what to do with -a momma's boy hubby n an insecure over possessive m.i.l

kenny · Dec 23, 2009

hi indus ladies,
first of all i would like to appreciate u guys for ur wonderfull advices.infact i had written 2-3 posts earlier also but i have been still waiting for a reply..hopefully il get a response from u guys at least this time...
my story is not v uncommon ,in fact have read many cases similar to mine but then i donno how to handle mine..
to start with -its been 2 years that i am married(aranged marriage) to the only son..i am an indian and residing in india and have my mom in law (mil)staying with me)father in law expired long back when my hubby was around 20 yrs old.and he has a sister who is married and happily settled in china.so in short its just the 3 of us staying together...
i am basically really sick and tired of having no privacy,no space at all with my hubby...hubby shares each and ev thing with his mom and mom never leaves him at all any time...never ever have we even gone for a dinner alone,..she always accompanies us....till late night she keeps my hubby occupied with something or the other or some conversation that he leaves only when he is dead tired and just comes and sleeps in the room...
well....there is always a limit to anything...iv been tolerating it but now its out of my control..on top of that she keeps finding faults with me in every little thing..whatever she cooks has to be really good and needs to be complimented..and the prob is she hardly cooks...i do all the daily chores regularly coking n stuff...but when it comes to cooking on weekends,when even i feel like cooking something nice...she would never let me do it...would always cook that time on her own...showing her son that she is the one doing everything and i just go to my work...then obviously would get compliments from her son...whatever is his favouite,she never lets me cook that ever...thats also irritating...
i have my own consultancy so i work on my own go to my office in morn and evening for 3-4 hrs each...so dont have anyone else also to share anything...but i feel so bad that she always plays cold war with me...if i am at home she wont even bother to talk anything just will make a sick face all the time and sit...and when her son is at home at night she has so many things to speak that time.....and would talk in such a soft manner that even if i am sitting in the same room i wont know what she is speaking...this all is so disturbing and disgusting cant tell u...and i feel hubby has always encouraged her...
she keeps bitching about me behind my back to him all the time...and has made him so negative about me and my family that he has also started showing disrespect to them,...which i feels really v upset about...
tried speaking to him few times but main thing is that hubby is so defesive about his mother as if the mom can never go wrong...and its the wife who is always wrong...sometimes when i cant tolerate i react then he says that i dont respect her n stuff..
the question is till how long will a female tolerate this..even the most important things what is going on in his office he will tell to his mom...i am always secondary...and whatever decesion he has to take its his mom..
the question is if they both have to always behave like this there was no need of him to get married...they could have stayed happy...
mom in law being oevrpossesive never leaves him ...
and hubby though he is a nice and a caring man but his main problem is he cant hear anything against his mother...and she is such a self centered woman wo never leaves her son...
please do let me know what i should do to make my sitaution better....i was such a happy go lucky person ,every one used to njoy in my company but now i keep sulking on my own...since there is no vent to my emotions...i have also stated having high bp though im just 28...
how to make the situation better guys..plz hep..and plz d reply to my post...i need a responce..

asuitablegirl · Dec 23, 2009

If you are living with your mil, see if it's possible for you and dh to set up a seperate house away from her. Even if it's in the same building, it would be an improvement.

Ask your hubby to go out somewhere just you and him. You could also book a vaccation for just the two of you. If you haven't already tried asking him to do something alone, try now. Tell him frankly that you desperately want time together without his mom tagging along every time. I think once you and him build a stronger relationship and there is more love between you, he will be less likely to listen to bad stuff his mom is saying about you or your family.

You had an arranged marriage only two years back... didn't you know then that you'd be living in this setup? If so, why did you go along with it?

rosegirl · Dec 24, 2009

Hi
Sorry to hear about your situation.

But you know what, you will get a lot of suggestions here like 1.talk to your dh firmly 2.separate from MIL 3.Walk out etc ...

But only if u are willing to help yourself, others can help you. No use cribbing and not doing anything.

Did u talk to dh about your agony ? What did he say ?
Did u talk to MIL and tell her your frustration ? what did she say ?
Did u talk to him about living alone from you Mil, what did he say ?

If No was the answer to all, then its time to give an ultimatum and separate for a while and live alone/with parents. The longer you put up with this crap, the more they will take you for granted.

Just make him realize u are not joking and that you are very serious about this MIL being over possessive issue.

goodluck.

SriVidya75 · Dec 24, 2009

Kenny

Its clearly known why your MIL is possessive about your husband i.e her son. After your FIL expired, your MIL had made her kids as her world. Being the man and only son in the family, am sure your husband is been given that extra attention and also your MIL is used to being around him all the time. (Sorry to say this, but she had replaced her husbands absence with her sons presence). Now to break off this cycle or habit is going to be very difficult, and yes time consuming. You need to have lot of patience and persistence.

See if your MIL has any fav. neighbours/friends/relatives. So that she can spend sometime with them during weekends. Get her to the habit of going out to temples/movies/parks/shopping/visit friends/relatives/neighbours houses along iwth her friends. to start this you got to initiate the invitations like arranging some get to gethers during weekends where all the ladies can sit n talk and you can exit slowly and have time with your husband. Basically you need to find ways to occupy her and that too with someone else accompanying her.

Also if she wants to occupy kitchen, softly tell her to take rest. Dont try to feel as if she is dominating you, rather tell her that she has been cooking all these years and this is the time for her to take rest. Sometimes just try to order food from outside to prove your point. Even if your husband asks, tell him that his mom needs to take rest as she has been working all this along in kitchen and time for her to take some rest at this age and let you do the stuff ofcourse she can guide you or help you. am sure your husband would be very happy to hear this and he would also support you in this.

