what to do when husband wants to be a perfect son?

OP,

Tell your DH calmly (not in front of ILs) when such things are being said by ILs that - Can you please not agree with ILs, and blame me? You should not accept these things about your wife. It is disrespectful to me. Say if ILs have a problem with me, they can talk to me openly. No need for all of you to discuss my behavior, like I am an outsider. Tell them to talk to me directly.

Say it to DH whenever these things happen. Then forget about it. Don't bring up these things from your side. First, get DH to stop blaming you and stand up for you. By getting ILs to talk to you directly, DH is not pressurized to stick up for you, or side with his parents. So, he will stop casting blame on you.

If ILs say any thing, hear them out. No arguments or explanations. Then do as you please. As you don't covet the good DIL tag any more, it should be easy. ILs will know you are not going to listen to unreasonable things from DH or them, and will stop complaining.

Limit conversation with ILs. When you talk to them, don't go into details of your life. Stay polite and to the point.

One more thing, don't distance your husband from your life. Don't be emotionally dependent on him, but keep him involved in your life, and you be involved in his.

It improves over time. Best of luck.

 

Depends on their equation, I'd say.

Was through super bad patch at a point long long ago, I couldn't care less. I had made my peace with ILs and had turned on the real culprit, the husband. Was self confident and self sufficient, extra nice to everyone, earned good DIL name (easy-peasy - had to just ring them up to say happy new year, after the year long tantrum I'd thrown, that was enough) , up on the bloody high horse and all that. Husband was rebelling, wouldnt agree with whatever I said. Then I would keep going on about being nice to parents, listening to them, investing in them, blah blah. There was no direct response then but realised that he started cutting back. Turned out to be reverse psychology... Works with my preschooler now; worked with my 30ish husband back then. Would it work for op??

Now am glad to say balance is restored, all people happy and content with each other; also genuinely affectionate...

 

you know what aprillisa..am in a long distance relationship since marriage but still my MIL see to that my H goes on a guilt trip whenever we plan something for ourselves..the same old how much I suffered bringing you up blah!

i see to that it doesn't affect me so much. If he tries becoming Shravan kumar I become a better shravan kumari..I talk cry vent what not as to how terribly I miss my parents & tell him to take me to my home immediately..There his drama stops..And of course I tell the truth man!

If I see some blame games coming my way I always make him remember that I had left my parents in the name of marriage to be with him and that is the greatest sacrifice anyone can do..If he tells its how society is I tell him that every girl feels like me in case he wants a girl's perspective. This will make my SK think logically & act..

Sometimes we girls just dont let out our emotions esp when it comes to our parents as to how much we miss them so our H's take our love and sincerity for granted.

Also I enjoy in my own world without him too..For instance: Right from shopping I go all alone and never had i felt lonely..I in fact enjoy being all by myself without depending on anybody..You have your cute lil one so have loads of fun with him..Let shravan kumar keep doing his seva until he is exhausted..One day he will open his eyes himself.

[h=2][/h]

 

Trying it right now..kneesmiley

 

Girls, girls, it happened inadvertently in my case and I am guessing it was reverse psychology at play. Since I had a decent relationship with ILs and bad one with DH then, I would sometimes take their case to their angry young son. I was actually being sincere but DH would shoot my ideas down.

Eg. DH bought his brother who lives with his parents a huge brand new car without consulting with me. I was annoyed because he was using my money too and he ought to have spoken to me about it. I told him so unequivocally; he was pissed off with me. The next week, FIL in passing said to me that he would like a small car which would be easy to drive in the traffic. A second hand fuel efficient one would've cost less than 1/8th of the new car and money wasn't an object. Plus the plan was that we would settle down there within the next year or so; hence such a car would have come in handy for me too. When I told him fil needed a small car, and one was available for x amount, he bluntly refused. Went on about how we were after wasting his money; how another car was unnecessary; who would pay for the petrol when FIL zips in and out of town just because he has a car; FIL could get a driver for the big car if there is really necessity. Been over 10 years; we didn't settle down there, FIL doesn't drive anymore due to slowing reflexes and the point is moot now. Yet it stuns me that he just refused to get FIL a car so totally.

Similarly when i suggested he send his dad/ mum money to buy some land in their name (of course which they'd give us later), boom boom boom. I had no sense to suggest it blah blah. No land.

Just that my husband was really contrary then. Now of course things have changed and we are all adult about stuff and hence a bit boring...

 

Hi All,
nice to see the posts here. need some suggestions. I m also gone across all these things. I have been married 8 yrs and have 1 kid. same old dramas from the time of marriage. I m working right from the begining and before marriage also. husbands family is full of cunning people. Because of all these fights my husband doesnt like any of my family including my parents. Always they blame my family and me. eventhough all mistakes are on their side like hiding the age,qualification and his job before marriage. husband accepts that but he says they are parents they thought abt their son's future so they married to a girl who can give financial stability. anywayz have accepted the reality but right from the beginning he never disclose anything about his family. have 2 brothers and 1 sis. They completely taken out of me and my kid from their family. lot of arguments and fights and my husband never supported me. infact he is the first one who stands against me.
1. after marriage BIL was satying with us and his brother fight with my father just bcos they visited me after 1 yr of my marriage to see their daughter without taking their parents approval. BIL created lot of problems. husband no reaction. infact have a feeling I seperated his brother from him. My parents insult nothing.
2. They never invited my family for my BIL marriage or any other functions. They dont even talk to them. infact they didnt take me to the marriage. no reaction.
3.kind of now i m away from all their people. They do behind something and talk very nice emotinal way with my husband. I know the 2 faces but cannot prove anything.
4. But since these 8 yrs I have learnt a lesson and leading my own way with my kid away from all these people. he never disclose anything on his sal and if I start on that topic a big fight. Whatever I m earning will use for me n my kid and out of that doing some savings. bought a house and after 6 yrs of marriage they visited our place and I have treated them nicely like parents. But whenever my parents visit I can see the disturbance in my husband. Sometimes his behaviour is insulting them. lot of things I suffered and mentally make up the mind he will never ever support me but infact using me. So I draw my own world with me and my kid. But sometimes pains that why he hides even single thing. he does the things without my notice. he sends money secretely. when his nephew is visiting US he processed the visa without my notice. if I bring any of these topics big fight. Is't very normal? better to ignore and proceed? but how long? is't the relation where lot of things hidden doing things behind. is't I m a fool to be usen forever.

Mainly want tips how to control myself and how to becum like them cunning. How to control for all these dramas and keep cool...