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what should i do???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lonelygirl668, Feb 25, 2010.

  1. lonelygirl668

    lonelygirl668 New IL'ite

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    I am married form last 13 years.. overall my married life was ok with ups and downs like my husband losing his job frequently and too much interfaring in- laws... But i have been working all thru these years and was always financially supporting my family... Now my husband is working from last 1 and half year so everything was going on fine.... till recently i came to know his affair with one girl for 4 to 5 months.. i am completely shattered and devastated and could not imagine.. i have been supporting my husband thru thick and thin witout any compaints... This affair has totally shattered me and i was not expecting my husband to do this.. He has been talking to that girl nearly one hour every day and sending her at least 15 to 20 sms everyday.(He never bothers to call me and if i call he says i am busy). he used to delete those sms once he is at home.. now when i confronted him he said sorry for all this and wants to continue his life again... i told about this affair to his parents and his sister and as usual they were supporting him only and MIL said that i am not good DIL (though i have always treated them like my parents and ignored my parents completely after marriage)....

    Now i have forgiven him and i need to continue with this marriage as i have 1 kid also. The problem is that i cannot trust him anymore.. I always feels that he is talking to someone or whenever he is on tour i feel he is with somebody... i never used to feel like this earlier.. what should i do?? i have really lost my self respect after forgiving him and continuing in this marriage... I always feel that his parents are also supporting him now he is open to do whatever he feels like? I am feeling very insecure and lonely.. please need your suggestion and help
     
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  2. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    i am so sorry to hear what happeend
    i know once we loose trust its very difficult to rebuild again and needs time and patience
    but as you want to go ahead with him in life because of kid..check if he really stopped that mess and if he is ready to start fresh again
    and then you can start working on your marriage life again
    forget about your in laws supporting him and all..they just add fire to oil and nothing more so move with your life in the way you want it to be
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2010
  3. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    OK here is the deal. The moment you have lost trust, your relationship is not the same anymore. And you are perfectly justified in not being able to trust him anymore as far as fidelity is concerned or for that matter other things but let us just stick to the former for this particular case.
    You said you have forgiven him but not able to trust him anymore which means you have lost the fundamental trust couples should have. The forgive part also includes forget part and being able to trust him again and give him the benefit of doubt and if you think you cannot do that, I am afraid to say your relationship/marriage is headed for the inevitable. You can try marriage counseling and see how that will help you both but if you truly have forgiven him, you cannot bring this up everytime you feel you are at a disadvantage or use it as a trump card to get out of your own mistakes in the future. That is going to turn your marriage into a living hell and at some point, he will give up. So think this thru very carefully and take your time and try counselling etc, but if you cannot bury it and move on, then I think you are not ready to forgive and forget and trust him again.
    Personally, I would not want to live with someone I honestly think I cannot trust anymore and that is a sham and a living hell and I would get out of it, if I cannot heal my wounds. But that is just me.
    Only you can decide what is best for your situation. Good luck.
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Lonely.... it was sad to hear about this incident ... however... my MIL is on such a bad note with me that I think she wont mind sending my DH out on date with someone she feels will dance on her tunes... well no lady does :bonkand she'll learn it only on the way back to heaven or hell.

    Your relation has fallen down from 13th floor hence more serious injuries at heart.. it's going to take really long to heal.. each time you feel down just tell yourself that it was your concious decision to let past go and that now you shall try to live normal.

    When people get scarred, some see it permanent, for some it fades & for a lot it totally wipes off... you need to give yourself time and courage to move on. Also keep a close watch on any recurrance for a year or so... if it does then this is no mistake worth forgiving.
     
  5. deva280579

    deva280579 Senior IL'ite

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    i am really sorry for what happened to a sister like you, i am surprised to see how this kind of mens are still enjoying a life in this world like making her own wife to cry. its a shame on mens community. am really sorry sister. my sugg wud be pls dont carry on with him anymore, pls take your kid with u for sometime and make him realise the value of wife and own kid. then he will automatically come to you with a good hear. today is thursday and i dont know whether u have belief in sai baba, if yes pray and i will also do for u.

    Reg's
    Deva
     
  6. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

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    very very sad to know about this. I know how a woman's heart cries with pain.

    Such mistakes can never be forgiven. He is not a kid, but a father and 13 years of marriage. Your heart can never forgive him, but you deny that and think you have forgiven for the sake of your son's future. OK, fine. If you have doubt that he is still the same, try to find out if he is really doing it. you must be sure that he is not, only then is there any reason to stay with him. If he is really continuing with that , just leave him alone and you carry on your work and care for your child.

    You need to clear your doubt and then decide.
     
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Lonely I read in another post of yours:

    I catched my husband recenctly having affair with a married lady.. when i asked him why he did so after our 13yrs of mariage.. he said because my parents were not happy with you.. ha ha ha What a tragedy.. a guy is having a easy excuse to justify his wrong doing and lose character... and u know his parents were supporting him and justifying his doing

    My God it really scares me now... I know my inlaws hate me too and i just stated above that my MIL is capable of doing this.... to influence him to these levels.
     
  8. deva280579

    deva280579 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi all.

    Am so sorry for you too, can i ask you one question, am sorry to ask this, am supporting ur side only dont think otherwise, if you have extra marital affair, will your husband or MIL will be in a pos'n to accept it, or if you say my parents doesnt like, will he be in a posn to digest the words. Again what a bad thing happ to a women, dont know when god is going to open his eyes against them.

    Reg's
    Deva
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2010
  9. lakshmilife

    lakshmilife Junior IL'ite

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    Get Practical

    Dear Friend,

    Its a bad situation that you are in a shock,fear,pain,rejection.Give some time to your self and r:spineanalyse the situation talk to your hubby.Please convey your state of mind to him and ask him all the doubts or all that you want to know about his infedility.

    The feeling of distrust and not having the same essense in relationship is bound to exist donot blame yourself for that.You can start all over again on a clean slate but for your trust to come in only time and your husbands attitude and act will decide.

    My advice would be make yourself strong both emotionally and also financially this is the right time.13 years after marriage donot let in laws attitude affect you.

    Everything would settle down build your inner strength and face the situation upfront.
     
  10. lonelygirl668

    lonelygirl668 New IL'ite

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    thanks everybody for kind replies
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2010

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