When parents distribute assets unequally

Sgbv
There was lot of honesty, mixed with emotions in your few lines. I was moved by your thoughts .

Remember these thoughts make you an above average human being in life, not the materialistic weath gained/gifted from anybody. What goes around will surely come around one day!
Mega

 

But if you see in some of the cases, the son who is taking care of their parents in their old age is because of indirect compulsion. That is even if they are not going to get any benefits (extra money, extra property) etc but only beacuse he is living with them ie in the same country.
The other son who is living abroad is staying away from their parents, sometimes not willing to come and live with their parents (due to various reasons - good salary, clean environment, corruption free environment, afraid of responsibilty etc) so what did he do, he call them weekly twice or thrice and speaks for long long hours, sometimes sends money for any need etc beacuse he is not with his parents atleast he is thinking we can do all these things to his parents.
If the parents are economically week then there will be no question of argumenti i believe because one son (in abroad) sending money and the other son (living with them) is serving/working for them. No problem. But where the problem arrives is if the parents are financially sound, they earn good amount of pension, no worry for investments so no problem for money, but health???? no one is there to go and get medicines, if anyone of them is not good in health, then regular checkups to hospitals, buying daily and monthly groceries etc, taking care of his own parents, his wife's parents more than that his brothers (staying abroad) inlaws family when they visit his parents place apart from the other regular relatives.
What will the son alone can do all these? for how many years he will be doing the same? at that time he gets frustrated, his responsibilty is increasing now, wife, children, parents, inlaws etc. so at this time he need hi brothers help. Enough staying in abroad, pls come and help me in sharing the responsibilty of taking care of our parents along with me. Me alone is struggling sometimes. i do not need your money brother i need your presence. What are you going to get in abroad for this prolonged stay? money or something else? pls come here and share the responsibilty first. so these are the mentality of the son who is staying with elder, sick parents and not about the money and the property.

Regarding the property issue (400 grams) post by a IL member, i am also one of the person who bombarded the member. I do agree with the wise decision of her FIL, her DD's good attitude and her SIL's daughter behaviour, but what did me to discuss is the behaviour of the IL member who is scolding alot. I do understand how much she did for her MIL and how much pains she derives out of it. But from my point of view (atleast me) i will not touch someones (whether she is MIL or anybody else) property after her death if she used to yell or scold me alot when she was alive.

After this debate i understood that every one's perspection is different when comes to property.

 

The IL member in question above was more concerned about the fact that her MIL wouldn't love her own grand daughter/had more preference for her daughter's kids...
If you look at her posts, her MIL was an actual Monster-in-law..(God bless the departed soul), but a fact is a fact... she would throw tantrums at what she would cook, to the way she would take care of her etc. Infact, she should be one of those who should have been rooting for more inheritance by the same logic that she and her hubby did everything for her ILs, whereas her SILs were more settled. BUT, her FIL equally distributed everything among the grandkids.. which is correct! If not the IL member, atleast her kid got what she deserves - an acknowledgement from her grandpa that she and her kid matter!!! That was what the IL member was trying to convey....

 

Most of us get annoyed if an employee sucks up to the boss and gets a little promotion. It is a natural feeling. But this becomes very painful for the kid when it is done by his own sibling.

Parental rejection is painful. When kids are cut off from inheritance, kids will equate it to rejection even if the parent loves both the kids equally.

 

All replies have been great to read. I'm glad with the way the discussion is heading. I'm in two minds sometimes but I think the parents should divide their assets equally.

Me and my DH sometimes talk about it and decide not to expect anything from either sets of parents and be content with whatever we have/get. But once when I was travelling with my MIL and FIL to one of their new house's function, FIL asked me if I'd mind if he wants to give that house to my SIL (FIL and SIL not on good terms). I was so taken aback, and told him it is entirely his wish how he wants to divide his wealth among his kids. And when I casually mentioned this to my DH, he was surprised and said why is he (FIL) saying so (or how can he (FIL) do so).

I then realized that how strong one must make up his/her mind to not expect their parent's wealth. It sure leaves a mark of rejection or dejection in the kid's mind even if he/she is very well off. So my vote goes for distributing the wealth as equally as possible like Rihana said.

 

Are you reading my mind girl?
I too wanted to equate the feeling of unequal distribution with this example. Another example is when you study hard and do your best, but still its one of those kids who are closer to the teacher get more accolades or teachers play favorites with them... it has an impact on your confidence growing up and is definitely not fair!

My FIL also keeps cribing that he never got anything from his parents - but infact, he got the bulk of inheritance when his father passed away. His father never wanted to give it to him in his lifetime, as he knew it was his hard earned money, and my FIL being an only son would just spend it. The exact thing happened when he passed away, my FIL lost all the money in a few years. My hubby being the eldest had to somehow manage his education by taking loans, running a small business and giving tutions. FIL has been at home with no money since his late 40s. Hubby got a job out of town, and supported family with everything, including pulling his dad out of debts, brother's education and even marriage. Still now he supports by sending monthly expenses good enough to cover entire house. My BIL and co-sis are free loaders. They are getting options to work in different city, but will have to spend on rent and household. They are getting everything for free at my in-laws house. MIL does the entire cooking, looks after their baby, etc. and since MIL is so attached to BIL, she would do anything for him. BIL takes full advantage of this. Even on weekends my co-sis and BIL would go out and have fun, leaving the kid with MIL. She gets agitated, but sucks it up as she cannot and would not say anything to them. She cribs the whole time to us that he is not earning well - but he is getting pretty decent as per his experience. So in-laws cut their expenses to support him (all from the money we send). BIL does not spend a single penny on them. But lives lavishly - eats out, wears branded clothes, goes to multiplexes, drives and expensive car!! How is he poor??? !!! My in-laws feel that we are well settled (as we are supporting two houses), and we should support our BIL more!!!
And more than the money, they are usually out to put my hubby down emotionally - that he is helping ONLY financially. He moved out to help his family get a decent life - and he is being told that he left them! This really breaks him down... infact he hardly interacts with them now.

 

"Addition: some parents favor the kid who lives away than the kid with whom they live with. This point most of us
have missed. It is not that parents favor the kids living with them."

------------yes manytimes i goes like this. The actual reason for sharing unequally is sometimes, the son not living with parents or son who is not in proper terms (like what freespirit mentioned) gets the share properly or sometimes higher than the other one. The reason behind this is simple - undertsanding of a father with that son who lives with him. His father thinks that he will obey his words as he is associated with him and spends lots of time with him so he feels that his ideology will be trusted or obeyed by his son. But sometimes this attitude does not help much and ends in quarrelling among the brothers.
I know my friend's family where the situation is this, my friend's husband is moderate earning person but his two elder sons are rich. What happened when assets were distributed, they shared it according to the will of their inherited house property in which 1st son got his major share, 2nd and 3rd (my friend's H) got their equal share. But 2nd son did not satisfy with what he got and started scolding his parents about this partiality. And finally what my friend's in laws did is - they asked there 3rd son to share some more amount with him say around 50 thousand just to satisfy them. And he (friend's H) also shared. This is actually unfair legally, but personally what i felt when she said is the closeness and love with the 3rd son with the parents is high when compared to other two.
So even if they lose their share little much but inturn they will get their parents love and affection lifelong and even their blessings after their death also.
So it is better to discuss with the sons is important before they planned to distribute the assets unequally among them to avoid aby conflicts between brother after their death.