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Who Is Right , Who's Wrong? Siblings Rivalry

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Vedhavalli, Aug 4, 2018.

  1. kumudh31

    kumudh31 Gold IL'ite

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    When I read the post I'm really surprised. I came from a community whose main occupation is mostly business, gifting gold and valuables are not only for pride but also considered as investment. I'm in my early 40s my dh studied abroad, didn't insist any thing so my parents gave little bit lesser than my elder sister we both didn't care as we knew our parent's economic position and also the fact they are loving both of us equally (we are also 2 daughters). this happened before 15 years. My maternal grand pa had 4 daughters and a son who is younger than 3 sisters than last one is 4th daughter. My mom and periamma got married in late 40s and early 50s. For my periamma my grandpa did lavish wedding with lot of gold and silver, grand 3 day wedding. then after a year he had heart attack got bed ridden using this opportunity his partner cheated him, had heavy loss. at this time mom's engagement was already done, since my uncle was young studying in school my periamma and periappa pitched in took initiative with their jewels and savings and conducted the marriage. (it was not as grand as my periamma's but everyone was happy). then after 2 years both son in laws pitched in and helped my grandpa who was little bit recovered at that time did the marriage of my chithi(3rd one). for fourth one, my uncle finished his studies helped my grandpa in his business they were doing financially well still had debts so my periappa and my dad decided to help my grandpa, since the groom was my periappa's relative. they decided to conduct a grand wedding then my chithappa(dh of 3rd daughter) made huge issues comparing the amount of gold and silver given to his wife. My periamma and my mom called them for lunch and talked to with all the relatives from my mom's side explained this is the current norm and he also happily participated, pitched in for silver articles. If they can do it 30 years back then why can't daughters from this age with so much education are behaving like this with their parents. Come on girls have some gratitude for your parents.
     
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  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Or raise puppies. :roflmao:
     
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  3. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Give if you can afford, otherwise why not give a good education and a simple wedding? No one should sacrifice or should bear such a heavy burden. Gold gifting is not a necessity. Now a days there are matching costume jewelry for any dress. It is not necessary to have certain amount of gold. Norm can be broken; Reset the norm to what one can afford. Be practical; Society changes with people.
    For show off and status, so many people have gone into debt. Is it wise? It takes years to recover from the debt. It is time for the society to change.
    Here is a true story.
    Two women were is a party all dressed up with gold and diamonds. One was a very rich lady and the other one was middle class. After the party, the jewelry was a topic of discussion. How beautiful the rich ladies jewelry is. One said she has lots of diamond jewelry. The other said, the other lady's jewelry may not be real diamond even though it was shining.
    GUESS WHAT? That particular day, the rich lady wore swarowski jewelry (fashion jewelry, not real diamonds - very gorgeous) and the other lady wore REAL DIAMOND jewelry.
    Alas! so much for the diamonds and gold.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2018
  4. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Something to think about :))
    They don't demand gold or silver, they are loyal. They wait for you, give company and can entertain you.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    It is easy to say older daughter should help parents. We don't know what kind of family she is married into. Did she get to choose a husband who will support her in helping parents? What was the expectation from her parents when she got married? Was money every discussed in family? When a child is getting married, is a good time for some short term and long term plans to be discussed. Avoids heartache later. Nothing is written in stone, but all parties get a general idea of family's finances and future responsibilities, plans.

    They might be from a community where the girl's parents give clothes to older daughter and her husband for festivals or if there is a wedding in the family. Older DD is expecting parents to follow that practice. Is it so unreasonable? Maybe her in-laws expect it? Why marry girl into a traditional family and follow up with modern practices like not giving clothes as presents?

    Second DD's expectation is reasonable enough. Much pain can be avoided if parents discuss finances and more openly with kids. Big things like education, private college costs, wedding expenses, etc. should overall be done as evenly as possible. If not, explain it nicely. Acknowledge to the younger one that her fair right is being compromised, and say why. Education + wedding + other big expenses should ideally add up to almost the same for each child. Or, explain to that child why things are uneven. "You have a BDS degree..." "You can earn more..." You have good in-laws..." are not fair reasons.

    I lay the blame squarely on the parents and poor planning by them. Such disparity creates problems that live on long after the parents are gone.

    The feeling that parents were not fair to you with their love, affection, mental or financial resources, is a sick one.

    Expecting girls to take care of parents in old age -- is fair if the girls are financially independent, married a man and into a family that believes in some level of gender equality.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2018
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  6. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Parents made a grave mistake. They could have raised two beautiful puppies and be happier; don't have to answer to anyone.
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Raising puppies, they should try being more loving to one, giving more food to one, and telling the other, 'oops.. out of doggy food.. store is closed..maybe tomorrow. '
     
  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Irrespective of DD1, DD2 should count her blessing for getting a good education and parents still giving some gold and getting her married. When you look at whole population in the country, DD2 is still very lucky. She is not thrown to the wolves or grew up hungry.
    As a well educated grown woman, she needs to focus on her future and the good family who is even willing to share 50% of the wedding costs. Once again, be thankful to have found a wonderful family. Love= Money? If so, she might end up with conflicts in her new family.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2018
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  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    They still go to bed loving the same way they loved before. They feel sad but don't bark.
     
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  10. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    True... Tats wat I was thinking too. Even if the daughter wants to take care , what if husband is against it! Not every guy is generous
     

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