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Whether i should live or die?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Meharnisa, Mar 16, 2010.

  1. Meharnisa

    Meharnisa Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,
    I am 25 years old. I married before 1 year & 10 months. I have one year baby boy.
    Before my marriage ,We used communicate regarding our office work (business contact).Later he proposed me, I rejected. Then his parents talked to my parents & they arranged marriage with in 15 days. With in this 15 days I was really true to him. I shared all my thoughts & ideas to him very frankly. We went to India for our marriage & we came back to UAE after our marriage. I believed each & everyone in my DH family(especially my MIL & FIL). I gave my all jewels to my MIL (520 gms) to keep in safety box .After one month from my marriage I got pregnant. I gave all my salary to my DH for 5 months. He didn’t buy anything for me. Even the food stuffs for the home. My mom supported me by giving money to buy all the stuffs what we needed for home. Then he didn’t came for my doctor check up. My mom took me to hospital.


    After 5 months , I asked him what are you doing with all the money. He told there is a problem in India for my mom. So I am sending. I asked him why you didn’t explain to me before marriage. I was true to you. But you wasn’t………..After this big conversation he used to fight & beat me a lot. I was pregnant. I told him your mom has too much property why cant she sell her even a single land for solving this problem. I asked him how can we survive in UAE with our baby. Again too much fight. I told him 15000Rs is enough for running a family in India for two persons. Why you are sending big amount to your mom & why you are not considering me. I didn’t get any gift from my DH for my birthday,Anniversary,new year etc………Its ok.I tolerate everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!He will not take me out during our weekends. I checked with all my friends & his friends .Does he has any illegal contact. They are telling he is very good. I noticed also, He will not talk to anyone unnecessarily. He will maintain prestige in every issues. I got the truth. He is sending big amount to his mom. During my operation (very critical delivery)I didn’t see him. He knew the time. But he didn’t reach the hospital.


    Really friends, I don’t have any happiness in my life. Just I am a money tree. I shouted one day. I got all his cards & I started managing the family. On the same month a big shocking news I heared,My DH borrowed money from his friends ,family members& some money for interest to sending his mom. Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt to commit suicide. I have baby .So my mind is going to baby always when I am trying.


    I asked help from my MIL .She told we are in problem .We cannot give money. I told her, because of you only we are leading an unhappy life. Just we are like a roommates.Ok!!!!!!!!!!!if you cannot give money. Give me my jewels. I can solve the problem. I didn’t get any reply properly for my jewels till now (before 6 months I asked).MIL & FIL are leading a happy life in India. Always roaming in car & going to the tour etc by using our money. I don’t have even single gram gold to wear. Because of this problem I sold my 120gm of gold. What I weared from India to UAE after my marriage.


    Friends!!!!!!!!!!!There is no guarantee for my feature. My DH is mom boy. What she is telling. He is doing. He is spoiling my life for my MIL & FIL survival. Still I am supporting him by giving all my salary (15 Lakhs+520gms gold) with in this 1 year & 10 months. I am settling money to my DH friends & family (to whom he borrowed).


    My MIL is making Drama ,If you don’t send money we will die like this………….My MIL plan is to built a 15 home colony in her land. May be she is making drama for this…

    Please advice me friends.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2010
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  2. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    No one is worth dying for and its certainly not for the guy you married, from what you described. You have a child as well so think this thru rationally. How badly do you want to be married to this guy? From what you described, you are indeed a money tree for your husband and In-Laws and they are using you as the goose that lays golden eggs. Sorry but there is no other way to sugarcoat this.

    There are several ways to get out of this and it all depends on how badly do you want to stay married in this setup. To me, it just sounds absolutely awful but then again, I am not in your shoes and only you can make that call. You are young and you have a child so there is a lot of future ahead of you, with or without your husband. And you have a career and financial potential as well. If it were me, I'd get out of this marriage in a heartbeat and there is not much to think for me in this situation as I refuse to be used and abused by my husband and in-laws as a source of money and nothing more..

    You have to do what is best for your situation and consider all possible options on the table and take into account all your priorities and how badly you want to stay married to this person etc. I think I'll leave it at that.
     
  3. Meharnisa

    Meharnisa Silver IL'ite

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    Malavika,
    Thank you very much for your advice. I feel scared about my baby future. I am worrying that ,my baby future will spoil. Once he grown up, he will ask me about his dad.
    I am planning to go India on next year. He must know, without my support how can he send money to his mom. He will miss the nice family while I go India. That time he will realize the importance of wife in his life. I will work in India & I will start to save money for my baby future. I will wait for him for 2 years (whether he is changing or not).If he change & give importance to me. I will go to him. Otherwise I will not go to him.
     
  4. rajalakshmigopal

    rajalakshmigopal Gold IL'ite

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    Meharnisa,

    Your post pushed me to reply here.Have you analysed the issue thoroughly.Does he have any commitment of sending money?Did any of his relatives help him for his studies,overseas travel and he wants to help them from UAE and stuff like that.

