what to do in such situation in married life?

nirmiti27 · Jul 2, 2007

<HR style="COLOR: #ffffff" SIZE=1>My Problem is sameas of others DIL too...
Here is the scenario ...
AT in Laws...they are 2 bros a sister(cousin but brought up near them)
big bIL is a clerk. and has 8 thousand /pm sal..
fil has a very little pension as he used up all his pension for his namesake daughters marriage and house..before marriage my hubby use to give full salary to them..and a keep need sake money to him...but after marriage we took a rented home 2bhk so that if any parents come they can have their space...which i was totally no-no...as they will be for short period..but no use...my fil said why u wasted money n said might be her idea....then we started looking for buying a 2bhk....which cost 16lcks in 2004...so he said..see some small apt of 1bhk as you 2 r only going to live there...which was a shock for me....:idontgetit: ..Are we going to be 2 only for whole life? .... but by luck, we got a chance to goto uk for 2 yrs ..and were backafter 2 yrs..then my IL started new expenses(all planned by mil )but beyond limit with a good reason so that hubby could not reject....and then soon he went back to join his office..and started to find a new flat soon he got a flat which was around 32 lks...my IL said it is to costly..but you can buy as you have money....but they started telling all my relative that "my dil want a big house so he took a house such huge amount..." but they never tried to see the rate which were gone up.. the flat which we like before going to uk was now for 32 lks tht also 2 bhk...but all blame came on me..they always try to make some excuse and want money so that they can give it to elder bil..he has 1 son ..all expenses are done by us wht ever it is school gift toys clothes everything.....but they never think that we too have loan whose intrested is growing bigger n bigger......why r they not happy with wht they have...also FIL declared that his house and farms will be given to elder bil..nothing for us..it is ok..i can understand that bil salary is small...but then he has readymade house n farm no loan and only child...wht else does he need...but they want us to help them in such useless expense.....i hate them from my bottom of heart for some reasons which is a long story but still wish god will do good with them....

wht to do in such situation ...how can we stop such things as hubby cannot see this all plans ...he is blind in their love....wht to do,...

umasridharan · Jul 2, 2007

Re: wht to do in such situation ...?

Dear Nirmiti
All u have to do is just explan or have a open talk with your hubby. You are going to pay the money. You are going to live there. It should be of your choice. The deciding authority is you and your husband. If need be talk with your in laws also. make them understand.
Wish you all the best
Regards
Uma

meghanshu · Jul 2, 2007

Re: wht to do in such situation ...?

hi,

Sorry to hear about such selfish inlaws. I know how irritated u are..must be feeling as your whole life revolves around them. I think as u are back from UK and planning to settle in Pune forever u should start working so that u are busy and financially independent also u should talk to your husband when he is in receiving mood that they have their life and we have our own and that we should think about our financial stability. One never know when one would need money for rainy day(like a big sickness in the family etc) so we should start saving rather then giving them everything.Do not end up fighting for this issue ever and have patience as he would feel u have something against his family and all the guys have this guilty feeling that his parents are staying alone and he and his wife is not there to take care of them so they try to subsitute that with money.

Last but not least believe in Karma ,whatever one does pays in this life cycle.

Megha

diana · Jul 4, 2007

Re: wht to do in such situation ...?

Hi,

Read your thread. I guess in your case it just seems that everything lies in the hands of ur hubby, whether he wants to meet all the expenses of his fly or just limit it.

The thing you could do to stop him from this, is to plan on starting your own family. I mean going in for having a child. When your hubby has his own fly, to fend for, his expense on the other side will decrease. All fathers want a good life for their own kids. As now there are just two of you, he feels there is no much expenses on his side besides the house loan.

When the expenses of fly and house loan will climb on him, he will surely try to see and fend his own fly first.

Allow him to give every month a small sum amount as month expense for his fly too. Being the son this is his duty towards his parents. The expense for his bro will stop on its own.

