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Who Normally Bears The Cost Of Sil's Travel?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SadMarried, Aug 2, 2016.

  1. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    hi ladies ,

    I'm in this forum after some while with some validation and guidance need from you wonderful ladies.

    I'm pregnant with my second child , have just ok relationship with husband. My husband prioritize in laws , and his sisters more than wife and his kids. All problems in our married life is past are associated alot with in-laws.

    Recent situation , Hubby wanted to invite his married sistser and her husband ( i dont even know if its hubby's desire or push from his sister to come visit UK as they talk when he is in office most of the time) . I didn't want any guest for longer duration when im pregnant , working full time with active toddler at house. But anything i put as suggestion or view , he takes as im talking against his family and him . So to maintain peace and not have argument with him , i just went along with his decision of inviting them to visit UK. Now my question is , do we have to pay for their travel and everything when they want to come to visit here as tourist ? Considering they are well off back-home , very high earning business and counted as very rich around there community. My husband has already paid for their visa application and looks like they got visa , i cant tolerate my husband buying tkts for them when its their desire to come here and they can do all by themselves. My SIL is very greedy, she thinks her brother has to take care of all expenses. I have kept quite so far with his decision to invite them here considering my health and condition . But I feel like asking him why cant they buy tkt themselves for travel when everything else we will have to take care anyways when they will come here. I know he would fight if i say anything but i just cant tolerate this fact.

    Just wanted to know what you guys would have done in similar situation ?
     
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  2. APS45

    APS45 Silver IL'ite

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    Your SIL's husband have to bear all the expenses, tickets as well as for any personal expenses of his family trip.
     
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Normally the guests will cover the cost of travel, visa etc except in the case of our parents or in-laws. I would never ask for my brother to pay for me or vice versa especially for vacation.
    But it depends on the relationship your husband has with his siblings. If he has a habit of paying for all their expenses they may expect him to this time, whether it is right or not. You should talk to him to ensure that the expectations are clear.
    If you have plenty of disposable income readily available your husband may not see it as a big deal to treat his sister. In which case you might want t work on locking up the cash into investments.
     
  4. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Like Malstrom and AP have said your SIL and her DH have to bear the flying cost.
    When my MIL was flying to the US for SILs delivery my DH was all conscious and had seconds thoughts about paying for his mom's airfare! Coz he felt he is responsible! But eventually, he didn't. He was very guilty that he isn't paying. I had to strongly say several times the norm is SIL and Her DH pays for the airfare. SIL paid for MILs insurance and other things too. When MIL was traveling to see us, that's when DH paid for MIL's airfare.

    My suggestion- if you haven't put your foot down about DH spending too much on his parents. This is not the time. Because, even if your DH pays or doesn't pay they are coming and the fights aren't worth it.

    I can understand why you would want to tell your DH to go easy on his sis and her family. But don't. If you are earning- just pamper yourself much more when they come. At that point let your DH not question you how you spend your money. This is a short term solution- because there is no use getting into fights during pregnancy. The fight isn't worth it.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2016
  5. livingitup

    livingitup Bronze IL'ite

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    It is ur SIL's or her husband's responsibility. Period.
     
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  6. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Its not about black and white, this is too late to create a fight if he is all set to book tickets, unless you want to deal with the outcome bitterness. If you can let it go, you will have a lot of peace. Upto you.
    Money versus peace of mind - sometimes you have to choose one or other, though not ideal. Final choice is yours.
     
  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    They should fund their own trip. BUT you are pregnant! So think carefully if you want to start a fight right now. If it is not a big hit financially and if you think your H may not respond favorably to your opinions, let this battle go and choose the more important one - Who manages the additional burden of work when they are here; and how? Build yourself up as to how you are "happy" that his relatives are coming but also worried that you are going to have a lot of extra work on your hands, what with a child, more people at home and to top it being pregnant. Get him on your side, ensure he conveys to his sister and BIL that they are going to have to pull their weight when they arrive and that you are only responsible for so much.

