off in may and two/three weeks during my son's diwali holidays. This idea I got only when i was on my maternity leave and saw how happy my son is in holidays with me around.
Your thought about us being above these petty inlaws problems in the future is a commendable one. I hope we all come out of it ASAP.

I feel it will do your daughter a lot of good to stay with other children as you mentioned in your parent's place. It will prepare her for the impending arrival of the new baby i guess. Why do you have to drop and pick her up from school before going to office? No other arrangement? It must get pretty tiring for you now.

Am happy to learn that your boss is good just a task master. I have never had a lady boss directly but I have had senior lady collegeaues who i have seen not being good with subordinates, so i made the statement. but good to hear that your boss is good.

All is fine at my end. My DD started playschool today for an hour. It feels like just yesterday that she was born and already she is starting school
Hope your health is good and enjoy the last trimester of pregnancy.

asha_karthik · Jun 18, 2009

Thats cute Payal. your DD started going to school? my wishes to her. i hope she didn't cry too much today. This morning my LO waved a bye-bye and went inside her class holding her teacher's hands. and i was a proud mom there amidst other wailing kids. I hope this continues every day, and she doesn't give me any more tension. She also has gone to her day care at 12noon. hope she gets settled soon, as she should continue in this day care for the next 2 months at least.

Last week the parents were asked to come over to the school so that kids get settled faster. I did not want to miss the opportunity, and so struggled bringing her back home, feeding, starting to work and all that. this week another arrangement has been made.

Just today i was telling some of my close friends that, if at all, i go back to my home after the next one is born, and my inlaws are still there, i will start speaking for myself. At least with things that affect me, my health and my kids' health, i am going to speak up more. And most important, i am not going to let their deeds affect my day to day life. Lets see how all these work out practically.

good luck with ur kiddo's new school. hope she will have lot of fun.

beniwalnikita · Jun 26, 2009

Hi Indus Moms & Moms to be!!

Some how I got chance to be in every situation we have discussed above & lost many nights sleep over this subject.

I have brought up two boys (my elder brother in law's sons who were staying in village before my marriage). The younger one was about 3 & half year old & the elder one was about 5. I brought them to <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Delhi</st1lace></st1:City> for their better education & development. And it was just immediately after I got a job & rented house in this city.

Kept a one part time maid & then replaced her one full time maid (24 hours) & then added another full time maid ( 24 hours) as I was working about 18 hours a day & it was beginning of my career.

After few months one maid left & I managed with one. Maid’s also came & go in between but over all gave me an everlasting experience -

The maids whatever you do will never love your child & will keep on plays smart whenever your nose is away.

I have also tried this tip trick & would like to add one more thing here...make them feel free to eat whatever they wish to in your kitchen.. it also makes difference it you want to win them.

I have gone through so much with maids while I was taking care of both boys that have reached to a conclusion. No matter what I do I will not leave my baby alone with maids, specially if I have to be out for long hours.

I have a colleague who used to leave her two children - a girl age 5 & a boy age 1 & half with two full time ( 24 hours) maids - his little one got burnt by one maid's carelessness & got about 50% burn. he is alive today is a miracle actually. Lately she found her another maid giving foul food to her daughter & having fresh food for herself. She got notice of it after her daughter got down with food positioning. So many cases she has shared with me & all have strengthen my belief so far about it that one should avoid leaving child only dependent on maids.

About 6 years later my same brother in law started staying in a town & both kid's went to a good school in same town & started staying with their own parents. I was not happy about it as I had really tried doing my best at every point & loved them so much..till today I badly miss them but at that time I let them go because I knew their parent have right to be with them plus, they would be able to take care of them better then me now since kid's mother stays at home.

Later on when was expecting, I shifted to another (eldest) Brother in law place where I stayed for about 2 years. for the first year my daughter stayed with my In laws but I could see with the baby's increasing demand for attention, My sister in law (house wife) was not happy with the responsibility but was bearing it to avoid a negative tag from the rest of the family about shying away from this responsibility.

She used to through tantrums on me & on the rest of the family but on straight discussion she used to put all blames on me.

finally once my husband's sister came to stay with us & experienced how she was actually keeping my baby made all of us quite upset. My 11 months baby was only given milk when she used to cry a lot. She used to even beat her as well...in summers I also used to notice that my baby is wearing same dirty clothes what she was wearing last evening. I used to be out when she would not wake up & used to reach at tiimes when she would be asleep or about to. The moment I enter home, I used to get busy with house hold work cooking etc..& my immediate attention on my baby used to be remarked for as if I am trying to reflect they have not taken care of her...

I tried best to kept the harmony but after my other relatives have also informed on her such behave with the child we took decision of keeping my baby to mom's place who is luckily staying in same town. Since my mom also works it was quite difficult but her office timings are better then mine plus my brother works from home.

From last one year every morning I leave my baby to my mom's place where a maid is kept by me ( 9 to 5) & at times when my brother goes out either my mom or me takes leave from office.

Soon my baby will start her play school & continue her stay during the rest of the day at my mom's place..

Why I have written this long post is only to share the best option do's & don'ts I learned from my experience.

Leaving alone with maids for long hours is totally a no from me.

I have even heard many cases on my town that there are day cares who keep very small babies use drugs to make them asleep long hours..not sure if it would be good idea..

I feel it is not a good idea to keep a good maid & leave your baby to a place where she will be loved. Be it a friend’s place, your parent, your in- laws or even some good day care.

I also noticed that constant stay at one place makes people stressed as it actually takes a lot of energy if you really take close care of child. May be finding a rotation for this if you have option will keep people helping you on this happy & in somewhat lesser stress.

So far this is my experience & learning on this but would love to be corrected on any of my belifs….

Please tell me if there is any better option I could not think of & you have come across..

A mother.

asha_karthik · Jun 29, 2009

dear beniwalnikita
that was a great reply based out of true experience. very useful. thanks a lot. its very true that the responsibility of child care shouldn't be left with only one person or entity. Rotation definitely helps. hope your kiddo is now doing great and so is your career. good luck !

beniwalnikita · Jun 29, 2009

Hi Asha!

Thank you so much for your post. am glad you could find my post somewhat useful.

I feel no matter how much I enjoy being with my kid..taking care of them for sure is not easy. If we leave this responsibility on anyone in the family or friends for sure it is a lot of work for them. We all need space for ourselves & constant stress makes anyone tired..I have acknowledged this fact now feel rotation should help avoiding any one relative/ friend feeling stressed about it..

My baby is growing fine & thank you very much for your wishes for us.

I too wish you all the happiness coming in with your each step.

Lots of love,

Nikita