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What To Do When H Puts You Down In Front Of Kids?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by snehalJoshi, Sep 27, 2021.

  1. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    @ OP, your expectations from your spouse are not wrong.
    Intervening at an extremely angry husband losing his temper on a small child is not wrong at all. It is not called micromanaging.
    Micromanaging is when you on purpose or unknowingly get inbetween a normal father-daughter conversation or normal scene of teaching and input your unsolicited adivces to your DH at how he should teach.

    What could have been done was to handle it in a better way infront of your DD. Instead of using words like "it was a miatake to ask you to help" or "you get out" or snide remarks on his childhood upbringing, you could just tell him to stop shouting at DD as she is crying profusely. Then without paying attention on what he blabbers or screams, focus on calming your daughter and taking her inside.

    Tell your daughter daddy is angry but its ok he will be fine in some time so not to worry. Never speak ill of him infront of your dd as that is what will scar her for life. If he is overal always abusive not a good husband or father then it's never going to be a good healthy environment for your DD.
    But if this angry outburst on her was just one off moment then you can let it pass with time.
     
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  2. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye Gold IL'ite

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    Youre not at fault. But in future if you ask for help from your h, provided knowing his nature, dont try to win a situation in front of kid. Try to talk to him, apologize for your behavior, more importantly my focus would be the kid, talk to her and make sure you explain her that she is not at fault.
    You dont want her to be like h,are you double sure if she can grew up to be just like you? Kid will be fine, fix things between you both.
     
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  3. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    H is still giving silent treatment to DD. I asked H after DD went to bed about his exact reason for giving silent treatment to DD. All she did was cried when you loudly yelled at her, screamed at her and ridiculed her. What is wrong with that? He said , once I entered the room , DD looked at me(her mother) with a face indicating she is asking-for-help or coming to me with a crying face and hugging me. He said he doesn't like this political drama. He said he wants to teach her a lesson.

    I asked DD not to go back to him again and again trying to make small talks and give him sometime and things will be normal. DD was again asking me at night, why is her father still upset with her. It breaks my heart.
     
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  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Ask your daughter to go about her day without running after her father. Tell her he will talk to her when he is ready. Don’t give him the attention he seeks.
     
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  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    This shows that far from realizing his mistake he has reframed the issue as ‘him’ vs ‘you (Snehal)’ and is lost in some scenario of teaching a lesson and exacting revenge. He has made it all about himself. The last thing he’s thinking about is his young daughter.

    Don’t keep asking him to be okay with her again and again. This just reinforce his complex that he is the one wronged, that it’s in his power to ‘forgive’ her and she should ask for ‘forgiveness’. An entirely wrong dynamic has got set up here. He’s obviously getting a lot of satisfaction out of refusing to ‘forgive’ her and seeing her upset.

    Instead be completely normal. Even if it breaks your heart keep normal face and your tone light if she asks you about it. Just dismiss it ‘oh maybe he didn’t hear, maybe he was busy with office work, of course daddy loves you.’ Or change the topic. Kids pick up on mother’s emotions that’s why I’m saying please be normal. Make sure daughter becomes normal and do whatever is needed to restore her to normalcy. Then include him or at least invite him into whatever family activities you guys do together but if he doesn’t reply or acts grumpy, don’t let that stop you, just carry on cheerfully for the sake of the kids. Try to maintain a normal atmosphere in the home.

    If ever the topic comes up again instead of harping on him forgiving her go into detail about the quiz he made up, ask him why he did that, that that was not what you had asked him to do. Explicitly state what you had wanted him to do. ‘I wanted you to check her completed homework for mistakes and see if she is writing all the steps correctly. Or ‘I wanted you to help her only with the difficult questions in the assigned homework’ etc etc. Then clearly explain so he understands what he did wrong. If necessary pull up the syllabus and show him exactly what her grade level questions look like. Keep the focus on him, his mistake and the wrong assumptions he made but remain calm and factual- don’t make unnecessary remarks about his childhood etc. Emphasize that this is a new place, not your hometown and it is both your duty to understand what is required of students here and to guide daughter according to what learning is required here, now in 2021, not what was needed 20-30 years back or in his hometown. And that it is not necessary or required to teach extra topics or higher concepts. Be clear that was NOT what you had asked his help for.

    Just be firm, calm and factual.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2021
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  6. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks. I see the point.
    I have been giving him unnecessary attention and importance, he is still not normal and may take time to get back to normal. He is for sure giving me a silent treatment but it doesn't bother me a lot because he anyways hardly shares or does any activity with me, not even having a meal together. For DD, I am just trying to keep her mind occupied with something. I have a strong sense of these things repeating in near future. As Rihana mentioned, I will try to stat away from interfering unless I see an extreme need to interfere. I will try to ignore him. The last time I tried doing that the silent treatment from his side continued for almost a month till I asked to stop it. Anyway, will try my best.
    Thank you
     
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Sure. If he engages with the child of his own accord, then intervention is not necessary, if it is on some other issue. It would actually solve your current problem. But if he tries to revisit the homework issue, then listen carefully (maybe he is explaining his POV to her, it could be his honest mistake) and only intervene if child is again in distress or if he again starts shouting at her.

    One more big lesson for you in all this, (one all of us old married women have also had to learn to navigate as well so nothing unique about it) - is that when you ask H to do something or help with something, be very detailed and specific, as explicit as possible. It helps prevent future problems. I have a friend who learned the hard way, if her H helpfully offered to pick up something from grocery store, to instruct him 'Buy 4 bell peppers and 8 tomatoes.' or some variation. :) Because otherwise he purchase some other item or get like 1 each or something.
     
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  8. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    I've read your threads
    I didn't read the replies

    You inspired this prayer
    Hope you awake
    And see the beauty of
    God's blue skies

    Prayer Thread For Happy Marriage
     
  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @snehaJoshi,

    I think you are connecting too many things into one incident. Your opinion about his parents, his anger issue, your opinion about what is the right way of parenting, etc. are all combined in your reaction to him. There will be a lot of disagreements in parenting among the couples. But they need resolution in a private settings and not in front of the child. You have not only put him down but also his upbringing in front of your child. This opinion will get encrypted in the mind of your child and as she grows up she may repeat, "I don't want to be like you" to your husband which is not in the best interest. If your husband has anger issues, it is a separate matter to be dealt with. It is best you don't assume that every parenting action by him to be associated with his anger issue. He might have genuinely tried to set a standard for her to look up to. You may like to set a standard for your child. You have a duty to tell your child that her father loves her as much as you do. Irrespective of the differences your husband might have with you, he may love his daughter as much as you do. In this scenario, I feel your husband is not at fault as he immediately obliged your request to teach your daughter even though you may not approve his method of teaching. You have ridiculed him for doing so because of his reaction to your daughter. Having said all that, I don't agree with your husband giving a silent treatment to your daughter. But be patient and I am sure he would reconcile soon with your daughter. Regarding two of you, you need to resolve it with him directly.
     

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