Dealing with your husband after the above is acheived becomes very easy, as if his mom is not around, slowly he would growup. but this does really take time.

Beleive me, talking to anyone of them about your frustration wont help as they would look at it as,you are trying to separate a mom and son, you are trying to break their family. Because they are unable to realise how their behaviour or dependency has changed over time.

sirila29 · Dec 26, 2009

hi,
mine is also similiar to ur situation except i have both inlaws. i work in a different state. my DH comes here in the week ends. so i was glad finally we found time together but his mind is so brainwashed whatever i do he finds faults with it. he keeps on making crude comments , i waste things. im very lean before and would not feel like eating anything. we started to try for pregnancy and n ow i feel like eating different things . but they poisioned him so much he feels i want to eat all the time and thinking about food all the time. he doesnt want to go out. just sits and lazes by all the time and keeps talking to his people and complaining. my inlaws talk to me very nicely and making DH negative to me. i tried to talk to him, tried to talk to mil and fil but nothing works.i tried to make friends and see if hubby might hear to them but nothing worked so far.vidya has good points. probably you might want to try that. all the best

lavii · Dec 26, 2009

i know what it really means
why dont you call your friends or go movies or outings with friends
if your dh asks why say him as he cant accompany you ,you had to with frineds
in weekends try cooking something for yourself if your mil makes some hot recpie you try a sweet or icecream
show them you can be yourself and enjoy without them
i guess your mil wantedly doing this i mean everyone understands possesiveness not to this extent
call your parents friends realtives when they both chitchat together
if they ask why epxlain them as they dont even bother to talk to you you had to talk to them
be brave gal and show it off.

HariSriPriya · Dec 26, 2009

Hi..

Sorry to hear abt ur stroy... mine is similar to this (my DH has 2 brothers but still my MIL is too possessive on DH)...My suggession

1. Try to send ur MIL to ur SIL's place for some time... Talk to MIL abt her daughter and how things were before marriage... i guess all MIL r proud of their wards and wish to talk abt it ALL THE DAY... slowly u can make her to think to visit ur SIL's place.. even if is 3 -6 months tht wud give u privacy on which u can make ur DH understand how much u r missing his company and u both can become close ... ALL THE BEST yarr...

kenny · Jan 13, 2010

thanks guys 4 ur response...wasnt expecting that my thread wud have been answered so didnt bother to check it all these days...and today was zapped....
well replying to u all
@suitable girl-mine was an aranged marriage-i knew that its going to be this set up...n since im an indian so had to adjust with that....but didnt know that mil will be so possessive ...i also have a brother and bhabi n my parents give ample space to them....
the other thing cant even think of asking my hubby for living seperately coz as i said he is teh only son and my f i l is no more so we're teh ones who have to look after her and in any way he wlll never leave her...no point im 101%sure..
@rosegirl-yes i did talk to dh-but not in a serious manner-somehow im scared donno y-in a loving manner iv said many a times that he neglects me doesnt give me time...but he didnt take it seriously but planning to talk to him seriously....
n to mil who never speaks to me -i cant even try as it is she is mumb when im there-what will i tell her???
@srividya-she already goes out n njoys with her friends for shopping,kitties etc but never on weekends coz her friends also have their families so they have get togethers in afternuns on weekdays...
and she is doesnt like to stay even for a night at her mom's place who lives close to our place ..says she cant leave he home...then what can i think of ...please try suggesting something else....
yes we did go for holidays but that can be v often its once in 6 mths.....hardly do we get leave so freq.and when we went out that time wanted to make the best out of teh holiday so didnt want to speak bout her.....but i know its high time now....
@sirila-im totally with u...can undersyand ur pain..all the best to u too dear...
@lavii-well even i wish to catch up with my frens but since i studied in some other city all my frens r scattered...n the ones who r here are also busy with their families n babies n stuff so cant come whenver i want to...we have to esp plan..n all r v v far away ...so have to go with dh to them......my parents live in some other city...wish they weree nearby and whenver they have come...they were never welcomed properly so they also avoid coming to my place...which i really feel bad about...
@hari sri priya-well my mom in law wud not go to her plc.she has recently visited...she always says that she is having some pains so cant tolerate teh cold weaher...wish she cud go 4 some time...
NOW PLZ HELP GUYS!!!have answered each of u....please suggest further...and how to also explain my dh...im quite st fwd...im not those manipulative and diplomatic..which i wish i was....please help..awaiting ur replies...:hiya

asuitablegirl · Jan 13, 2010

...n since im an indian so had to adjust with that....
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Actually, no you didn't have to. You chose to. Don't tell me there weren't any other guys in India! Not every Indian male is the only son, and not every one of them lives with his mother! Kind of hard to complain now when you KNEW things like this could happen.

...i also have a brother and bhabi n my parents give ample space to them....
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So just because your parents are nice, you thought every mil in the world will be great and it'll be fun to live together? Sorry to say, but that's pretty naive.

I think you should have thought about living arrangments before marriage. Now it's little bit too late if your hubby is adament about not moving. And unfortunately, without breathing room and your own personal space, I feel newly married couples just don't get the opportunity to start off on the right foot. I really don't have any more suggestions.... just wish you good luck with the situation you're in.

kenny · Jan 14, 2010

@a suitable girl-its not that there were no other guys....but then u never know what ur destiny is....till the time u face this kind of a scenario u cant imagine that these problems can also come up...india has v commonly a joint family set up...infact every other house is like that,...i dont undertand whats there to be naive about...iv seen not just seen my parents but lot of frens witha joint fa set up...and i never knew that one lady can do so much...well...its upto u whether u wna suggest or not.....