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Who Is Right , Who's Wrong? Siblings Rivalry

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Vedhavalli, Aug 4, 2018.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    Hi all
    I'm posting on behalf of someone else who are very close to my family.
    Scenario is elder sister, Masters in arts education got married with 60 soverign gold, 5 kg silver, from spoon to dinning table, sofa, bed, tv, fridge, washing machine other every household items. Wedding venue at A/c hall for 3 days. Later for Diwali gifted a car worth 7 laks. (Groom side's only demand was for AC hall rest everything uncle and aunty did on thier willing)
    When the uncle and aunty's business was prosperous. Post 7-8 yrs now thier business isn't good, younger sister is at marriage age, with a BDS degree working at a local clinic.
    Now younger sister is getting married, the groom's family is down to earth no demands, wants to share 50% of marriage expenses. First younger sister said, I don't want anything as family's business isn't doing good. So they set for 30 soverign gold, 1 kg silver and marriage expenses 50%. All went good, as wedding date is nearing younger sister fighting with parents to do same as elder sister. Uncle and aunty are worried, already in debt.
    No amount of counseling solved the problem.
    My mom told younger sister, you're are a dentist they educated you to prof degree , but sis has arts degree, why don't you see that . That didn't pacify younger one .
    I feel it's uncle and aunty's miscalculation and doing too much for one wedding (that time it'self I felt that) to show everyone see how much I can do...
    What is the solution to this issue?
    I feel both parents and younger sister mistaking. Peace of the beautiful family is going away
    With all these rucus elder sister is just mute behaves as if she is not at all connected to this. Not talking with sister.
    Who is wrong who is right?

    I feel both are wrong .
    before this incident both girls were angels to everyone in family, friends circle. Well behaved, affectionate, caring and cultured ones.
    Ps.
    My DH suggested if elder sis's family is good, why she can't give her jewels? That won't work in Indian family set up.
     
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  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes as you said parents and daughter is wrong. Parents should have saved money for another daughter too. Obviously any child will feel that they are ill treated . But since the situation is such that gal should understand and act accordingly . Why can’t she contribute to her marriage if she feels something is lacking so that she can help her parents and even her dreams gets fulfilled.
    Obviously any gal will dream for her D day, they will have many wishes like destination wedding etc etc . But not all can afford that.

    And regarding elder sister even if she wants to help parents her husband should accept right ?
    If they are fine with it , then they can help to some extent .
    But I don’t think there is any mistake from elder sister.
    Even if she talks and convinces her sister , she may not agree as she feels that inequal treatment to both.
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2018
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    The parents made a mistake. They should have planned equally for both daughters, especially when they are in business where future income is not guaranteed. Even though we should not expect anything from our parents it is human nature to compare, which is what the younger girl is doing now.
    Anyway that is all past. It not reasonable either to ask the older sister to give up her share. The parents are not being deliberately malicious. The bride should be encouraged to look at the positive side of whatever is happening now. But there will probably be lingering hard feelings.
     
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  4. star90new

    star90new Bronze IL'ite

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    In many families parents spend more money on elder kids wedding and younger kids education. Like they buy seats in colleges for younger kids as they are financially well off . By the time younger kids are in college the elder kids are marriageable age.
    Incase the seat was bought like that, is it not unfair to the elder kid?(ie if she wanted a BDS seat) . So this might actually even out.
    Since the parents werent able to give good education to elder kid they gave more gold. Since they gave better education, so they can actually reduce the wedding expense a little.


    Who is wrong who is right?
    My DH suggested if elder sis's family is good, why she can't give her jewels? That won't work in Indian family set up.[/QUOTE]

    I dont think that will be fair to the husbands family. You cant even out everything you get from your parents. Its called as fate.
     
  5. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    The parents raised both their children to adulthood. By the time they got married, both children had completed their education on their parents' dime.

    It's 2018. Wedding costs are the responsibility of the couple. Any contribution the parents make toward the wedding is a gift. Neither daughter should be making financial demands on the parents at this point in their lives.

    Education should not be a factor here. What and how much the daughters studied was dictated by their own aptitude, not by the parents' finances.

    Bottom line: The younger daughter had it right the first time. The family has had a reversal of fortune and she needs to wise up before she destroys her relationship with her parents and sister.