And then you too will get to say your way, as you will be a mother and every mother has a right for her own child future.

Hope I have been of help.
All the best,
Diana

nirmiti27 · Jul 6, 2007

Re: wht to do in such situation ...?

Hi,
Yes all money is managed by him,
even when i was earning ...he wanted all my salary, if i dont gave him the salary we used to have a big fight and then he will be so angry tht he will not eat n will never ever talk to me..so i started giving him my salary....i have given him
5.5 lks in a yr...so i asked him see tht as u have not done anything for me in marriage and all my relatives were asking wht u got ?n i feel bad to say tht nothing (made a reason as i wanted something for my future) evn though it is true....so he give me 1.0 lk from my money so tht i can make some ornamentsof 50k and 50k fix amt for future (any thing can happen)he said yes, but my MIL when heard this was angry and told him why she has to do this u have to buy home now...all sort of things.
she made a huge issue for ornaments as my fil asked me to make it of my ch oice (with my mom's choice) n not to take mil,my Il n parents live in same city.....she told him tht ur frd has made so many ornaments for his mom(he is a bachelor and the money is mine not her sons)also fix amt was by name of my fil n me...(not alone by my name even though it was for me n my hubby )....but when he needed money he broke it ...yes there was some circumstances but he had 1 lacs in joint acc with with fil.why not that money why my fix amt only he used.:idontgetit: ...so i have stoped working let him take all the burden...he will never say no to any thing i want...but later will say that we have spent a lot....even my MIL n FIL had tought him to tell lies n even speak bad words for me as well as my families....some times i think to leave him and getr divorced...but i cant as my parents are searching groom for my small sis...
sometimes i think so hard tht i fell like to kill myself so tht hubby n his family is happy and there will be no more probs for my parents.....my parents are supportive as from 1st day i tolled them everything....sometimes i curse my husband and MIL from my heart tht they will surely suffer.....eventhough later i will ask god to forgive me n them ....but when ever i think..i curse them more n more..even once i have cursed my unborn child...tht when my hubby will be father of a girl he will suffer the same pain as my parents are.... i thx god for not given me any child so it is easy to leave him....forever...

he listen to my complaints sometimes and says that they r joking but will never understand and when i do the same n say tht even i was joking ..he says u did on purpose....only once till now he scold his mother not to torche me ...and as my wife is hort tempered she will not take it any more...as i came to know this i felt tht he does understand me but will never ever show it tome....but wht is the use...he was not like this ....but all this filled by IL as they talk to him 30-45 mins daily .....even though i am in uk...international call..they just give miss calls...and even my hubby wants to buy 1 calling card tht gives 2 hrs only on land line.....if he has to by new cards says have to cut down talk time( i speak only for 10 mins that also once a week...my parents call me.)he has never stoped me for anything and will allow me to do wht ever i want to do for my family...tht why i cant understand him
we will not talk to me but wants to have night pleasure...also tht is when he wants....and main thing is
"i love him the most in these world and i hate him the most in these world"
hope tht god has something good stored for me....

Thanks for reading such long story....many more..will surely share to u....
nirmiti

diana said: ↑

Hi,

Read your thread. I guess in your case it just seems that everything lies in the hands of ur hubby, whether he wants to meet all the expenses of his fly or just limit it.

The thing you could do to stop him from this, is to plan on starting your own family. I mean going in for having a child. When your hubby has his own fly, to fend for, his expense on the other side will decrease. All fathers want a good life for their own kids. As now there are just two of you, he feels there is no much expenses on his side besides the house loan.

When the expenses of fly and house loan will climb on him, he will surely try to see and fend his own fly first.

Allow him to give every month a small sum amount as month expense for his fly too. Being the son this is his duty towards his parents. The expense for his bro will stop on its own.

And then you too will get to say your way, as you will be a mother and every mother has a right for her own child future.

Hope I have been of help.
All the best,
Diana
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