Where is this nice guy

Viswamitra · Dec 23, 2014

Dear Syamala,

Thank you for your kind words towards our family. It is true that in most families boys don't help their mothers and men don't help their spouses at all and women reconcile to that face and leave them alone. Especially, in a changing world where most women are well educated and pursue career, it is inappropriate for mothers to let their boys not trained in domestic work. The husbands thinking that women who don't work are okay to manage everything, is inappropriate as well. Because, there is no fixed responsibilities at home like what one experiences at work. There are no perqs like fixed monthly pay, increment, retirement benefit, etc. They don't even have a retirement age until they physically unable to do domestic work.

I can hear men screaming at me that these are all done by their spouses because of their love for the family. Why men should show their love by giving money to the family and women show their love by giving their time to the family? A good man should balance work and life equally and spend a lot of time with the family for the better future.

Viswa

Viswamitra · Dec 23, 2014

Dear Vani,

Thanks for your liberal appreciation. I admire your father for spending so much time at home helping your mom in each and everything. I am sure your mom appreciates him spending so much time at home during his vacation time. When men see doing domestic work as the best way to relax, the life is better for the entire family.

I am glad your DH will help if you ask him. It does not matter whether he volunteers or not, but his intention to help should make you feel better. It is unfortunate that your brother and BIL are not even lifting their fingers to do anything at home. In my view, it is inability to recognize the spouse's effort to take care of the family. If they show some effort, it is equivalent of showing love through their actions at home.

Viswa

Viswamitra · Dec 23, 2014

Dear Suryakala,

It is so nice to see you in one of my posts after a long time. Thank you for your kind words of appreciation. Even if men work to provide for the family, extending helping hands at home truly shows that extra love that men have for their respective families. There is no point in feeling the dignity of labor when it comes to doing something for the family. Even if a man is the sole provider for the family, he can still appreciate wife's contribution and extend his helping hands because the home maker's responsibilities are deep and wide.

After retirement, when one watches the effort of the spouse and that too when one realized that she has no retirement age, the helping tendency kicks in the minds of men.

Viswa

Viswamitra · Dec 23, 2014

Dear Poovai,

In fact, I am the luckiest among all three of us to have such a wonderful wife and son. I feel if I don't feel my gratitude towards my wife for what she had done to build his character, I don't deserve to feel proud about my son. When I worked long hours to build my career, she was a pillar of support to raise my son all alone.

I am so glad your FIL is helping your MIL. Your DH is a gifted individual to have such a wonderful wife and family. The fact that you appreciate his effort shows what a nice person you are. Especially, when others are saying that he is a control freak, you feeling much relaxed shows your love for your husband. The credit should also go to your husband for keeping you stress free and young always. I am so happy to know that you have a wonderful career in the IT industry.

The freedom is in our mind and as long as you feel free, it does not matter whether you are in a golden cage with doors left open or closed. The moment you feel restrained, the situation changes. What matters the most is how you feel and how happy you are. Your husband must be very happy to see you happy.

Viswa

poovai · Dec 23, 2014

Thanks Viswa, sir for your comments. It is nice to thank the people in our life, and it is that time of the year.

Vanilasky · Dec 23, 2014

Thankyou sir for your comments. My mom really appreciates my dads efforts and always ask my brother to make him a role model in all aspects.When father has gone after his vacation mom feels like a bird who has lost one of its wings. She takes atleast 1-2 weeks to agree with the fact that her supporting system is not with her.

Iam very much happy and thankful that my husband is trying to help me in his own ways ( like cutting onion which I hate a lot, putting the baby to sleep when am busy etc). His efforts itself means a lot to me. I can't change my BIL as its not in my hands but my brother is with me for a vacation and am trying to make him learn few things for helping mom ( in future his wife also) in mine and fathers absence. As a first step he has learnt to prepare coffee ,hw to toast the bread , to prepare scrambled eggs and omlette.

Amma has never asked me or my brother to help her in any of her works. But if we do anything to her she will be very happy. She doesn't like to ask for help we have to understand the situation and behave accordingly. That's the reason my brother don't help her. He is 21 nw and when I made him realise the need for helping mom he understood it and had promised to help her by dropping to temple and spending quality time with her.

Iam sure she will be super happy and surprised when my bro will prepare her fav filter coffee.

remya

parineetha · Dec 23, 2014

Dear Viswa Sir,

You were so goody goody even as a boy ??? ))) how come Sir? The way I squeak out, you may ask, why Neetu you never helped your mom? No..No..I was not the nice girl types at all while I was small. My amma would thanks her stars million times every night if she scrapes through her day without me messing around anything. That was the biggest favor I could do for her, forget about helping ))) Too big a ask from her

That being my flash back story, I never expect any help from DH, he was a pampered child at his home you see and I let him remain in bliss forever. He never did too until he was donned the role of father. Now last 2 yrs I see him offering help to press my clothes, pack lunch for me, fill water bottles before dinner, making the bed...now managing the baby most of the time on weekends. Though hearts of hearts I appreciate the little help he does, I keep wondering if the new role as a father changed him for Good? I just think aloud, for he doesn't accept when I say he wasn't like this before.

Another man in my life, my dad too had a very busy career did no help at home, but after his retirement and we girls are all married off & away, he gives a perfect company to my amma…He drives her for veggie and grocery shopping, chops onions for her, vacuum cleans the house, she skips her daily walks if no company so my dad accompanies her. Last time when I went dad had made cut fruits for amma and calling her clinic to drop in for a 10 mins break. It kept pulling his legs, appa your second romantic stint eh ???

What I understand is all of us evolve during various phases of our life, understand responsibilities, recognize the efforts our better half’s put in for the family, want to be part of the other in some simple way and off course a way to express the love & gratitude we cherish )))

As always wonderful to read your musings, no doubt you were the nice types all the way

Viswamitra · Dec 23, 2014

Dear Neetu,

The little angels are exempt from working hard at home until they get married, because once they get married they take enormous responsibilities and those responsibilities continue even after they get grandchildren. Unfortunately, I never had sisters or daughters and if I had them, I would have never allowed them to work at home until they have their own families. I am hoping someday, I will see pink color at home when my son gets married. Who in the right frame of mind would have the heart to make those little angels to clean and cook?

In your second paragraph, I can see the jealous feeling of yours that your husband is trying to be a good father when he was not all that forthcoming to help you when he was just a husband. Father's role makes men change a lot whether he admits it or not. But only difference is that his love intensifies not only for the baby but also for the wife.

Your father must be a great man in his career and he is now showing his greatness by being such a great help to your mother. Watching his children raised well and his children taking greater responsibilities in their new families would have increased his respect for the efforts made by your mother in his early married life. Let them lead a blissful life.

You are right. People do evolve over a period of time in married life. Only difference is women show their love by serving the family members with no expectation so early in their life (in fact feels a great sense of fulfillment) whereas men have some take off problem initially but once they experience the responsible children, their love and devotion for their respective spouse increases in a geometric progression.

Men should be trained to appreciate, extend helping hands and made to believe that the best way to show love is to participate in domestic work. No amount of carrier building, great positions and respect from society would give the same level of satisfaction than helping the spouse at home.

Viswa