    I suspect a third party has been whispering in the younger daughter's ear and instigating this conflict.
    .
     
  6. Lalithambigai

    Lalithambigai IL Hall of Fame

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    +1
    Figuring out who the third party is and whispering some sense into their ears is something I would definitely recommend to resolve this situation.
     
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  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    These two sisters should first decide among themselves how to divide the parents responsibility in old age , who will be permanently living with parents to provide physical care and taking financial responsibility .. then they all can reach a solution as to who should have got how much dowry ! Shameless girls.

    If elder sister has got so much from parents , better she be ready to take care of parents and invite them to live with her a few years down the line . If she refuses she can return her gold and silver . If younger sister wants same share let her clarify to her groom from now on about her responsibilities towards parents .

    I'm just sadenned at so much greed and entitlement of the daughters even after receiving so much education from parents .

    Ofcourse I don't approve of parents spending so lavishly on one child's wedding without saving equal amount on other child. Moreover such lavish spending sets bad example in society for other parents who can't afford so much dowry , which is infact illegal .
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2018
  8. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    What a shame! Mistake is the mentality of both parents and the younger girl here.

    Parents mistake is that when they have 2 kids, they should have saved equally for both of their education and marriage expenses.

    Second mistake was lavishly gifting the inlaws of his 1st daughter when they clearly didn't demand.

    Now coming to 2nd girl, her biggest mistake is to blame her parents and fight with them pressurize them to spend on her wedding lavishly just to satisfy her ego in her small mind that she is not getting equal like her sister!
    What kind of daughter is she??? She did BDS n she should be aware of the enormous education cost that went into making her a dentist. She is a brainless fool to demand for equality in wedding expenses irrespective of her parents mistakes!

    The only sensible solution I can think of is that parents do as they can for her marriage. And tell her that once they are financially improved, they will gift her later what she expects same as her elder sister.

    I feel pity of both the girls who are lucky to have got married to and getting married to a family where both the grooms side are non demanding and good family.
    The most of girls get married to demanding inlaws family where parents even when they can't afford also try to meet the demands of grooms side even after marriage.

    Here grooms side don't demand anything and the immature daughter is fighting with her own parents n pressurizing them knowing the financial status!

    Really???!!!!...just because they give us birth and work hard all their life to make us what we are today doesn't mean that you can bully ur parents into demanding expensive gifts and stuff!!! In reverse it should be kids sharing the financial burden off their old parents and letting them live a peaceful old life.

    How selfish and shameless are the kids with this mentality ....only behind money/properties....!!!!
     
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  9. goldenhoney87

    goldenhoney87 Silver IL'ite

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    I feel nobody should be judged in this situation.
    Seems like there is some lack in the foresight and failure to realise that things( especially finances)keep changing from time to time.
    Parents might have thought there could be no dearth of funds looking at their flourishing business.
    No point in squeezing parents who are in debts.This will drain them emotionally and terribly upset.
    Regarding elder sister staying mum- May be a part of gold and silver that was received during wedding she must be saving for her kids which she doesn't want to disturb.
    Is she a working woman? If she is then she can help her sister(easy to say but we don't know her limitations, if she maintains a joint account she is answerable to her spouse )
    If not, only if her spouse is understanding then they can help together.
    I feel younger sister is lucky to get a grooms family who can entirely understand the situation and are ready to share the expenses.
    Many questions might arise -
    Why elder sister cant help
    Why parents didn't save equally for both children
    Being a BDS degree holder she can earn
    Why parents have to do a lavish wedding for the first child
    Why the younger one is asking for all the stuff that parents cannot afford at this point.
    There will be no answers for these questions.
    Things change with time.
     
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  10. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    If someone has to be blamed it's the parents who did not plan in advance. The younger daughter too for not being understanding. But I understand her position. Many years back my parents did not give me jewellery of the same weight as my sister on account of the fact that I got a lot of jewellery from my in laws. Though now my sister has the capacity to buy more than anything I own. It hurts me till today. In my case it was because my parents genuinely were not keen on spending money on my wedding. They also give my elder sister emotional and moral support but are never there for me. But nothing can be done. Sometimes we have to accept things the way they are.
     
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