    DV in any sort is not at all tolerable.But give it a thought once.You can go to India.Talk to your Inlaws and let them know the situation very clearly.Be frank and let them be frank with you too.Explain them the source of problems because of this money and try to solve the problems as soon as possible.

    Do not take any vigourous actions.Consider your little boy in your mind and act accordingly.

    Good Luck! Inshah Allah!
     
  5. ALPA

    ALPA Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear,

    what you can do is not give your salary to your husband, open up a different account whereby you are the signatory only and bank your salary in it and tell your DH to sort out his mother's problem by himself as he is not giving oyu any money so why should you, i am sorry i am being money minded but also think about your baby.
    love
    alpa:cheers
     
  6. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    Meharnisa,

    First off, my HUGS to you!!!

    You are putting up with the worst crime in life. Physical abuse! You are smart, educated, independent woman and still you chose to put up with this atrocity?? WHY???

    You have a good future and you can give a bright future to your child. Now, all this is in your hands. What you choose? You choose to die and leave your child orphaned and who knows a prey to your husband's monstrous acts OR you choose to stand up for yourself and your child with self-respect and dignity.

    You asked what if my child grows up and asks who is my dad? So, you choose to live with this man who abuses you and treats you like a money making machine?? Try to connect your thoughts and see if it is rational thinking. Is it the way an educated woman should think??

    YES, surely your child will ask about his dad. At that time tell him why you broke up with that monster. Children are very compassionate souls on earth.

    Would your child grow up and say "Mom, you should have gotten abused physically and mentally, gotten tortured and still remained silent so that I could have someone called DAD today"????
    NOooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! Children are not such selfish beings. You are wrong!!

    Listen, it is not worth to bring up child in a rotten marriage. Better he be raised in a broken one than a rotten one.
    Do you want to raise a child who cannot fight for his rights and each time an ugly situation arises he thinks of killing himself?......NOoooo!!!!

    Just because your child will question you about his father tomorrow does not mean you suck up the abuse and sit quiet today. And if you did , then in my opinion it is called cowardice.

    Give a damn to society if you are thinking about what other people will say, your relatives, extended family etc etc. DONT CARE!!! Are they coming to your rescue now??...NO!! Then what right have they got to remark or comment on your life??

    It is cowards who give-up battling for respect but BRAVE fight the battle WITH dignity and FOR dignity.

    DO NOT ever think of dieing. You HAVE to live for this child and give him honor and respect in life. And how can you do that? By not tolerating this cruel behavior of your husband and inlaws anymore even if that meant walking out of this marriage.

    God Bless you and your Child and give lot of COURAGE!!
    :thumbsup
    Sridivya
     
  7. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    Meharnisa,

    I could not stop myself from posting again. Please take up YOGA classes if it is available at your place. Practice breathing exercises along with yoga. Believe me, you will find so much difference in the way you perceive things. Your thinking gets more clear and you can reason more rationally. Your impulses will be under control which will help you make a decision based on clear thinking and rationale. You will also find that you can handle stress more effectively and hence make the right decision in life, POSITIVELY.

    A friend of mine often had this anxiety and panic attacks due to marital problems. There was lot of stress in her life due to her husband and inlaws.
    She told me that practicing Pranayama (breathing exercises) and Yoga have clearly helped her deal with situations which seemed impossible earlier.

    Take care dear!!

    Sending you positive vibes.
    Sridivya
     
  8. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Meharnisa,
    I dont find much sense in staying in this kind of a marriage.. Imagine yourself 5 years down the lane.. They would have totally exploited you by then..
    You need not pay for the money your husband has borrowed.. He has to pay..
    Why are you giving your salary to your husband who didnt even care when you were pregnant.. Immediately change your account details and keep the money you earned to yourself.. Let your husband borrow money from others and let him pay back to the lenders..
    Incase you file for separation make sure you claim the money you have lended to MIL/husband.. They owe you that amount..
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2010
  9. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Meharnisa,

    First of all , Please erase your thoughts on suicide.Tell to yourself "Come what may I am going to face it".

    Do you have any close relative from his side?Probably they might know what is happenning in India with your In-laws.Check with them about their plan.

    I think most of us do some mistakes in the early days of marriage trying to be very nice to the in-laws.You and your hubby are grown up and you should have kept all your jewels under your custody by opening a new locker.

    Do open a separate account for yourself and save money in that.Do not give your hubby access to that account.Stop givinh him money.He is earning right?He should be taking care of you and your kid.Allow him to do that.

    Meharnisa, What will happen if you do not give him your salary?
     
  10. Meharnisa

    Meharnisa Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Rajalakshmi,
    Thanks for your reply.
    My DH family is very rich.They no need to borrow anything from anyone.Because my FIL had two restaurents in Burney.My MIL father was MD of one hospital.They saw money too much.They still have money.They want to make it more.

    I already took 15days off & i went to India after my delivery.I met my MIL & FIL they promised me infront of my family members.They willnot ask any money for one year to solve my all problems.After one year you start sending little money thats enough they told.After i came back to UAE.They start to torture my DH to send money.

    MIL & FIL created drama infront of my family members........
     

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