    Think what is important to you. Good Luck.
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Knowing your history through the threads and posts here, I would suggest you to chose your battles. Chose based on how best you can argue about it, and eventually win.

    Your target is definitely not about SIL's visit or buying tickets. They are just the problems on the way. There is so much to reach your target destination with your hubby.
    If i know you correctly, your goal is to maintain a peaceful family with love and respect. Both yourself and your H should work a lot towards it.

    I remember fighting for similar reasons, and further distancing myself from H when I needed him the most. I would suggest you to fight if you are sure that you can win, you can always discount the emotional drama if you are the winner. But losing a battle, with a baggage of so much emotional trauma created in your relationship with H, while you are carrying will cause additional stress when your SIL's family is here.
    Do you really want this now????>

    If I were you, I would stay calm. I would let him know that I know what's going on. But I support him since this is what he wants.
    I will ensure there is a peace at home.
    By this, I would encourage my H to be transparent and open with me. He shouldn't be afraid or hiding anything if that is about his folks.
    Build the relationship with hubby.
    Once you are in his good books, start advancing your interactions.
    This way, as a wife, as a friend, as a well wisher, you can slowly start to influence your H.
    Tour target should be to win your H's trust, respect and love.
    You can't condition him to be transparent. If so, he could do so much under the table, while pretending to be transparent. In fact, you must make him trust you, so that he opens up with you naturally. That's what the beauty of H and W relationship.

    So, pick your battle.
    I don't know how much it can affect your family's finances if your H to buy tickets for his folks. This should be checked against all the other expenses including their vacation, local trips, Europe trips (if any), hotels, food, return gifts, plus your upcoming delivery expenses.
    Unless they are not major financial attacks, I would let this go this time.

    There is no black and white standards about supporting extended families.
    My sis is well to do though. But whenever she visits us, either me or bro would sponsor her entire trip. We do that as if we are her parents. She is pampered since childhood, and we are happy supporting her.
    But whenever we visit her, we must take care of our expenses. She has never ever raised any expectations from our side in this.
    So, obviously there is no equality. Our spouses may have got confused with this initially. But this is life. May be what we spend on dollars/rupees may have been knowingly or unknowingly reimbursed by our sis emotionally.
    Since these expenses are not gonna affect our overall finances, we are fine with it. We buy the happiness of having our sister at our home by spending a few dollars. That's all.

    Your concern and anger is very valid. But this is not the time to fight about it. There is no possibility of winning this battle right now. Knowing this, why spoil your health, your relationship and the happiness of your home right now?

    Start to be assertive in your life's matters slowly, and when you are sure that you are respected, give your opinions. That day, you will be heard.
     
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  9. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks all for your valuable inputs .

    I know i should pick my battle wisely. But he has been taking me granted for whatever i let him do. I know if i dont say anything on however he would spend on his sisters travel and expensive return gifts her kids would demand and all expense after they come here , he will be happy , but the pattern repeats , he has another married sister backhome , she would want the same things again. And so much more he already spends on them . Its not just about money , sometimes morally as well , he needs to understand they are married sisters now and their husbands are their to take care of them and their family. he would just blame me i dont care abt his family no matter what i do. Not sure how to make him realize parents , wives and kids are family which you have to be fully responsible for but married sisters and extended relatives are not your responsibility, specially when those married sisters are well off themselves. We are not responsible to pay for their luxuries.
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Your sil and her husband have to be really shameless and lacking in self respect to let him buy their ticket.I could understand if they were poor.

    As for the rest...What are you going to do SM?
    You did not do anything when you were in a better position.
    If you don't say anything...you will be seething in anger and resentment.
    If you say something,he will do his usual angry show .
    Either way ,you will be the loser .

    So ,just sending you best wishes and hope you find the strength to deal with the lot.
     

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